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(10/29/07 11:05pm)
It’s one great week.\nNo, it is not Little 500 week. It’s not Welcome week. It is not the week of Hanukkah or the first week of summer. It’s not even a full week. Rather, it is five great days, and it happens in a little place called Morgantown.\nThis is the week of camp for all the people involved with Camp Kesem – a free, week-long camp for kids whose parents have or have had cancer. It is a week away from the difficulties at home, and it gives these kids a chance to be just that: kids.\nBefore I came to IU, I heard how great this program was. Camp had just finished its inaugural year, and the stories about these strong yet funny kids kept piling up. People told me I just had to get involved.\nBeing a naive freshman, I was more caught up in all the debauchery being thrown my way than worrying about a few kids. I didn’t want to work at a camp. I didn’t even like camp when I was little. Why would I like it now?\nDespite my hesitation, I decided to become a counselor. I figured I could sacrifice a week of my summer for a greater cause.\nThat turned out to be the best decision I’ve made at IU. \nCamp ended up being one of the greatest experiences of my life. In the fast-paced life that we live in, I was able to slow down and act like a kid. I was able to throw away my worries about reputation and self respect and participate in activities that would get you beat up if you did them at Kilroy’s. \nBut camp isn’t even about me. Camp is about the kids.\nCamp gives these kids an outlet to express their feelings. It shows these kids they are not alone, that there are other kids going through the same hardships. But more importantly, it lets these kids act like kids for a week. \nThe strength and knowledge of these kids is unbelievable. Hearing a 6-year-old talk about chemotherapy is truly amazing. When I was 6, I barely understood what cancer was, let alone ways to help fight it.\nHearing stories from parents about how much these kids talk about camp and how much camp has meant to their family still brings a smile to my face. Who would have thought doing such a little thing could make such a big difference?\nMy columns rarely have a serious theme. I usually write about nonsense to amuse everyone here on campus.\nBut today, I write to you a serious plea. Take time to be part of something bigger than yourself. Whether it is “dancing” for 36 hours straight or donating your time by being a camp counselor, every bit helps. Something simple can affect the lives of so many.\nBut don’t do it for yourself. Do it for the kids. Because – like our shirts say – little kids can’t go to Kilroy’s.
(10/25/07 3:45am)
This past Sunday, my friend, who we will call O-Steve for privacy reasons, did something unnatural – at least unnatural to a non-sports fan. \nO-Steve decided that for lunch before the Minnesota Vikings game, he was going to get Subway like he did last week. But instead of going to the Subway near our house and getting the meal he wanted, he went to a more distant Subway and ordered the exact same thing as he did last week, despite disliking the bread.\nO-Steve isn’t crazy – he’s loyal. He didn’t want to jinx his beloved Vikings.\nA recent Associated Press survey showed that 24 percent of college basketball fans admitted to trying something lucky to help their team, and 20 percent of professional basketball followers said the same thing. Fans of professional baseball and college and professional football fell in between.\nAlong with the article, ESPN did a “SportsNation” poll asking fans if they have ever felt they jinxed their favorite team or athlete. Over 75 percent of people responded “yes” to that question.\nI definitely feel that those numbers are true. Almost all of my friends – myself included – do something superstitious to help our teams win, and I have no doubt that you do the same – whether you want to admit it or not.\nMy roommate, whom we established last week would be called Frank, and I are two prime examples of this statistic.\nFrank is such a diehard Pittsburgh Steelers fan that when he watches a game, he will yell at you for saying the extra point (that is dead straight going right through the uprights) is “good” before the refs put their hands up. He doesn’t want some magical act from a higher being to stop the ball from going through.\nFrank also has his pregame pump-up music routine he does before every intramural football game and would not let me attend this year’s playoff games, because last year the only playoff game I went to was the one they lost.\nAs for me, I do a lot of stuff to help ensure my teams’ success. \nI forbid to write about how well the Colts played against the Jaguars on Monday in fear that they will go bomb the Panthers game next Sunday. \nI forbid to talk about Peyton Manning at all unless it’s letting people know that his player profile picture makes him look like “Timmah!” from South Park. \nI recently talked about how bad the Pacers are in hopes of pulling a reverse jinx that will magically make them good this season – which, if true, will prove that God loves me.\nMore importantly, this week I almost committed the greatest sin an Indiana native can make to try to instigate a jinx. I came very close to writing about how great Tom Brady has been this season in hope that he will get injured next week so I never have to hear his name again. Of course, the Patriots are cheaters so they are probably taping me as I write this and will have a correct defensive strategy to prevent this jinx from working before this column hits the newsstands. \nToo bad the Colts don’t play the Vikings, though. I know I could help us win that game. I just need to slash O-Steve’s tires to prevent him from going to Subway.
(10/18/07 4:00am)
Do you remember back in 1995 when the original Jock Jams album was released? It’s the one that started out with Michael Buffer’s “Let’s get ready to rumble!” and then moved into one of the most motivational pump-up CDs of all time.\nLook at how the times have changed.\nInstead of Tag Team and the 69 Boys, we have athletes all over the world using all kinds of different artists to get their adrenaline pumping before a big game.\nThe basketball teams displayed their pump-up music choice as they entered the floor at Hoosier Hysteria, and every professional sporting team has its own set of tunes that are played during warm-ups and introductions. I hear a lot of Kayne West, Soulja Boy and other rap songs at these events.\nBut pump-up music isn’t limited to the pros. During my years of playing hockey, I used Lil Jon’s “Throw It Up” as my ultimate pump-up music. It still gets me to this day.\nBut some people take getting hyped to an extreme level.\nTake my roommate, for instance. We will call him Frank for privacy reasons. Last week he was preparing for an intramural flag football game. I walked into the room with him sitting at his desk chair, decked out in Under Armour, wearing receiver gloves on his hands, his hood over his head, swaying back and forth to his pump-up music. His playlist consisted of Michael Jordan’s theme music – which Frank won’t stop reminding me is also the Pittsburgh Steelers’ introduction song – Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” and some instrumental music from “The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.” \nIt was great seeing him get so pumped up for a meaningless regular season game, except that it was 11 a.m. and the game was at 8 p.m. Frank’s a funny one.\nBut Frank got me thinking. Is pump-up music limited to sports, or could we institute it across everything we do? I think we all, at some point, have thought about what it would be like having theme music to walk around to (and if you have a good theme song for me to walk around to, please let me know), but what about having music rituals to prepare you for even the smallest of tasks?\nI could listen to Coheed and Cambria’s “The Writing Writer” before I write every column. Or I could listen to “Come Clean” by Hilary Duff before I head to the shower. I could even listen to “I Ran (So Far Away)” by A Flock of Seagulls as I’m running out the door trying to catch the U bus. The possibilities are endless. But unless MTV creates a show that incorporates it into a reality TV concept, I just don’t see it happening because, in all honesty, we don’t really need that much adrenaline to go shower.\nSo let’s just stick to using pump-up music to get hyped for sports. We can all use it to get that adrenaline flowing. \nFrank can use his playlist so that the second his cleats hit the gridiron, he will be ready to bring the “Pain Train.” Toot toot!
