Dear O.J.,\nYou’re an idiot. Plain and simple. You might even be the dumbest criminal alive. You make Pacman Jones look like an angel. \nIt’s really sad, too, because you were an amazing football player. You had great years with the Bills and the 49ers and even better years in college, where you earned a Heisman Trophy. But if you were still playing today, you would have to be a Bengal because that is the only team that could handle your arrest record.\nThis week, you might have hit a new low. You have made a ruckus “stealing” back memorabilia that you claim is rightfully yours. Whether the stuff is rightfully yours is irrelevant. Whether you broke into the room is irrelevant. Whether you were packing heat is irrelevant. You are irrelevant.\nWhat is relevant is the nice video footage of you screaming and cursing at some random individual about your innocence and then claiming that you didn’t ask for the police’s help because they have been unresponsive to you since 1994.\nUm ... duh?\nDo you think they might not have been helpful because you sent them on the lamest police chase ever caught on film? Or maybe they haven’t helped because you wrote a book about how you would have (hypothetically, of course) killed the two people you were acquitted of murdering. Or maybe they haven’t helped because they worked so hard getting evidence on a clear-cut case against you that ended in acquittal because “the glove don’t fit.” \nDo you realize you got away with murder?\nYou were acquitted on the criminal charges but not on the civil ones. That means that although they weren’t completely positive you killed two people, they were pretty damn sure you did it. They were sure enough to have you owe the victims’ families basically all that you own in return for taking their loved ones’ lives. Sounds like an even trade?\nSo why, after avoiding years (if not the rest of your life) in prison, would you do something so stupid that it could land you in jail for up to 60 years? Why would you risk all of that for some collectables that have less monetary value on eBay than one of Bill Belichick’s blank video tapes?\nYou clearly don’t have the money to rehire your “Dream Team” of six lawyers (which reportedly cost more than $4 million) to save you from this mess. Two of those six – including the famous Johnnie Cochran – are deceased, and the other four are hopefully smart enough to steer clear of your troubles.\nOn the bright side, I hear the public defenders in Las Vegas are top notch.\nHowever, if you need money to hire a real lawyer, maybe you can write another book. You can title it either “Stealing for Dummies: Taking Back What is Rightfully Yours” or “If I Did It: Confessions of a Thief.”
Insincerely yours,
Mike Abrams
