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(04/13/06 4:51am)
If you're in college, you live in the "fake" world. In the "fake" world, lollipops fall from the sky as we ride ponies to class and have afternoon tea parties with holograms of bunny rabbits and dead ex-presidents. \n"Oh, Woodrow, your Fourteen Points absolutely slay me. More tea, Mr. Pointy Ears?"\nA lot of crazy stuff goes down in this "fake" world, but the main purpose of being submerged in this environment is to prepare us for the "real" world. \nMaybe you came to college because you derive masochistic pleasure from spending hundreds of dollars on books you don't read or maybe you just wanted to perfect your beer pong skills. But most of us came to college because we want to get a job. \nThe only problem is (and I suggest you read the following aloud in your whiniest possible voice) it's hard to get a job. \nFor example, employment for those in my field of study -- journalism -- is expected to grow more slowly than average during the next 10 years, according to the U.S. Department of Labor.\nSome people choose career paths with a greater chance of landing a well-paying job. It is up to the rest of us to marry those people. Of course, I'll try to get a job even if the market is bleak, but if that doesn't work, I think I'd like to be a trophy wife. \nMy plan is to marry a wealthy man who can support me \nfinancially. \nI'm not trying to set women's lib back 50 years or anything. I'd still be following my dreams, perhaps receiving some paper clips in the mail as a token of gratitude from someone who published a story I wrote. I just wouldn't have to worry about money. I might as well change the term to trophy spouse. There are plenty of fellas out there with majors just as unmarketable (read: useless) as mine. Regardless of gender, we're all pretty much screwed. \nFifteen out of the top 20 jobs with employment projected to grow the fastest in the next 10 years are somehow related to the medical field, and the rest are computer-related. Some of the jobs on the list requiring a college education are nurses, teachers and managers.\nIf you're headed in that direction, congratulations. You've chosen wisely. \nEven if the rest of us find jobs, we'll probably be eating out of dumpsters. \nBut I agree with Journey when I say "Don't stop believin'." Everyone should continue to listen to their hearts and study what interests them, but the University should adjust its curriculum to prepare those of us with less marketable majors for the "real" world. \nI suggest the addition of Trophy Spouse 101. \nI'll be graduating pretty soon, and I know how to look for a job, but I don't know nearly enough about how to find a rich husband. \nThis course would prove invaluable. I have so many questions. Where do rich people like to hang out? What do rich people look for in a mate? How can I acquire these skills/qualifications? \nIf there are any rich guys reading this, drop me a line. I promise I'll love you for your personality.
(04/12/06 5:16am)
I was in Hawaii during spring break and I told someone I was from Indiana. She said, "Oh, you're from the East Coast." Maybe she was too busy eating poi and hula dancing to study geography. But if you're in the Pacific, the entire mainland United States seems like the East Coast.\nLast summer, I lived in New York City. My roommate was from New Jersey. One of the first things she said to me was, "If you were to buy a Chanel handbag, what color would you get?"\nIf I were to spend $1,000 on a bag, I'd probably pick out a color to match hell freezing over.\nShe was from the East Coast, but her cell phone ring tone was Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman." Even though I'm from the heartland, I died a little inside every time her phone rang. Regardless, we became friends.\nStereotypes have threads of truth but are never 100 percent reliable. \nSo if some rich East Coast person is paying you 50 bucks to make sure his collar stays popped, take the opportunity to make a new friend. And if some hick makes fun of your Ugg boots, don't assume she's jealous because she can't afford them. She might genuinely think your boots are ugly.
