ManBearPig

Al Gore, the people’s president, has won a Nobel Peace Price in honor of his “efforts to spread awareness of a man-made climate change and laying the foundations for counteracting it.”\nAlthough I am very proud of Big Al and his spreading of awareness, every time I think about global warming and what Big Al tried to teach us, I think back to last winter when I played golf on Christmas Eve and can never really get that angry. And I really don’t want to write a whole column about how something so seemingly disastrous has brought me joy.\nI am still proud of Big Al. I just don’t think he should have won for his work on global warming. I do think he deserved a Nobel Peace Prize for his “efforts to spread awareness of a (deadly creature) and laying the foundations for counteracting it.”\nI am talking about ManBearPig.\nManBearPig is a deadly creature that is half man, half bear and half pig. I am super serial. The only sighting of ManBearPig ever recorded was just outside Denver, Colo., in the Cave of the Winds, a tourist trap famous for its Smuggler’s Den photo opportunity and fake treasure worth about $14.\nBig Al single-handedly destroyed the one known ManBearPig and saved the universe from its deadly threat. \nBy using the unconventional method of trapping young children in the cave with ManBearPig and then flooding the entire cave to kill them all, Big Al was able to rid the planet of the only ManBearPig every seen to this date – and he even got the children out alive.\nBecause of Big Al’s devotion to informing us of this creature, the world is a safer place. I feel better walking on the streets and letting kids play in parks knowing that ManBearPig lies deceased in Smuggler’s Den. \nWithout his work, this country could potentially be in a state of emergency trying to figure out how to defend its people from terrorist attacks AND ManBearPigs. And I just don’t think I’m ready for that kind of stress.\nOur world is lucky to have a man as great as Big Al. His devotion to the safety of all makes him a noble man and definitely the number one (and only) ManBearPig slayer in my book.\nBig Al could take this opportunity to run for president again and spread his teachings to all, but I have a better idea for him.\nBig Al should take his Nobel Peace Prize and run. Run like the wind. Enjoy the popularity and recognition while it lasts because once all the golfers (including President Bush) realize that global warming means we can play golf on New Year’s all around the globe, people won’t care. His movie will become “A Convenient Truth.”\nWhat he needs to do is put the Nobel Peace Prize in his lockbox to keep it safe. He might need a bigger lockbox though. I hear a Nobel Peace Prize weighs about 9.5 Courics.