Step off, Grandma

The holidays are nearly upon us, and you know what that means. It's time for your family to sit around a table, share a big meal and argue over things they know nothing about.\nNow is your opportunity to prepare for battle by brushing up on the facts. I want to give you the power to say, "You're sadly mistaken, Aunt Gertrude." Or, "You're tragically misinformed, Uncle Roy." I'm providing you with information to bust down the top three myths of the moment.\nMyth No. 1: Turkey is like morphine\nIt's Thanksgiving and your cousin Larry says, "I'm so gosh darn sleepy because of all the tryptophan in the turkey."\nFrom a scientific standpoint, what Larry just said is a bunch of malarkey, balderdash and general flapdoodle.\nUsing the word "tryptophan" makes Larry feel intelligent, but the tryptophan itself is not to blame for falling asleep on the couch with Grandma's afghan. It's true that tryptophan is an essential amino acid linked to sleepiness, but turkey does not have a substantially higher amount than other high-protein foods.\nA little bit of turkey on an empty stomach might produce a slight drowsy effect, but turkey is not the miracle sleeping pill. Don't blame the bird.\nMyth No. 2: George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice = Romeo and Juliet of the White House\nI first started pondering this myth when I was watching TV at 3 a.m. A credible news source, VH1's "Best Week Ever," speculated that President Bush and the current national security advisor are romancing.\nI decided it was my civic duty to investigate this rumor and perhaps add to the media hype. I don't have sufficient evidence to fully put the rumor to rest, but to the surprise and disappointment of many, it is probably false.\nIf our president were scandalously canoodling with Condoleezza, surely he would've nominated her to be the secretary of defense rather than the secretary of state. Had the two been having some sort of affair, I'm sure Condi would've received yummy Rummy's coveted job when he resigned.\nYes, Rice seems incapable of having opinions that oppose the president. Yes, Bush did kiss her after her secretary of state nomination. And yes, he did not kiss Alberto Gonzales, the nominee for attorney general. \nBut he did kiss Margaret Spellings, the nominee for secretary of education. \nMaybe the large number of administrative resignations can be attributed to the president's fickle distribution of PDAs.\nMyth No. 3: A sandwich with the apparition of the Virgin Mary was for sale on eBay.\nHang on. This is no myth. This really happened. It's not just Grandpa's medication making him mention holy sandwiches for sale on the Internet.\nLast week a Florida woman put a grilled cheese sandwich up for auction with a starting price of $3,000.\nFrom the picture on eBay, you can almost make out the form of a feminine face in the brown crustiness of the bread. \nThe seller claims the cheese sandwich is a miracle because it has not aged during the past 10 years. (Yes, she made it 10 years ago and has since kept it in a special case.) She claims the sandwich has blessed her life because she won $70,000 gambling at a local casino.\nIf luck be a cheese sandwich tonight, why sell it? I think Catholic canonical law forbids the sale of holy things. After being blessed for 10 years by Mary, Mother of God and patron saint to gamblers, I wonder why she's cashing in now.\nIn a time where religious values in America are saturated with ambiguity, all I can say is: Behold the power of cheese.\nAt least with the knowledge of these busted myths under your belt, you'll have something to bring up at the dinner table during those awkward silences when the only audible sound is Uncle Roy's horse-like chewing.