(10/15/07 11:43pm)
Al Gore, the people’s president, has won a Nobel Peace Price in honor of his “efforts to spread awareness of a man-made climate change and laying the foundations for counteracting it.”\nAlthough I am very proud of Big Al and his spreading of awareness, every time I think about global warming and what Big Al tried to teach us, I think back to last winter when I played golf on Christmas Eve and can never really get that angry. And I really don’t want to write a whole column about how something so seemingly disastrous has brought me joy.\nI am still proud of Big Al. I just don’t think he should have won for his work on global warming. I do think he deserved a Nobel Peace Prize for his “efforts to spread awareness of a (deadly creature) and laying the foundations for counteracting it.”\nI am talking about ManBearPig.\nManBearPig is a deadly creature that is half man, half bear and half pig. I am super serial. The only sighting of ManBearPig ever recorded was just outside Denver, Colo., in the Cave of the Winds, a tourist trap famous for its Smuggler’s Den photo opportunity and fake treasure worth about $14.\nBig Al single-handedly destroyed the one known ManBearPig and saved the universe from its deadly threat. \nBy using the unconventional method of trapping young children in the cave with ManBearPig and then flooding the entire cave to kill them all, Big Al was able to rid the planet of the only ManBearPig every seen to this date – and he even got the children out alive.\nBecause of Big Al’s devotion to informing us of this creature, the world is a safer place. I feel better walking on the streets and letting kids play in parks knowing that ManBearPig lies deceased in Smuggler’s Den. \nWithout his work, this country could potentially be in a state of emergency trying to figure out how to defend its people from terrorist attacks AND ManBearPigs. And I just don’t think I’m ready for that kind of stress.\nOur world is lucky to have a man as great as Big Al. His devotion to the safety of all makes him a noble man and definitely the number one (and only) ManBearPig slayer in my book.\nBig Al could take this opportunity to run for president again and spread his teachings to all, but I have a better idea for him.\nBig Al should take his Nobel Peace Prize and run. Run like the wind. Enjoy the popularity and recognition while it lasts because once all the golfers (including President Bush) realize that global warming means we can play golf on New Year’s all around the globe, people won’t care. His movie will become “A Convenient Truth.”\nWhat he needs to do is put the Nobel Peace Prize in his lockbox to keep it safe. He might need a bigger lockbox though. I hear a Nobel Peace Prize weighs about 9.5 Courics.
(10/11/07 3:34am)
Sometimes making a fashion statement is a bad idea. Sometimes the world isn’t ready for the next big thing. Sometimes the fashion statement is just in bad taste. \nIn this case, it is all three. \nLast week Texas Tech had to ban the selling of T-shirts bearing the likeness of Michael Vick hanging the Texas A&M dog mascot. \nThe red and black shirts have text that says “VICK ‘EM” on the front, in reference to the Aggies’ slogan “Gig ‘em,” and a football player wearing the No. 7 Vick jersey holding a noose with the mascot Reveille at the end on the back. It was created by a frat boy and sold before the game.\nAlthough the fraternity said that it was planning on donating half the money to an animal defense league in Lubbock, Texas, the school stopped the selling of the shirts, saying that it violated the student “code of conduct.” There were about 300 shirts sold before operations were shut down. However, I wasn’t able to get my hands on one.\nAs much as I love making a Vick joke, people have overused his dilemma to take cheap shots for a short laugh and a small financial gain. \nYeah, it was funny that there are shirts that say “Vick’s my dawg” and “Neuter Vick,” but now we are crossing the line.\nIgnoring the apparent racist aspect of the shirts, there are still many flaws with this idea.\nFirst, Vick has no ties to either school. He has no real ties to the state of Texas. Why is Vick being dogged (get it?) at schools where he isn’t even relevant? If it was Virginia Tech, where Vick starred during his college days, playing Texas A&M, then that makes sense. But two Texas teams going at it? It just doesn’t make sense to me.\nNext, Vick jokes are so last week. We’ve moved on to the Patriots being cheaters jokes, which, I might add, will not go out of style until the season’s over and even then are still relevant. Why isn’t there a shirt of Pats coach Bill Belichick holding hands with Stephen Spielberg singing “So Happy Together”?\nThat leads to my final point. If we are going to make Vick shirts, why aren’t we making shirts of more athletes’ mistakes? Why isn’t there a wife beater with Ron Artest’s name on it? Why don’t we have a shirt with a bunch of one dollar bills on it and Pacman Jones saying “Make it rain”? Why don’t we have Tank Johnson’s mug plastered under a National Rifle Association logo? Why doesn’t Chris Henry have a shirt that has on the front “Pimp my ride” and “That I can’t drive” on the back? Why isn’t there a shirt of Ricky Williams saying “I got a club card!”?\nThe amount of professional athlete-mockery shirts that can be made is immense, but they aren’t in production because they are in bad taste. They are in bad taste just like this Vick shirt was in bad taste.\nOn the other hand, since I make a quick buck making fun of athletes’ imperfections, I really have no room to talk. That’s why I write.