(04/06/06 4:43am)
I have a jar of peanut butter. I also have a jar of jelly. For the last week I've been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for virtually every meal. \nBoth jars are 18 ounces, and I've been using the same amount of peanut butter and jelly for each sandwich. But somehow the jelly is almost gone and the peanut butter is nearly full.\nIt doesn't make any sense. \nThat's when I realized that life is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This sandwich not only plays the role of mother, brother and secret lover but of teacher \nas well. \nYou might be thinking, "What can I possibly learn from condiments of slightly different viscosities between two pieces \nof bread?"\nSo much, my friend. \nEveryone needs balance in their lives. Peanut butter and jelly complement each other so well. Peanut butter is thick and creamy like the yin and jelly is goopy like the yang. Somewhere out there is a peanut butter to match your jelly. In the end, everything fits nicely between the bread slices of life. \nThis is when you look directly at your sandwich and say, "Don't be trite, PBJ. If I wanted bologna, I would've grabbed the Oscar Mayer from the fridge instead." \nAnd now peanut butter and jelly is ready to be real and dish out life's hard lessons. \nIt's a cold, cruel world, and you can only depend on yourself. Mommy's not here to cut the crust off for you anymore. \nI already mentioned that I'm almost out of jelly. What will become of the peanut butter when the end arrives? God only knows when I'll go to the store to buy more jelly. It might never happen. \nPeanut butter and jelly will always be together. They're soul mates, right? \nWrong. \nSandwich Lesson No. 1: No one will ever love you. \nIf I run out of jelly, the peanut butter is on its own, unless it wants to go crawling to that questionable bear-shaped honey that has been sitting in the cupboard for a while. Peanut butter will go on to live a solitary and meaningless existence, just like me and you. \nHave you ever eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that someone besides a parent made for you? It doesn't taste right, does it? The jelly-to-peanut-butter ratio is all off. \nSandwich Lesson No. 2: You will never be happy. \nIt's human nature to be insatiable . You can search and search forever for that perfect combination of jelly and peanut butter, but no matter what you find, it will never be enough. \nWhat if you lose your balance when you're making the sandwich and your bread falls peanut butter-side down on the kitchen tiles? The peanut butter clings to anything and everything in its path like the greedy son of a gun that it is. \nSandwich Lesson No. 3: Everyone is out for himself or \nherself. \nDon't deny it. Everyone you know is like peanut butter: full of peanuts, protein and greed. \nFinally, what is the fate of a sandwich? It gets eaten. Peanut butter and jelly just want you to be aware of your own mortality. \nSandwich Lesson No. 4: You are going to die. \nPBJ might be the old lunchbox standby, but think twice before you label it a comfort food.
(03/30/06 5:28am)
"I got my mouth looking something like a disco ball. I got the diamonds and the ice all handset. I might cause a cold front if I take a deep breath."\nThese are the words of hip-hop artist Pall Wall featured in Nelly's latest single "Grillz." \nGold teeth go beyond just crowns. I was aware that platinum teeth, diamond teeth and general tooth jewelry existed. However, when I heard this song about teeth on the radio, I knew the concept of "bling bling" decorating the "grill" was becoming more prominent in our culture.\nIf you don't have extra money lying around that you enjoy setting on fire, the idea of jewelry for the mouth might seem outrageous. Gratuitous bling and displays of materialism are nothing new in our culture. I, for one, hope the trend continues. It's good for the economy, and without fancy, molded teeth, the world would be a little less sparkly.\nWhile Nelly is a role model for everyone, I wanted to find out if other people actually jumped aboard the Gleamin' Grill Express. I contacted New York-based jeweler Sheik Hussain who started East Coast West Coast Designs "for all your gold teeth needs." To see his designs, visit www.triplexgoldteeth.com. \nHe crossed over from traditional jewelry to teeth because it gave him a new outlet for \ndesign. He said the jewelry business is an "open mind game." \nSo why do people want jewelry in their mouths? \n"It's a fashion thing," Hussain said. \nHis customers include rappers and "kids from all over the place." He said that there's been a definite increase in the demand for gold teeth and that many other jewelers are offering removable teeth designs. Hussain points to hip-hop to explain the popularity of gold teeth.\n"Rappers get everyone into it," Husain said. "Rappers jump high, they all jump high." \nHis most popular product is the "invisible" setting that shows only diamonds on the teeth or a "smile on the rocks" as Nelly likes to call it. \nWith mouths full of money in the form of diamonds and gold, could the decadent grill go any further? The answer is yes. \nHussain has even sold teeth with spinners. He got the idea for creating teeth with spinning parts from spinning jewelry medallions and spinning rims on cars. \n"I put one and one together," Hussain said. "It's the same concept." \nThe spinning action is manual. \n"You spin it by yourself," Hussain said. \nHe described the spinning teeth as "very, very popular" but the product is currently on hold. \nInnovation, creativity and shiny objects are the American way. Where can teeth go from here? Maybe in the next few years we'll see teeth that dispense champagne or play DVDs on tiny tooth-shaped liquid crystal displays. Personally, I'd like some teeth with a tiny wooden Dutch boy and a tiny wooden Dutch girl who do a little dance every hour on the hour. Nelly could write a song about it.
