Humor is in the eye of the beholder

Every now and then, I get an e-mail or a letter from someone asking me how to be funny. "Chris," they say, "I'm just an ordinary schlep, girls don't like me and my friends all make fun of me. How can I be funny like you? What's the secret to writing a humor column?" \n Well, it's debatable whether I'm funny. Personally, I see little humor in a dirty guy who spends most of his free time trying to quiet the voices in his head, but if you think my pain is funny, then by all means, chuckle it up. \nSecond, being humorous really isn't all that great. Girls say they like funny guys, but what they really mean is that they like good-looking guys who also happen to be funny. I used to use this joke on dates a lot. Me: "Knock, knock." Her: "Who's there?" Me: "The guy who's stalking you." Her: "Help! Police!" -- OK, so that's not a good ice breaker, but you work with what you've got.\nIt has never been my intention to write a funny column. It just turns out people are amused by the ravings of the mentally deficient. But, if you want to know how to be funny, read this column. If you want to be really funny, send $19.95 to the IDS and I'll get in contact with you soon. \nFirst, you have to pick a topic. I pick on frat boys a lot, because, well, I think they're idiots. Then you have to inject a sense of irony. This is easy because they tend to do this themselves when they write me. I get mail like this a lot: "If you don't stop stereotyping frat guys as stupid and violent then we're going to beat you up." It's true. If I had a dime for every time I've been threatened by a bunch of frat boys, I'd be able to buy some friends, too. And we all know buying friends is about as silly as, oh I don't know, calling a bunch of guys you met two weeks ago your brothers.\nAfter you've picked a topic and injected some form of irony, it's important to drag the level of dialogue down to the lowest level. Like this -- "I hate Dave Matthews. And Limp Bizkit, they're not so good, either." See how funny that is? I can't explain how some of these witticisms come to me. But the important thing to remember is that childish name-calling is always funny. This world is filled with sophisticated people who argue with their lawyer mouths and fancy debate "tricks," such as logic. But that'll never rally the masses like calling someone a "pisshead" will.\nSome advice: never pick on easy targets. Don't make fun of boy bands, for example. It's too easy. Picking on a boy band is like sleeping with your sister. If you must do it, do it in Kentucky where people will at least laugh about it. But don't do it here, because nobody else thinks it's funny. \nOnce you've picked a topic, injected irony and dragged the topic down to its lowest level, you must add an opinion. This is the hardest part, especially if you're like me and only really have strong opinions about things such as Internet porn restrictions -- those evil, disgusting restrictions. Where was I? Have an opinion and tell people about it. If you can, have an interesting opinion.\nThere's a look into the creative process of writing a bad humor column. Remember, funny is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think I'm not funny, go back to Cuba. But if you do think I'm funny, you can send $19.95 to Chris Edwards care of the IDS and I will immediately get back to you.