(10/10/07 11:24pm)
When I was a little kid, I dreamed of being on three shows: “Legends of the Hidden Temple,” “GUTS” and “American Gladiators.”\nSince Nickelodeon Games and Sports no longer exists (and since I’m no longer allowed to participate in kids’ game shows), my chance of fulfilling my dream has dwindled down to “American Gladiators.” \nWhen the show went off the air in 1991, a dream in my life went unfulfilled. A space in my heart was left empty. I was only 4 years old and I missed my opportunity.\nIn 2008, I will have a second chance to live my dream. \n“American Gladiators” is back and it’s going to be better than ever.\nHulk Hogan is reportedly going to be the host and new technology will allow the show to do even more badass stunts. Add all of that to the fact that NBC has the rights and you have a primetime show in the making.\nTurbo, Nitro, Laser, Blazer and all other types of -azers will give up the reins to new gladiators and the show will make a comeback.\nIt was announced that the competitors will be given the opportunity to train for the event prior to the show and the show itself will display a more personal view of the competitors along with the competitions.\nBeyond that, not much else has been disclosed about the show. As a longtime viewer, a major fan and a potential competitor, I feel like I need to make some suggestions: \n1. Allow the winner of the show to take a few minutes in the ring with Hogan. Make it a bonus event where competitors can win a vacation prize package if they pin him. My first choice for host was Mike O’Malley because of his genius work on “GUTS”, but Hogan can be a huge asset to the show if it uses him properly. \n2. Make a new video game. To this day, I still love playing my Super Nintendo American Gladiators game, but it’s time for an upgrade. Put it on the Nintendo Wii. That will allow us to perform the stunts right in our own home. There is no glass ceiling with the Wii. The sky’s the limit and an amazing American Gladiator game can be made. Although I have recommended some changes, I hope they are kept to a minimum. The show still needs the Wall and the Eliminator. We still want the underdogs to be clear underdogs. We still need the gladiators to be extremely scary looking. We still need the show to be what it used to be. Creating a whole new show might work, but it won’t let us all relive the show we so greatly missed.\nLast week I bitched about how TV was going in the wrong direction. I bitched about how a “docusoap” was the worst idea ever. I was slowly losing hope for TV. But the revival of a great show like “American Gladiators” is a major step in the right direction and it’s something I want to compete in.\nWell, maybe just in the Nintendo Wii version.
(10/10/07 11:23pm)
When I was a little kid, I dreamed of being on three shows: “Legends of the Hidden Temple,” “GUTS” and “American Gladiators.”\nSince Nickelodeon Games and Sports no longer exists (and since I’m no longer allowed to participate in kids’ game shows), my chance of fulfilling my dream has dwindled down to “American Gladiators.” \nWhen the show went off the air in 1991, a dream in my life went unfulfilled. A space in my heart was left empty. I was only 4 years old and I missed my opportunity.\nIn 2008, I will have a second chance to live my dream. \n“American Gladiators” is back and it’s going to be better than ever.\nHulk Hogan is reportedly going to be the host and new technology will allow the show to do even more badass stunts. Add all of that to the fact that NBC has the rights and you have a primetime show in the making.\nTurbo, Nitro, Laser, Blazer and all other types of -azers will give up the reins to new gladiators and the show will make a comeback.\nIt was announced that the competitors will be given the opportunity to train for the event prior to the show and the show itself will display a more personal view of the competitors along with the competitions.\nBeyond that, not much else has been disclosed about the show. As a longtime viewer, a major fan and a potential competitor, I feel like I need to make some suggestions: \n1. Allow the winner of the show to take a few minutes in the ring with Hogan. Make it a bonus event where competitors can win a vacation prize package if they pin him. My first choice for host was Mike O’Malley because of his genius work on “GUTS”, but Hogan can be a huge asset to the show if it uses him properly. \n2. Make a new video game. To this day, I still love playing my Super Nintendo American Gladiators game, but it’s time for an upgrade. Put it on the Nintendo Wii. That will allow us to perform the stunts right in our own home. There is no glass ceiling with the Wii. The sky’s the limit and an amazing American Gladiator game can be made. Although I have recommended some changes, I hope they are kept to a minimum. The show still needs the Wall and the Eliminator. We still want the underdogs to be clear underdogs. We still need the gladiators to be extremely scary looking. We still need the show to be what it used to be. Creating a whole new show might work, but it won’t let us all relive the show we so greatly missed.\nLast week I bitched about how TV was going in the wrong direction. I bitched about how a “docusoap” was the worst idea ever. I was slowly losing hope for TV. But the revival of a great show like “American Gladiators” is a major step in the right direction and it’s something I want to compete in.\nWell, maybe just in the Nintendo Wii version.
(10/04/07 4:17am)
I think we’ve reached a new low. \nOf course, by we, I mean the Indiana Pacers. We’ve officially hit rock bottom. \nIt is time. Larry Bird has got to go. \nHis time is up. He can’t blame his missteps on “the brawl” anymore. That train left the station about two years ago when Ron Artest went to Sacramento. It’s time for him to step up and take the blame for the problems he’s caused. \nI don’t have time to gripe about all his mistakes because I’d fill the whole paper. Let’s just look at a recent few:\nIn an offseason when everyone is making big trades and moves to gain a competitive advantage, Bird signed two players no other team wants, waived one of our biggest assets and signed a coach that the Philadelphia 76ers didn’t even want.\nHe signed Kareem Rush, a Lithuanian Basketball League All-Star who was cut by the Bobcats for having a bad work ethic, and Travis Diener, a three-point specialist who barely averaged three points a game last year. What’s more, he cut Darrell Armstrong, the one veteran leader we had and our only true backup point guard.\nI like our new coach, Jim O’Brien. I have high hopes for him and I think he can do well. But he’s walking into a disaster. \nRush has potential to be a great fit for our team, but being cut by the Bobcats for having a bad work ethic has bad news written all over it. We will find out how well he fits in as soon as he gets in his first bar fight with Jamaal Tinsley. \nDiener is a shooter who can’t defend.. He’s basically Mike Dunleavy, but worse– which, contrary to common belief, is possible.\nWhy cut Armstrong? Who is going to start at point guard when Tinsley goes down ten games into the season with a paper cut on his right pinky toe? Who is going to be the vocal leader on the team when we start 1-15? Who is going to bail Shawne Williams out of jail?\nSpeaking of Williams, did anyone else notice in The Associated Press report in Tuesday’s Indiana Daily Student that said he missed his first court appearance because he overslept? \nReally? Williams couldn’t set an alarm? He couldn’t get one of his friends, who contributed to the reason he was summoned to court, to wake him up? Was he partying all night at Jermaine O’Neal’s club, “Seven?” \nI live and die Pacer basketball, but lately I’ve only been dying. Watching Bird tear this team apart piece by piece is painful, and it’s starting to make me sick. \nEvery inch of my body wants to believe that this team can do well this year, but I can’t reason it out logically.\nEither way, next year I will still be sitting in front of my TV – wearing my Tinsely jersey with an airsoft gun sticking out of my belt, waiting for someone to yell “DUMP!” so I can fire off rounds into the air– because, as the wise Stephen Jackson once said, “Where I’m from, ‘dump’ means pull out your gun and shoot” – watching every single game and cheering for a win. We can get eliminated from playoff contention a few games before the All-Star break, and I will still watch and cheer.\nOn the bright side, we have a great chance at winning the Eric Gordon lottery in next year’s draft.\nThat is, if Bird doesn’t trade the pick away.\nShoot me now. Jackson, Tinsley: “DUMP!”