(03/23/06 5:16am)
I recently went through an airport security checkpoint and they wanted to make sure I wasn't a terrorist. I walked through a machine that blew air on me as some security dude rifled through my unmentionables. It was OK because none of my unmentionables were explosive. Unfortunately, if I did pack exploding underwear or, at the very least, bomb-making materials, my bag could've gone unsearched.\nNBC news reported that federal investigators were able to carry materials needed to make a homemade bomb through security at 21 U.S. airports. Even when investigators deliberately triggered extra screening of their bags, the materials were not found.\nCongress asked the Government Accountability Office to conduct the tests to determine how vulnerable U.S. airlines are to an attack from a suicide bomber using readily available materials.\nWith the heightened airport security measures taken after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, we were all thinking, "Thank God they took away all those nail clippers. Now freedom can sleep safely for one more night."\nI don't know how many times I've had to take off my shoes for airport security. And now they're telling me my lack of shoes wasn't effectively preventing terrorism? \nI feel I've been lied to. I feel dirty. Quite literally, in fact. I risked foot fungus and any number of airport floor diseases. And for what? For the sake of homeland security? No, for absolutely nothing. Bomb-making materials can be smuggled into the airport even when I'm not wearing shoes. How is that possible?\nThe Transportation Security Administration said screeners are receiving additional training. If there's one loophole in airport security, my guess is it probably shouldn't allow for homemade explosives. If there's an increase in airport security, I think I can predict what new measures will be taken to ensure the safety of travelers.\nEach passenger will go through the security check point twice. The first time you go through normally. Then you do it again, backwards.\nEach carry-on item will be anointed with the blood of a virgin and then blessed by a Mayan priest. Unless it's a laptop computer, in which case you must remove it from your bag, whisper the secret password, wink twice at security personnel and place it flat before it goes through the scanner. \nYou will not be able to continue through security until you recite a poem chosen completely at random from "The Norton Anthology of Modern and Contemporary Poetry, Third Edition." Once you walk through the metal detector with your boarding pass in hand, you will see a man dressed in black. Don't look directly into his eyes. An egg will rest in the palm of each of his hands. You must take one of the eggs, but choose wisely. If you pick the hardboiled egg, you may continue on to your terminal. But if you pick the raw egg, you must show him three government-issued IDs and your bag will be searched.\nFinally, the list of items banned from airline travel will be extended to include unmentionables, scented candles, babies, anything that's purple, the Fourth Amendment and materials used to make bombs.\nUntil they come out with brain scanners for terrorist mind activity, there's no better way to ensure airport safety.
(03/09/06 5:16am)
Everyone seems to be in a tizzy because "Crash" won best picture over "Brokeback Mountain" at the recent Academy Awards.\nI have one major problem with this argument -- I haven't seen either movie.\nI didn't even watch the Academy Awards. What are they? Who is this Oscar and why is he so shiny?\nI'm young. I'm hip. But I have no idea what's going on. That rock everyone accuses you of living under -- that is my home.\nI thought youth culture and pop culture were synonymous. But is it possible that there's an entire subculture of young people who are too busy with school and work to have any idea of what happened last week on "American Idol?" The simple act of not watching TV dissolves an entire state of social awareness.\nMy roommate and I are too cheap to buy cable. Slowly, I find myself losing touch. We do, however, get PBS. And I mean it when I say that "Antiques Roadshow" and "News Hour with Jim Lehrer" are delightful treats, but I'm never home to watch them.\nWhen it comes to television consumption, we've all met those scary people. They live under a bridge and survive on a diet of old newspapers and broken dreams.\nWhen you ask, "Did you catch that last episode of 'The OC?'" they reply with a sinister snarl, "I don't watch TV."\nAwkward.\nI used to think the only people who didn't watch TV were hippies and, well, hippies. But I don't wear Birkenstocks, I have no concept of flower power and I no longer watch TV. What have I become? I'm a hideous monster. Look away.\nI have the Internet for news and word-of-mouth for the really important stuff, but I still feel like I live in a bubble. And not the good kind. Soap bubbles are fun. Bubble gum is tasty. But this particular bubble is a bubble of solidarity and out-of-touch-ness. I feel like I've aged 50 years or more without TV.\nI'm so close to sitting on a porch swing with an afghan on my lap muttering, "Kids these days," that I can almost feel the shotgun in my hands and hear the pitter-patter of so many cats' paws.\nThis is a cry for help. Something must be done before I'm a 70-year-old trapped in a 20-year-old's body. There must be a way I can supplement a lack of TV with pills, intravenously or somehow. Even the elderly can watch reruns of "Columbo."\nThe aching, TV-shaped void in my soul prompted me to seek medical attention. I went to the health center and I was diagnosed with mono. Mono and a dangerously low level of "America's Next Top Model."\nRegardless of studies that suggest TV can be linked to stupidity, I need to watch at least six straight months of television just to get back on track. All sleeping, eating and spiritual healing must be set aside.\nI want to skate or dance or do whatever it is they do with the stars. I must see acts of desperation from various housewives. Think of how many antique shoehorns whose appraisals I have yet to guess.
