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Indiana Daily Student

Chris Edwards


Boys have it worse -- trust me

Society has made a big deal about the difficulty of puberty on adolescents. If I remember correctly, it was a time of intense sexual frustration and awkwardness. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me realize I haven't made much progress since then. It seems boys are treated unfairly during the pubescent years, at least in comparison to the girls.

Bilingualism the way of the future

The idea that this country was founded by white people, for white people is a statement most people would consider to be backwards and repulsive. It implies this is nation designed for the advancement of whites over people of other races. This is a statement that, if said by a politician, would probably signal the end of his or her career.

That's all, folks

So you remember how funny this column used to be? "I don't like fraternities," I'd say, and you'd laugh and laugh. "Dave Matthews, he's not so good either," I'd write, and you'd say, "Stop it, Chris! Our sides our splitting because we are laughing so hard."

How real writers work

Writing is my hobby. "Real" writers sometimes get mad when I tell them that. I write novels, and get them published if I'm lucky, but I don't consider myself the stereotypical novelist. I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't drink myself sick every night. I don't have talent. And although I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me, I don't think that it misunderstands me to the point that I'm driven to a typewriter.

Scientists function as part of society

The mapping of the human genome is complete, and I am already worried. It's not the advancement of science that concerns me, it's the nearly complete and total faith people seem to show in this mysterious group known as "they" -- the scientists.

Money wasted on medical research

Lately, I've been told everything I do is going to kill me. I can't smoke, drink, eat meat or play with loaded handguns. Even sex can kill me, or so I'm told. Everything seems to cause cancer. And as if that's not enough, if the Catholic church is right, I'm about to go blind.

Death penalty cruel

If some people have their way, I could soon turn on a television and watch electricity shoot through a man's body until his head smokes and his eyeballs bleed. He could soil himself right in front of my eyes as his body spasms and his skin turns a charred black from the electricity. Now that's entertainment.

Humor is in the eye of the beholder

Every now and then, I get an e-mail or a letter from someone asking me how to be funny. "Chris," they say, "I'm just an ordinary schlep, girls don't like me and my friends all make fun of me. How can I be funny like you? What's the secret to writing a humor column?"

Losers of the world unite

It has recently come to my attention that I'm a loser. Apparently it had already come to everybody else's attention, it just took a while for it to get to me.

Questions about creation?

Throughout the history of mankind, we have been asking one question. It's the same question I ask every time I wake up in the alleyway outside of the Irish Lion: How did I get here? There are those who believe we are products of reincarnation, those who are creationists, evolutionary believers and those that believe Chris Edwards is God and made all of you to be his slaves. OK, so there's really only one person who believes that, but I predict big things for this movement in the future.

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