(10/01/07 11:01pm)
American entertainment has officially hit an all-time low. We have kids running a colony and people attempting to prove they are smarter than a fifth grader. Reality TV has caused the industry to take a real nosedive. \nChris Crocker, the 19-year-old who is famous for his YouTube rant telling the haters to “Leave Britney Alone!” reportedly signed a deal to star in his own reality TV show.\nSeriously? \nWe’ve stooped that low? We’ve got no better show ideas to throw out right now? We have to give some no-talent kid his OWN reality TV show?\nVariety reported that he will star in a “docusoap” centered around him, calling him “a rebel character that people will find interesting.”\nFirst off, who the hell came up with the name “docusoap,” and why the hell would I ever want to watch a combination of a documentary and a soap? I can’t even watch a documentary or a soap by itself, let alone a combination of the two.\nSecond, why the hell is some idiot kid who is only famous for looking ridiculous on the Internet getting rich? We already gave William Hung, the American Idol reject who ended up with his own CD of himself butchering famous songs, a chance to expand his 15 minutes of fame to a whopping 20 minutes of fame. Of course, like an idiot, I bought Hung’s CD. But at least Hung had an accent that made “Hotel California” sound priceless. What does Crocker have – some tears and a screeching cry?\nFinally, how many shenanigans can one kid put up? How many rants can one kid produce? Does he have the creativity to piss and moan about celebrity news for an entire TV season? \nThe first thing I was told when I became a columnist is that the first two column ideas are the easiest. After the first two, it takes true creativity and insight to keep coming up with opinions. If the celebrities don’t keep doing stupid stuff, he will have nothing and will be out of a job – which means I could be out of a job too ... except that only my mom reads my columns anyway. I could write about grass growing and I’d only get one phone call asking why.\nEither way, I really hope this show ends up being interesting, because I personally think the idea is ridiculous and is taking our society down a road already well-traveled. We have enough reality TV on the tube right now, and adding a “docusoap” is not the solution. \nBy adding shows like this to a lineup, many good shows are put even more in jeopardy. We could lose a good show like “Friday Night Lights” because American society can’t handle watching a well-scripted show and would rather watch a “docusoap” about a kid who is defending Britney Spears’ missteps. \nBecause of this nonsense, I am boycotting TV ... at least until the season premiere of South Park Wednesday.
(09/27/07 4:16am)
Isn’t this the time of year that baseball news is supposed to revolve around pennant and wild card races? Isn’t this the time of year that the big guns come out to pitch to keep playoff hopes alive? Isn’t this the time of year when it’s the last big push to prevent early vacation?\nBeing the anti-baseball liaison, I usually ignore these news stories, but I still expect to hear them. This is why I am so surprised that the biggest baseball news stories are not revolving around teams and races, but rather around an individual player, a general manager and a baseball.\nThe biggest news stories right now are Barry Bonds’ record-setting home-run ball and Milton Bradley’s anterior cruciate ligament. \nBradley, the San Diego Padre known for his bad temper, was arguing with an umpire when his manager Bud Black spun him around – in an attempt to stop the scuffle – resulting in Bradley tearing his ACL. \nBradley’s story is ridiculous. It makes the common conditioning routine, which consists of two laps around the field, look like a huge joke. This story demonstrates one main reason why I’m not a baseball fan: It makes baseball players look weak and pathetic.\nThe aftermath of this episode was just as bad. The umpire has been suspended for the rest of the season, and Bradley won’t shut his mouth about the whole incident.\nWait. The ump was suspended for the season? Did Bud Selig call David Stern for advice? This seems very similar to the altercation at last year’s NBA playoffs between Spurs forward Tim Duncan and referee Joey Crawford. Just think what would have happened if Duncan had torn his ACL because Spurs coach Gregg Popovich took him down. Can you say Suns championship?\nBut enough about Bradley’s ACL. What about Bonds’ ball?\nFor those of you who don’t know, Bond’s record-breaking 756th home-run ball was sold to fashion designer Marc Ecko for a measly $752,467. Instead of doing the admirable thing and either giving the ball to Bonds or giving it directly to the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, he decided to let the public choose. \nThe options were to send the ball to Cooperstown, to send it branded with an asterisk or to blast it into space. \nI think it’s great to let the public choose what to do with the ball, but this system is extremely flawed. The people who have the time to sit and vote multiple times a day and care enough to vote are the people who hate Bonds and want the ball branded. The people who have lives, who treasure the fact that this ball is a major part of baseball history and want it to go to the Hall of Fame unblemished, don’t have time to sit around all day and vote for the reasonable option. \nWhether or not Bonds cheated is irrelevant. The ball is a part of baseball history and should be kept in the Hall of Fame unmarked. This act of branding it is childish and a disgrace to the game and to Bonds.\nI truly feel bad that his record-setting ball is getting destroyed because the average idiot thought it would be funny. Bonds may be a jackass, but he doesn’t deserve this.\nOf course, he can always look on the bright side – at least he has two functioning ACLs.