(03/02/06 5:35am)
If stress were a liquid, students would be sponges, green and moist, sitting by the sink at full absorbency in puddles of their own anxiety. Many factors contribute to stress absorption, but trying to break into the career world is a very distinct puddle of stress.\nEveryone I know, including myself, has been stressing out about internships.\nI see absorbent sponges everywhere and all I want to do is squeeze out the stress.\nI'll concede that internship experience is important. If you don't get that dream internship, you'll never get a job, not even at McDonald's. Your home will be set on fire. And you'll be banished from society to a cold, dark place known as Lame Internship Island where you will eventually wither away and die as you fetch coffee and make copies.\nClearly there's a lot of pressure put on us sponges.\nSo if you're trying to get an internship, I want to help you. Just relax and read on, because I've asked the experts for advice and I've compiled some tips for scoring your next internship. I think these are the best ways to hitch a ride to a place I like to call Sweet Internship Town.\nBefore you start reeling in the job offers like many large, flopping, prize-winning bass, you should refurbish your resume. Even if you don't have formal job training, you probably have many skills that any employer would drool over. These skills, such as having the ability to tie other peoples' shoelaces together or having a knack for stealing cookies, should be placed prominently on the \nresume.\nAfter you've revised the content, format your resume so that it silently screams out "I'm a winner!" I suggest adding a photo of yourself giving a big thumbs up. If you have any bullet points, consider switching them to smiley faces.\nNext, there's one important word that everyone seeking a job should have tattooed on their ankle: networking. I encourage you to make a daily networking affirmation. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, smile and say, "Today I will network."\nGive your resume to everyone. E-mail it to your entire address book. Pass it out at weddings, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs and funerals (you don't even have to be invited). As you walk to class, hand out your resume to random strangers as if it were a flyer. But be sure to have a friend guard all surrounding trash cans to make sure no one throws your resume away.\nIf your resume makes it past the trash can, sit at home and wait by the phone because you should be getting an offer for an interview. Your performance in the interview is very important.\nAll the other intern applicants can talk about their strengths and weaknesses. "I'm a people person." "I'm a perfectionist," they say. There's only one way to make yourself stand out from other applicants: Act like a dinosaur. For the most competitive internships, I suggest mimicking a brontosaurus or the perpetual crowd pleaser -- the velociraptor. If you really want them to consider you for the position, I suggest making dino hand motions as well.
(03/02/06 5:13am)
"Siliva the Zulu," the first film with an all native Zulu cast made in South Africa was rediscovered only several years ago by Canadian filmmaker and film historian Peter Davis. The silent film was made by Italian filmmaker Attilio Gatti in 1927, but was lost soon after production.\nThe film will be shown at 5:30 p.m. today in Ballantine Hall 205. Prior to the screening, at 4 p.m. Davis will present a lecture "The Image of the Zulu in Cinema."\nPhotos from the making of the film are on display now at the Mathers Museum of World Cultures until July 16.\nDavis discovered the film when he was in South Africa doing research for a documentary about the impact of cinema on apartheid called "In Darkest Hollywood." He found the film in the national film archive in South Africa. There was no record of how long the film had been there or who deposited it. After Davis researched the copyright record, the archive allowed him to copy the film and he put it back into distribution.\nThe film, shot in rural South Africa, documents a history that Davis said was lost until the rediscovery of the film. \n"It's a unique record of a way of life that has disappeared," Davis said.\nDuring the period of apartheid, white authorities and those with access to filmmaking technology had little interest in African history, he said.\n"The white historians created their own mythology around Africans which primarily presented them as savage and primitive people," Davis said.\nThe original musical score to the film was also lost. Davis added traditional Zulu music to go with the film and called on the talent of South African musician Themba Tana to add to the new score.\n"I thought it was a good opportunity to put African music onto an African-themed film," Davis said.\nTana was born in South Africa and eventually went on to study music at the University of Capetown. There, he became interested in traditional African music and instruments. Along with the score of Zulu music that accompanies the film, Tana will be performing his own music live at today's screening.\nOne of the instruments he will be playing is called the bushman's bow, which he taps with a thin reed.\n"You use your mouth and you change sounds and you pluck it," Tana said.\nOther instruments he will play with the film include traditional rattles, drums and small percussion instruments.\nTana said it was a challenge to write a score to accompany the rhythm and lifestyle of the Zulus portrayed in the silent film.\n"If you're African, you're sensitive to how deep the music is and you can't really write it down," Tana said.\nTana said music subconsciously helped him get through the challenges of growing up in the apartheid era of South Africa.\n"Music is a breath of life and it just depends how you breate the oxygen," Tana said.
