Questions about creation?

Throughout the history of mankind, we have been asking one question. It's the same question I ask every time I wake up in the alleyway outside of the Irish Lion: How did I get here? There are those who believe we are products of reincarnation, those who are creationists, evolutionary believers and those that believe Chris Edwards is God and made all of you to be his slaves. OK, so there's really only one person who believes that, but I predict big things for this movement in the future.\nTo tell the truth, I'm a bit sick of all the bickering and squabbling. I'm also sick of not getting laid, but that's a gripe I should save for another column. God, as he is known, probably doesn't care if we're here or not. He's probably too hungover to remember how he made us, so now we are left to sift through the clues. \nDarwinists claims that some bacteria turned into a fish and some fish turned into a lizard, and the lizards turned into big lizards, and the big lizards turned into mammals, and the mammals turned into monkeys and some of the monkeys put on blue blazers, greek letters and a lot of hair gel and stayed monkeys while the rest of us evolved into human beings.\nCreationists claim that the world was created in seven days and that two young people named Adam and Eve lived in a garden until they ate an apple and had to leave. Apparently a snake, who didn't realize it had millions of years before it could evolve into a lawyer, or a midwestern university president, talked them into it. \nReincarnationists believe, oh hell, who knows?\nI'm here to answer this eternal question with a resounding, who cares? We're here, aren't we? What possible difference does it make? I mean, there are just some questions, such as, what happened to my series of columns about white guys?, that shall forever remain unanswered. \nThe problem with these theories is that they fail to understand a basic logical truth. When one is dealing with an infinite power, all bets are off. Nothing had to happen in any one way. It really didn't have to happen at all. So what's the difference?\nI realize my answer is about as satisfying as a Subway diet, but it's the best I can do. And you know what? It's the best anybody can do, because nobody knows how we got here.\nThose who study past civilizations don't have a clue about what happened in the prehistory of humankind. These so-called archaeologists go out on their university-funded digs, find two hip bones and a pot, and try to tell everyone when this civilization existed and what they used for toothbrushes. \nI don't buy it, but I'll tell you what I do buy. People who get paid to play in the dirt aren't going to come back and say "well, we just don't have any idea," because that means they don't get any more funding. So they come up with stories too, just like the people who wrote the Bible weren't going to miss their chance at putting their immortal stamp on humanity by being silent. So, they made stuff up. \nCarbon dating is simply not reliable. There is no way to really check whether it's actual "science," so there's no way of knowing how old the Earth or anything in it is. My guess is that it's neither as old as the evolutionists claim nor as young as the creationists think.\nI have spoken, and those of you who don't like it can burn in some vague and fiery construction of the human mind, for all I care. I have a religion to start. \nDoes anybody know how to get in touch with L. Ron Hubbard? I need some advice.