(09/25/07 3:57am)
For one day a year, Starbucks’ sales take a huge hit. That one day is Yom Kippur, the Jewish holiday where practicing Jews fast (no food and water) from sun-down to sun-down. Having now fasted for the past seven years, I figured it’s time to give a running diary of what goes through my head during this difficult holiday. Here’s what transpired:\n6:31 p.m.: I just ate my last meal for the day with my family. I’m incredibly pissed off because the sun is not actually going down until after 7 p.m., because of Mitch Daniels’ stupid Daylight Savings rule. Damn you, Mitch Daniels. This dinner should be later.\n7:47 p.m.: I’m sitting here at services looking at all these people that know every detail of my life and I can’t even remember their first names. On a side note, does anyone else really enjoy singing at services? I don’t know a majority if the words I’m singing, but I sing my little heart out anyway.\n8:40 p.m.: The sun is finally down. I could have been eating up until this minute, but I’m not. Damn you, Mitch Daniels.\n11:45 p.m.: Time to go to bed. I’m starving already and it’s kind of pathetic. I need my fourth meal at Taco Bell and I can’t have it. I wish I could just sleep all day tomorrow.\n10:45 a.m.: Temple has been going on for over an hour at this point and I just woke up. Yeah ... I’m that guy.\n11:15 a.m.: I just parked my car in the grass and I’m doing my voice warm-ups as I walk into the temple to gear up for singing – still starving.\n12:00 p.m.: I should be watching the Hoosiers play now. OK, that’s just a joke. Let’s be honest ... no one actually goes into the games. I should be tailgating. Wait, tailgating ... food ... damn I’m hungry.\n1:07 p.m.: It’s time to reflect on all the wrongs I’ve done this past year. \n2:03 p.m.: I’m ready for my Yom Kippur TV/naptime. The Yom Kippur TV/nap is pretty much the same thing as my normal Monday through Friday nap except that I’m thirsty and starving.\n3:45 p.m.: I think this must be a test. I’m officially beyond starving and I’m watching the Notre Dame football game. Beside the fact that they finally put a TD on the board, I watched a set of commercials that went as followed – Wendy’s Baconator, Sonic’s slushies, “This is ooooour country” and a TGI Friday’s table of people eating and looking happy. Could you torture me anymore? I’m already starving, so don’t show me food, drinks and the worst commercial ever created all in a row. I think Mitch Daniels created that Mellencamp commercial. Damn you, Mitch Daniels.\n6:30 p.m.: If it wasn’t for “My Man Mitch,” the sun would be down. Damn you, Mitch Daniels\n6:31 p.m.: I’ve made an executive decision. If I close the blinds and turn off the lights, then the sun’s down. OK, so that doesn’t make sense. But you don’t fast for an entire day and then come up with good ideas. \n7:29 p.m.: The sun’s down enough. I’m eating. I should have started eating an hour ago. Damn you, Mitch Daniels.
(09/20/07 4:03am)
Dear O.J.,\nYou’re an idiot. Plain and simple. You might even be the dumbest criminal alive. You make Pacman Jones look like an angel. \nIt’s really sad, too, because you were an amazing football player. You had great years with the Bills and the 49ers and even better years in college, where you earned a Heisman Trophy. But if you were still playing today, you would have to be a Bengal because that is the only team that could handle your arrest record.\nThis week, you might have hit a new low. You have made a ruckus “stealing” back memorabilia that you claim is rightfully yours. Whether the stuff is rightfully yours is irrelevant. Whether you broke into the room is irrelevant. Whether you were packing heat is irrelevant. You are irrelevant.\nWhat is relevant is the nice video footage of you screaming and cursing at some random individual about your innocence and then claiming that you didn’t ask for the police’s help because they have been unresponsive to you since 1994.\nUm ... duh?\nDo you think they might not have been helpful because you sent them on the lamest police chase ever caught on film? Or maybe they haven’t helped because you wrote a book about how you would have (hypothetically, of course) killed the two people you were acquitted of murdering. Or maybe they haven’t helped because they worked so hard getting evidence on a clear-cut case against you that ended in acquittal because “the glove don’t fit.” \nDo you realize you got away with murder?\nYou were acquitted on the criminal charges but not on the civil ones. That means that although they weren’t completely positive you killed two people, they were pretty damn sure you did it. They were sure enough to have you owe the victims’ families basically all that you own in return for taking their loved ones’ lives. Sounds like an even trade?\nSo why, after avoiding years (if not the rest of your life) in prison, would you do something so stupid that it could land you in jail for up to 60 years? Why would you risk all of that for some collectables that have less monetary value on eBay than one of Bill Belichick’s blank video tapes?\nYou clearly don’t have the money to rehire your “Dream Team” of six lawyers (which reportedly cost more than $4 million) to save you from this mess. Two of those six – including the famous Johnnie Cochran – are deceased, and the other four are hopefully smart enough to steer clear of your troubles.\nOn the bright side, I hear the public defenders in Las Vegas are top notch.\nHowever, if you need money to hire a real lawyer, maybe you can write another book. You can title it either “Stealing for Dummies: Taking Back What is Rightfully Yours” or “If I Did It: Confessions of a Thief.”
(09/18/07 2:15am)
Everyone in Bloomington seems very uptight. I don’t know if it’s from studying for exams, being sexually frustrated by the opposite sex (or same sex, if you bat for that team) or merely being frustrated because of a 500-word column written by some random IU student. But it’s obvious that we all need to just take a few seconds to relax.\nAre you ready? Let’s do some relaxing.\nWoosah. Take deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Exhale all the bad energy. Count to 10. Woosah.\nOK. Do we all feel better yet? \nGood – I sure do.\nBut I bet you’re saying to yourself, “Hey. Why are you asking me to do breathing exercises, omniscient one?”\nGood question. Let me break it down for you.\nLast week I wrote a column about ridiculous Indiana state laws. It served no purpose other than to entertain. It talked about public indecency, Chinese ninja stars and interfering with a police horse. I wrote it thinking that my five fans would get a good chuckle from the absurd laws of the state we live in. I never thought it would upset people.\nNow, being my own biggest critic, I noticed that there was a small error in my column, which came about when my editor and I changed a joke, which ended up changing a fact, which ended up making a false statement. One minor blemish and the world reacts as if I made it rain with dangerous inaccuracies.\nPeople were calling my editors complaining about how terrible my column was and how indecent it was to our society. \nIf you think I’m ready to hit you with an apology, then you clearly don’t know me.\nInstead, here’s my response to you all: RELAX! You are missing the point.\nUnlike some of my colleagues, who write to inform and persuade you with their opinion, I write to entertain. I write so that the eternally drunk and stoned get their daily dose of reading. If you couldn’t understand that from my South Park-referencing tagline, then you shouldn’t be reading my columns.\nI’m not writing this to purposely anger you. But it might happen anyway, and if it does, please do me a favor – contact me directly. Shoot me an e-mail or if you got my digits, hit me up.\nMy editors probably have better things to do with their time than listen to you complain about how my jokes upset you... but I sure don’t.\nI love hate mail and I’ve always promptly responded to my critics. If I angered you to the point that you took the time to write to me, then at least you read the whole thing and thought out a logical dissent. I respect that, so I will respond.\nThat’s better than I can say about most of my readers, who probably stopped reading after “Woosah.”
