That's all, folks

So you remember how funny this column used to be? "I don't like fraternities," I'd say, and you'd laugh and laugh. "Dave Matthews, he's not so good either," I'd write, and you'd say, "Stop it, Chris! Our sides our splitting because we are laughing so hard." \nBut that was back in the day.\nAs some of you might have noticed from my byline, I've been a senior for a while now. It's nearly time for me to graduate, and that means this is my last column. From now on, the only writing I'll be doing is on the restroom walls of the factory where I work. \nI know, I know, it seems like a terrible waste of talent, doesn't it? You'd think some newspaper would have offered me a job by now. Shockingly, the New York Times and Washington Post aren't clambering all over themselves for my witty takes on greek life and vegans.\nI realize there are quite a few people who read this, and quite a few take it a lot more seriously than I ever did. Maybe I did insult a lot of people, but come on. Nobody got it worse here than I did. I can't even stop getting made fun of in my own column. \nSo, as I move on to the "real" world, a place where I've already been and don't have much desire to return, I wonder what have I learned at college. Here's a short list:\n1. Smoking is kind of cool.\n2. (This one's for the guys.) If you see a really pretty girl looking at you, it's not because she likes you. She's just looking at you to see if you're looking at her.\n3. You can acquire a lot of restraining orders if you set your mind to it.\n4. The greatest line from any book, movie or anything comes from Larry McMurtry's book "The Last Picture Show." Sam the Lion says, and I quote, "Shut up, woman. Get in there and chicken fry me a steak." I've been looking for a way to include that in my column for more than a year now, and although it makes little sense here, this is my last shot.\n5. Going to class isn't necessary if you don't care what kind of grades you get. \n6. Most of the people on campus are as phony as Myles Brand's accent. That's right, I'm on to you, President Brand. You sound like you're doing a bad impersonation of Mayor Quimby on "The Simpsons."\n7. The only difference between a frat boy and a cow is that cows say "moo" and frat boys say "woo." (And that's the last frat joke.)\nWe did some different things here. I remain firm in my belief that people only read a column if it makes them laugh or it makes them angry. Mostly, I was just trying to be entertaining. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes, like today, it didn't, but that's all right. \nYou think it's easy coming up with jokes every week? I mean, I come up with some quality stuff, not your run-of-the-mill everyday comedy. I do this even at my own expense. Who else would be willing to prostitute himself so willingly for a laugh? I don't think my status as a joke whore will ever be in question.\nI never took a class on column writing or went to a seminar. I've never had the column critiqued. Everything that was ever written here went straight from my noggin to the paper. And although there have been repeated attempts to attack and imitate me, I think we can agree I'm still the Man.\nAnd that's about all I have to say.