(02/23/06 5:04am)
Ah, the magic of a fresh winter's snow. Upon viewing the world, all quiet and soft, blanketed in white, there's nothing I'd rather do than pick up a .22-caliber rifle.\nI have a theory that winter makes people go mad. Why should anyone act rationally when it's 27 degrees? Cold weather seems to bring out the wacky side in everyone, be they students or Olympic athletes.\nI saw a student the other day -- she looked cold, so cold. The temperature was below freezing and she was crossing the street wearing a denim mini skirt.\nSure, there were furry boots involved, but the most striking feature of this fashion statement was the eerily pallid tone of the exposed skin. I pray, for the sake of your skin tissue and mine, that frostbite-chic is not the next big thing.\nThe half-frozen-to-death look isn't hot. It's obviously cold. I don't think that's the kind of attention you want. Being attracted to someone with hypothermia is perhaps only one step away from necrophilia.\nI've seen students walking to class wearing only T-shirts in below freezing temperatures and there's nothing more hardcore, but what are they trying to prove?\nI admire the spirit of protest in those who lack clothes. Although there's no better way to get right up in Jack Frost's grill than by showing off your blatant disregard for his cold temperatures, wearing a summer ensemble in the bitter cold doesn't actually heat things up.\nIf dressing inappropriately for the cold could really change the weather, I would gladly join your revolution.\nBut the amazing capabilities of the mind are nothing compared to the frosty, evil power of winter. I used to pretend that white stuff on the ground was something better than snow, like powdered sugar, anthrax or cocaine. But much to the dismay of Disney, Willy Wonka, Jim Henson, Barney, a Little Princess, Peter Pan and Mr. Rogers, imagination just isn't that powerful.\nHowever, what is powerful -- and perhaps crazier than a lack of clothing -- is the rifle blast that comes after cross country skiing in the maddest aspect of winter, the Winter Olympics. The biathlon is a demanding combination of cross country skiing and riflery, where competitors shoot targets amidst a ski course -- but why? Why combine skiing and guns?\nIn Norway, the sport was used as a military tactic for defending its borders. But guns in the Olympics?\nI find it frustrating that this "sport" is allowed while the Olympics committee always turns down my great ideas. "Snowball fighting is not a sport," it says. Come on, Olympics committee. What if there was a competition where Winter Olympians tried to see who could build the biggest snowman, and then shot at the \nsnowmen?\nI do know why guns are involved in the Olympics. Good marksmanship requires a great deal of skill in precision and self-control. That's why guns should be incorporated into as many other Winter Olympic sports as possible, such as curling and ice dancing (especially ice dancing).\nIf you see someone prancing around in a mini skirt when it's 27 degrees and/or toting a rifle-ski combo, blame the cold weather madness.