(09/13/07 3:46am)
It’s only cheating if you get caught. But getting caught cheating can ruin a reputation.\nThe New England Patriots – the source of all that is evil – gave me one more reason to despise them this week when they were caught spying on the New York Jets’ defensive play calling using a video camera in their game Sunday, a big no-no in the NFL.\nConsider their reputation ruined.\nUnlike my undeniable hatred for the Detroit Pistons, my hatred for the Patriots in the past came with respect. I hated them because they were good, not because they were dirty. I hated them because they got Randy Moss in a trade for a stick of gum. I hated them because Bill Belichick seemed to be the mastermind who could piece together defensive strategies to hinder Peyton Manning’s attack. I hated them because they were the Colts’ biggest rival.\nNow the tables have turned, my hatred carries a lack of respect. It’s time to call into question the integrity of this so-called “dynasty.”\nHave they really been that good or are they just illegally beating the system? And how long have they been \ndoing this?\nThis happened in Green Bay last year, when the same cameraman was caught doing the same – illegal – thing.\nWait. They needed to cheat to beat the Packers? Maybe the Eagles should have taken note. \nBut the future for the Patriots is bleak. The integrity of the team will be called into question with every win, just like the integrity of the NBA officials will be called into question with every blown whistle.\nBut are the Patriots really a “rogue individual” or are they just a product of their era?\nIn a time when dental students crack passwords to get test materials prior to taking an exam and when online sites sell term papers for underachieving students, is it really hard to believe that the Patriots gave in? Technological advancements have made cheating more and more tempting, and the Patriots caved.\nThe problem is that it’s an unacceptable act, and the punishments don’t fit the crime.\nIf found guilty, the Patriots could lose multiple future draft picks. That’s it. \nThey cheat to get a win and they lose one, maybe two players. The reward is way greater than the risk, and they rolled the dice and lost. \nI hope the Patriots’ organization has answers, because the fans don’t. When I heard about the videotaping accusations, I immediately went to make fun of my friend from Chicago who is a diehard Patriots fan (and also a fan of the Red Sox, Cubs, Celtics, Michigan Wolverines and any team within 1,000 miles of his house), and he was speechless. He had no response, and the look on his face was priceless. It was like when he found out Santa Claus wasn’t real. All his hopes, dreams and beliefs that his team is the dynasty it claims to be came crashing down in one single moment.\nBeing the good friend that I am, I gave him the best advice I had on how to respond to the accusations: Blame Mike Vick.
(09/11/07 4:24am)
Born and raised in Indiana, I have never lived anywhere but here. I live and die Indiana sports, companies and events. Basically, I am Indiana. But even as a diehard Hoosier, I still wonder, why are Indiana state laws so screwed up?\nI was given an Indiana criminal code book and decided to skim around to see what I could find. I was shocked at some of the things I uncovered. Some Indiana laws are completely ridiculous. Examples:\nManufacturing, importing, selling or even possessing a Chinese throwing star results in a Class C misdemeanor with a penalty of up to eight years in jail, but engaging in sexual acts with a corpse is a Class D felony with a maximum of only three years.\nHaving more than 10 grams of an illegal substance can get you up to three years of jail time, but that number can double if the 10 grams is bought within 1,000 feet of a public park. You can be selling drugs on one side of the street and get three years, but cross the street and get six years.\nIt is possible to receive a $1,000 fine for sniffing glue. This crime carries the same monetary fine as drawing graffiti on public wall. If these two crimes are done together, the fine will cost $2,000, but the artwork will be way more abstract.\nInterfering with a police horse carries a greater penalty than pleasuring yourself naked in the middle of the street. If these are done simultaneously, an appearance on “Cops” might be in the future for the criminal.\nBe careful when deciding what weapon to buy for protection. Owning a sawed-off shotgun carries a penalty of up to three years, owning a machine gun is up to eight years and operating a machine gun is up to 20 years with a minimum of six years.\nHaving sexual intercourse with your Aunt Betty carries the same punishment as “pimping” a prostitute. Unfortunately, “pimping” out Aunt Betty as a prostitute is not covered in the criminal code book.\nWhile all of these regulations are ridiculous, the state’s child molestation law takes the cake. As long as the accused is less than 21 years of age, the accuser is more than 14 years of age and the sexual relations are consensual, they are legal. Indiana gives a large grace period as minors turn into adults. This law not only protects, but encourages, adults under the age of 21 to engage in pre-marital sexual relations with minors.\nAm I trying to make a statement by telling you these laws? Am I trying to tell you to go write the Indiana legislature to get these laws changed? The answer to these questions is no. I am simply trying to let you know what could happen if you are “pimping” out your cousin, who is carrying a Chinese ninja star, while sniffing glue with a police horse.
