The Paris Hilton guide to internships

Rich celebrities are as much a part of American culture as -- who am I kidding? -- rich celebrities are American culture. The rich and famous are even beginning to deny ordinary people the sacred right to be on reality television, but in doing so they're teaching the rest of us important life lessons.\nReality television sounds like an oxymoron. This prompted the makers of the genre to realize two important factors: real life is boring and real people are equally boring. The result is a new wave of reality where celebrities are put into outrageous situations. However, the shows maintain that unscripted, so-dull-it-must-be-real appeal.\nThe most notable example of celebrity reality is "The Simple Life," a show where debutantes Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are put into wacky "real-life" situations such as working on a farm. Their adventures are the best example of realistic programming since Jerry Springer. The term "fish out of water" is often used to describe the program, but a more appropriate analogy would be tennis ball launchers in a Fabergé egg store. The show's third season, "The Simple Life: Interns," premiered last week on Fox. This time Paris and Nicole hit the East Coast and "work" at various internships.\nClearly this season was created as an educational tool. Many college students are in pursuit of internships to get a foot into the door of the career world. There is so much advice out there on the best ways to snag that dream internship, but who can you really trust? You can trust Fox and their "Simple" intern tutorial. There's no better way to learn about surviving in the real world than by watching the lovable misadventures of Paris and Nicole. It may seem crazy to take job advice from people who have inherited too much money to actually need a job, but you'll go far if you use the reality series as your guide and follow these six easy steps to success:\n1. Before you start looking for a job you need to assess your skills and qualifications. Are you young, attractive and ridiculously wealthy? Yes? Perfect. Now you need a memorable name, preferably a well-known city. Consider renaming yourself Detroit, Istanbul or Nairobi. I like to call myself Guatemala City. \n2. Stock up on important internship supplies. Get a small dog. You may be considering saving some money and improving your karma by picking up a dog from the pound. Are you insane? Make sure you spend thousands of dollars on a dog that was bred for its special ability to look frightened and fit inside designer handbags. While shopping for pets, remember to pick up a comparably rich best friend who acts out in predictably defiant behavior that never gets old or loses its shock value.\n3. This next step is vital in getting your name out there and securing the interest of potential employers: make a sex tape. And don't forget to release it on the Internet. You might be thinking that appearing in a sex tape crosses some of your personal moral boundaries, but do you want an internship or not?\n4. Most career gurus will advise you to organize your resumé and practice writing cover letters, but that's leading you astray. The next real step to prepare for an internship is to get your own reality television show. This may seem like a daunting task, but once you've captivated everyone with your reckless party attitude, producers will jump at the chance to film your mundane activities.\n5. If you want to be treated as a professional, you must look and act professionally. Your personal appearance is very important. Always dress provocatively. This will not only make people like you, but it will also ensure that your show will be aired on the Fox network. \n6. You got the job! Congratulations. Your first task is to screw up. Do everything wrong. Take the careful instructions you've been given and do the opposite. The most important tip to keep in mind is that nothing will impress your future employer more than crazy shenanigans. If you intern at the zoo, feed endangered penguins to the jungle cats. If you intern at a weather station, shoot down weather balloons with a paintball gun. These adorable mix-ups will be sure to win over the hearts and minds of your employers not to mention the viewers.\nScoring an internship is just that simple. Fox has done us all a great public service by revealing the true secrets of success via Paris and Nicole. I don't anticipate a fourth season of "The Simple Life," considering Paris allegedly threw things at network executives when she was first asked to return for the third season. But if a new season does come about, I suspect it will be something along the lines of "The Simple Life: Political Reform."\nIf you're a rich celebrity, there's a place for you in elected office. Paris and Nicole will finally join the ranks of the Reagans, the Venturas and the Schwarzeneggers, and not a minute too soon. We'll be on the edge of our seats as they campaign, while we ignore the little voice that keeps reminding us that the network already purchased their spot in office. We'll laugh and we'll cry as the girls try to write bills outlawing polyester.\nI'm thankful that I live in a country where whiny rich people are put on television so we can all watch them. Skeptics might question how the celebrity reality trend can pass for entertainment, but why would you want to watch something scripted when you can see Nicole Richie get liquored up and start a bar fight? I won't be satisfied until every aspect of society is influenced by rich debutantes.