(02/16/06 5:02am)
Every American woke up this morning, yawned, stretched, ate some Froot Loops and said, "Golly gee whiz it feels good to live in the land of the free." But is freedom really so great?\nIt's really more of a hassle than anything else. Imagine sitting in your car and waiting for more than an hour while 57 small ducklings slowly cross the street. That's pretty much what freedom is.\nI can publicly criticize the government. I have access to virtually anything on the Internet. And I'm sick of it. When is the U.S. government going to step in and protect me from myself by denying my personal liberties like they do in China?\nLuckily for the Chinese, several U.S. Internet companies, while providing their services, are still adhering to Chinese law to uphold the values of censorship and smothering political opposition.\nRep. Chris Smith, R-N.J., said Microsoft Corp., Yahoo!, Cisco Systems and Google are "enabling dictatorship" by cooperating with the Chinese government, according to CNN.\nBut those who criticize U.S. Internet companies for aiding the Chinese government are forgetting one thing. The Chinese Internet market has a lot of people. How can we waste time worrying about the ideals of freedom and citizens' rights when there's big, fat, cash money to be made?\nIf someone had just mentioned moolah to George Mason while he was writing up the Bill of Rights to the U.S. Constitution, everything would be different.\nI can hear Mason now.\n"Wait a second. Did someone just say 'big, fat, cash money?'"\nAnd before you could say "liberty shmiberty," he'd be on the first covered wagon to China.\nAfter all, freedom isn't free. I got my freedom bill in the mail last week, didn't you? U.S. Internet companies are just trying to make sure citizens of China don't freeload off our freedom.\nInternet services still provide a lot of information in spite of government regulation in China. A little drop of freedom, a dash of technology; it might not be the entire freedom pie, but it's better than nothing. The revolution has to start somewhere, such as Microsoft pulling a blog that criticized the Chinese government. Or how about Yahoo! disclosing information to the Chinese government that led to a 10-year prison sentence for journalist Shi Tao? The taste of sweet, sweet freedom.\nGoogle seems to be coming out with cool new features every week. It recently launched a censored version of its search engine in China that blocks sites about human rights, Tibet and more. I want that feature here. What Web sites should I look at when I'm surfing the Internet? I don't know. That's for my government to decide.\nReporters Without Borders, an advocacy group, suggested in a statement that Internet companies use U.S.-based servers in "repressive countries" so foreign governments would have to comply with American law to get information about users. But why bother? It's only freedom at stake. Giant, globally prominent U.S. Internet companies couldn't possibly have any influence on foreign governments in the midst of a technology and communication revolution.\nYou can't have your freedom pie and eat it, too.
(02/15/06 5:28am)
IU students participated in a live debate and discussion Tuesday with members of several African and South American countries on how the United States should respond to the growing AIDS epidemic abroad, how the drastic low level of education is further worsening the crisis and other obstacles the world must face to prevent the spread of the disease. \nThe global conversation was presented via video conference as the students talked live with representatives in five different countries and other U.S. universities.\nParticipating in the video conference were representatives from World Bank centers in Brazil, Mauritania, Guinea, Cote d'Ivoire and Burkina Faso.\nOne of the underlying arguments that most participants agreed with was that the war on AIDS should be fought on two fronts -- both at the government and individual level. \n"Hopefully people watching in other countries can see that it's a joint effort," said senior Kathryn Mullen, co-director of IU Student Global AIDS campaign.\nIU graduate student Dan O'Neil, the founder of the IU chapter of Student Global AIDS campaign, asked representatives from the African countries to comment on the role of political instability in deterring the fight against AIDS.\nYao Kouassi of Cote d'Ivoire said that while \ninstability is one of her country's biggest problems, many African governments are more concerned with survival than with AIDS programs. \nAnother representative from Cote d'Ivoire said the first step in fighting the AIDS pandemic is to begin by addressing the country's political issues. He said the United Nations has an important role to play to encourage peace.\nMuch of the discussions between students and the foreign representatives focused on ways to prevent the spread of the virus by focusing on education. \nNaiara G. da Costa of Brazil said the active education and engagement of youth about the virus is a necessary focus that will lead to fewer infections. Costa also emphasized that preventative programs should be based on evidence and not ideology, citing a controversial program in Brazil that promotes condom use for young people and makes them available in schools.\nIn Guinea, a representative said the AIDS prevalence rate is increasing in the country because information about the use of condoms is not commonly available to the Guinea people. The representative also said Guinea doesn't have the means to express itself on a global level.\nWhile much of the discussion centered around how the African and South American countries should establish policies to combat the virus, some heated opinions were voiced on how U.S. actions affect the nations for the better and worse. \nCaitlin Bradley, a student at Marquette, said via the video conference that the AIDS prevention policy should be combined with the fight against poverty in these nations and that the United States should find a way to give more to impoverished countries.\n"I think (Americans) find it too easy to ignore the AIDS pandemic and then even ignore it in our own country," Bradley said.\nJean Myameogo, a teacher in Burkina Faso, criticized the U.S. war in Iraq and suggested military expenses be directed toward fighting the AIDS epidemic instead. \nThe people participating from the Burkina Faso site, similar to the other African sites, were mostly teachers because students don't have the means of transportation to get to their respective conference sites. they said.\nMyameogo disagreed with the popularly voiced sentiment from Cote d'Ivoire and Guinea that political instability is the major obstacle in the fight against AIDS. The real problem, he said, is making funds available for the crisis. He added that the United States should use its position as a superpower to find ways to help people get information about AIDS.\nWith the spread of the Internet, even in the affected countries, many participants voiced a need to utilize this new medium to stop the spread of the virus. \nKouassi made a proposal that a program be created to tap into young peoples' interest in communicating via Internet to increase AIDS education. She described the idea as "a network of young people getting the word out on how to change their lifestyles." \nMullen said most of the ideas discussed during the conference weren't new, but hearing the thoughts of people living in countries struggling with the increased spread of AIDS/HIV made an impact on her.\n"It's good to know that students care enough to speak with other students and take that step to get involved," Mullen said.\nThe event was held at the IU International Programs building as part of the Conversations About Service and Engagement series, a weekly video conference on national issues sponsored by the Center for the Study of Global Change. Also involved in organizing the event were the Student Global AIDS Campaign and Americans for Informed Democracy.