(09/06/07 4:00am)
If there is one person who has no problems putting his money where his mouth is, it is Mark Cuban. But can he put his feet there, too?\nI guess we will find out. And maybe we will get some laughs in the process. \nCuban, an IU alumnus and current owner of the Dallas Mavericks, is one of many gearing up to participate in the fifth season of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars." The cast includes some interesting choices like welterweight boxing champ Floyd Mayweather Jr., Las Vegas super-singer Wayne Newton, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown, Indianapolis 500 champion Helio Castroneves and "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" herself, Jane Seymour. But Cuban, the owner who is famous for being fined more than a quarter million dollars by the NBA for comments and complaints, should make the show worth watching.\nI've never really watched the show the past four seasons. I've only seen one episode and it was because ESPN was making a big deal about Clyde Drexler participating in season four. Even then I only watched him dance and then changed the channel to watch "South Park" -- a more worthy viewing.\nYou see, to me, dancing involves doing the two step, the Heisman or poppin', lockin' and droppin' it. But to see that you have to watch MTV, BET or just get me inebriated. As for the tango, the waltz and the other more traditional dances, they're not really my cup of tea … unless you get a group of lunatics involved.\nThis group has plenty of problems. There are enough issues among the cast that the show will go well beyond dancing. \nLet's examine a few of the contestants:\nImagine if Cuban gets eliminated. He will go into the post-dancing interview, blame Tim Donaghy and the rest of the judging crew and then immediately be fined $10,000 by David Stern. He will then blog about it, say he's going to buy the Chicago Cubs and publicly state that he is going to buy the show purely so he can be a judge to rig the outcome.\nWe just got the sports viewers to watch. I smell higher ratings.\nWhat about Scary Spice? Will she spice up my life? Will she flop? I saw "Spice World" and I think she's got a decent chance. Any singer has to have some musical talent, and even though she doesn't exemplify the definition of "talent," she just might be able to dance.\nWe just got the girl-power, British viewers to watch. I smell higher ratings.\nThen there is Mayweather Jr. He has some good footwork from boxing. You can't count him out yet; because he's taken a few good blows to the head, I'm not sold on the fact that he will be able to remember the dance moves. Plus, I think he's crazy.\nWe just got the insane asylums to turn on the TV. I smell higher ratings. \nHow about Wayne Newton? He can sing … kind of. Let's see if he can dance. Let's see him do a little more than sway side to side.\nWe just got the senior citizen viewers to watch. I smell … old people?\nAll these people think they can dance, but forget the dancing. I just want to see the stars interact with the judges and fans. That will be much more entertaining than watching people with no dancing skills attempt to not embarrass themselves on national television. \nBut should we all run to our TiVo's and sign up for a season pass?\nI would definitely say, "Yes." \nPlus, can't you just picture Cuban poppin', lockin' and droppin' it?
(09/06/07 3:42am)
Can you feel it? Can you feel the cool breeze smacking you in the face as you enter through the revolving doors, the warm feeling when your body hits the seats and the chills from the roaring crowd?\nIf you are lucky enough, like I am, to be able to go to today’s NFL Colts-Saints season opener at the RCA Dome, you will feel those things.\nBut this game is more than a football game. It’s an event that goes well beyond the realm of throwing a lopsided ball. It’s a civic event. \nPrior to the 8:30 p.m. kickoff, there will be free performances by Faith Hill, Kelly Clarkson and John “Cougar” Mellencamp at Monument Circle in downtown Indianapolis.\nWait. Hold the phone. \nReal stars are coming to Indianapolis? In my short 20-year life, I have gone to hundreds of professional sporting events, and I have never seen a halftime show or a national anthem performed by someone famous. \nOK, I lied. One time I got to see Vanilla Ice perform at an intermission during an Indianapolis Ice game, but it was way past his prime and it was more sad than entertaining.\nBut to have real stars performing in Naptown? It’s a dream come true.\nI can drive downtown, watch Faith Hill perform with earplugs (because I hate country, but she’s hot), sing my little heart out while Kelly performs, sit in the corner writing “101 Reasons to Live” as I keep myself from committing suicide during Mellencamp’s performance of “This is Our Country,”Drew Brees battle commercial king Peyton Manning and former Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush battle the “let me cross my fingers and pray to a higher being” Colts’ run defense. \nThe game will be well worth the hype. The NFL marketers did a good job picking a great match-up with well-known stars to kick off another wonderful season.\nFootball is America’s game. The world might have caught up in basketball, but they still can’t touch football. \nToday, the world is watching Indianapolis. The unthinkable idea has become reality, and it’s happening in a large light. The greats in music and sports will perform in one central location all for the greater good of an entire nation.\nBecause “this is ooooooooour country.”
(08/30/07 4:00am)
Season 10 of "South Park" ranks up there as one of the best total seasons Trey Parker and Matt Stone have ever created. The plots combine a perfect mix of plain-stupid jokes and mockeries of current events, which works flawlessly. And on top of all of that, they did the entire season without Chef's character after Isaac Hayes quit right before the beginning of the season.\nSo how do the two respond? They create a rebuttal episode making fun of Scientology as Chef gets brainwashed by a "faggy little group." Stone and Parker said in the director's commentary that the break between Hayes and the show was clean until a press release called the duo "bigots," which led to the angry rebuttal episode.\nBut that's not all they made fun of. This season's plot lines contain jokes about hybrid cars, Al Gore, the Dog Whisper, ManBearPigs,"Family Guy," the Nintendo Wii, and Oprah's talking sex organ.\nThis season even contains the return of Towelie, the stoner towel made famous in season five as the world of potheads publicized the greatness of a talking towel. \nSpecial features include ommentary from Parker and Stone on each episode. Although they only talk about each one for a few minutes, the dialogue between the two are as entertaining as the episodes themselves. They have some of the most random thoughts throughout their commentaries and insights as to why episodes' origins usually come from a random story. For instance, the hybrid-car jokes came purely from a banquet dinner where everyone talked about how they were helping the environment.\nSo as Al Gore would say, "Jesus on ice skates," you need to buy this season. I'm super-duper cereal.
(08/30/07 4:00am)
The thermometer burned at 98 degrees and I was shivering.\nAs cold air rushed onto my skin I felt goose bumps climb up my arms. Still, all I wanted was someone seated next to me to crack a nervous look.\nAbove the loud roar of the engine, a guy mimicked one-liners from "Borat" as others talked comfortably in pairs. No one seemed to take notice as the small airplane climbed higher into the sky, maybe in exception to my stomach, which began its gymnastics routine shortly after take off. \nAs I felt my heart rate increase I turned to the man sitting behind me. \n"Do you ever get nervous?" \n"Sure sometimes," he told me. Liar. But it still made me feel better. \nHis name was John Judy, a 37-year-old former businessman who had lived in Washington, D.C., New York City and Los Angeles, and I was harnessed to his chest. \nAt 12,000 feet above Greensburg, Ind., he tells me how he gave up his former life to join the group that surrounded us in the plane. \n"I miss Manhattan," he tells me as I study the landscape below. "But I don't miss the work."\nI hear the tail end of a "Harry Potter" discussion wafting from the back of the plane. Some can't believe the saga is finally over. Others think they'll finally take a ride on Ms. Rowling's barge-sized bandwagon now that they can read all seven books in uninterrupted sequence. \nThen came the light.\nWe were on standby. My company immediately ceased their conversation as their faces changed from leisure to business. I was suddenly very aware of their attire, jumpsuits and backpacked parachutes -- and it made me nervous. \nThe group checked their gear and gave each other the ritual handshake. Pound, slap. \nAs bodies moved toward the door, a familiar fear washed over me. Instructions were shouted in my ear just as I had heard before. \n"On your knees … crawl towards the exit … arch your back … tuck your legs back … don't forget to smile. Jump after one, two, three." \nThe plane emptied as other passengers leapt out, disappearing below us instantly. Within seconds, we were the only ones left to go. I knew what to do. I even knew what to expect, but somehow, leaning over the edge of that airplane still scared the hell out of me. \nI have now jumped two times to date (this will be three times in three days, actually). But finding a way to describe the first millisecond of the fall is impossible. \nIf peering over the ledge is enough to paralyze you with fear, letting go is enough to give you a heart attack -- if you let it. \n"Just don't hit the ground." The sarcasm of a trio of experienced solo skydivers still sticks in my mind. Don Smith, 61, John Hubbell, 71, and Joe Deville, 50, each crack playful smiles as they joke with me, a newbie, no less than five minutes before we are set to take off.\nI learned Hubbell has been diving for more than 50 years. More than 8,000 jumps. I shoved my jaw back into place after only a few seconds.\nIf I pictured a typical group of daredevils, Hubbell's gray hair and silent demeanor would probably never make the list. Then again neither would a college journalist whose biggest obstacle has become her fear.\nI can feel the wind wrapping around me like a hand as it tries to suck me from the plane. (Screw off, wind.)\nBut if I'm so terrified, why am I here? Why not stop after the first two jumps and be safe, grounded? Because somewhere buried in my fear is excitement -- an addiction to adrenaline.\nI know the danger of jumping out of an airplane. I am also very well aware of the absence of my control as I am praying to God, Moses and Anna Nicole Smith that the little parachute who could, really does. \nStill I come back for more. So does John Judy. So does John Hubbell. \nAnd as I think back to my playlist for the car ride, "Sex, Drugs and Skydiving," I realize that danger has and always will be a quintessential part of life. Who can feel more alive than the person facing death?\nIt is why we drive too fast, drink too much, do too many drugs, and still we want more.\nIt doesn't matter who the person is, or even the way he or she got all the way up here, (owner of Skydive Greensburg Bob Dougherty later admitted to me he was stoned at a Led Zeppelin concert when he first decided to take the plunge) it is the decision to jump that links them all together. \nAnd I know that as my instructor begins to lean back that I will soon be falling into the blue, tangled up with the wind and barely able to breathe. I will look out as I pass the clouds and lift my arms as my body plummets thousands of feet toward the ground. \nI know that I will feel that chute jerk my body as everything goes silent and I float peacefully to the ground. \nI know that these "jumpers" aren't reckless, just daring enough to push the limits before they catch themselves with a tug of a ripcord. Maybe skydiving isn't really living, but somehow when I let go, I still hear a "Welcome to life" from behind the wind.\nThis time, I open my eyes wide and breathe out slowly as I relax. No more anticipation for the ground, just the rush of the sky. \nOne. Two. Three.
(08/28/07 4:39am)
What happened to the good old days? Like back in 1992, when Jeffrey Dahmer pleaded guilty to murder and when Jay Leno took over for Johnny Carson. \nOK, I won’t lie. I don’t really remember those events. I was only five years old. But there is one thing I do remember from that year: the “Dream Team.”. \nThe Dream Team was the U.S. Olympic basketball team made up of players like Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, John Stockton, David Robinson, Clyde Drexler and Magic Johnson. \nThe Dream Team didn’t just win the 1992 Olympics – it dominated everyone that stepped on the floor with it. The other teams didn’t deserve to share the floor with the Dream Team, and they knew it.\nYou know you have the mental edge over a team when your opponents are asking for autographs during warm-ups.\nBut that was then, and this is now.\nNow the rest of the world has caught up. Now they can compete. Now they can win. And now, it’s time for us to do something about it.\nThe U.S. team is competing in the 2007 FIBA Americas Championship to try to qualify for the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. This is the first time the U.S. has even had to qualify. Though things look pretty certain, the team shouldn’t even be in this situation.\nIt’s time for NBA players to man up and take responsibility for their downfall in international play. International rules favor the NBA players. The three-point line is closer and the goaltending rule is more lenient. We should at least be winning, if not dominating international play. \nBut the team’s lack of heart and patriotism has led players to back out because of minor injuries and to the U.S. forced put together a team of some good players – and some mediocre players.\nThis year, the U.S. is going to go for the gold with a Kobe, LeBron and Carmelo trio. But is it enough?\nThe “Miracle on Ice” at the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, N.Y., proved that a team can beat talent. Even heart alone can beat talent. The best team doews not always win.\nThe American squad will arguably be the best team in the Olympics – if they make it that far. Some might call them the favorite. But before I can even say I have faith in them to win, they need to get off their high horse. They need to start respecting opponents and understanding that they won’t be handed a medal. \nEveryone is gunning for them. Think of the U.S. team as Adam Banks and the rest of the world as Wolf “the Dentist” Stansson. The world will do anything possible to get the win. Let’s just hope that it doesn’t take a beating for the U.S. team to realize this isn’t going to be a walk in the park. \nWe’ve lost enough, and we are losing at our own game. The fans have had enough. Let’s show the international sports community why it’s a privilege to play basketball in America.\nThis squad may not be the Dream Team, but it’s still time for them to step up and start dominating again. No game should come down to the wire, because I’m not so sure we have a Julie “the Cat” Gaffney ready to be the hero.