(02/09/06 7:02am)
If you've ever been crazy enough to use Internet Explorer, you've undoubtedly been asked this soul-searching question: Did you notice the Information Bar?\nYes, I did notice the Information Bar. What do you want from me?\nIt's almost as annoying as the Microsoft Word paper clip. For the record, No, paper clip, I'm not writing a letter. And if I were, I'd get advice from a brain-dead koala before I'd ask you for help.\nWhy must I be constantly reminded about things like this Information Bar? When Mozilla Firefox blocks a pop up window, it just does it. It doesn't send an equally annoying pop-up \nmessage to brag about it.\nBut where's my compassion? The Information Bar has needs. It only wants what we all want -- simply to be noticed.\nThe logical remedy would be to click the box that says "Do not show this message again." But if this Information Bar is so great we should all learn about its infinite splendor and notice it. I clicked on "Learn more about the Information Bar."\nHere's what I learned via Internet Explorer's frequently asked questions.\nInternet Explorer displays an Information Bar (just below the address bar) where you can see information about downloads, blocked pop-up windows and other activities. The Information Bar is saving you from yourself.\nWhen will I see the Information Bar?\n• If Internet Explorer default settings are on, you'll see the Information Bar whenever you close your eyes. You'll see it in your dreams. You'll see it on the faces of everyone you meet. And more importantly, the Information Bar sees you. \nHow does the Information Bar help me?\nYou get notified when Internet Explorer blocks: \n• A demon about to possess your soul.\n• Any number of rabid chipmunks\n• Intercontinental ballistic missiles\n• Paper cuts\n• A ninja that was right behind you, waiting to strike while you checked your e-mail\nHow do I use the Information Bar?\nYou fool, you do not use the Information Bar. The Information Bar uses you.\nCan I turn off the Information Bar?\nYes. You can, but we don't recommend it. Your efforts will be fruitless. The Information Bar can and will turn itself back on.\nWhat are the messages that might be displayed in the Information Bar?\n"To help protect your security, Internet Explorer stopped this polar bear from killing an innocent Eskimo family."\nTo get around this safety feature:\n1. Click the Information Bar. \n2. Click release polar bear.\nClick Related Topics for more information about how to decide if you should put innocent Eskimos in jeopardy.\n"To help protect your security, Internet Explorer blocked this site from releasing deadly spores into your household."\nTo get around this safety \nfeature:\n1. Click the Information Bar. \n2. Click download deadly spores. \n3. When you are prompted to download the file, read the information in the dialog box very carefully and prepare to die. \nClick Related Topics for more information about how to decide if you should inhale deadly spores.\nImportant: Microsoft strongly recommends that you leave these security settings at their default level or higher or the Information Bar will kill you in your sleep.\nThanks, Information Bar. I promise I'll always notice you from now on.
(02/02/06 5:44am)
Everything fun is bad for you. Smoking, drinking, eating sticks of butter -- it's all a health risk.\nPeople are always doing research and whining about it.\nEnvironmentalists are the worst about nagging. \n"Don't start forest fires," they say. "Don't steal endangered sea turtle eggs."\nCan't I have any fun?\nSince they discovered laughter causes cancer and puppies give everyone typhoid fever, the only things left on the list of safe activities are eating graham crackers and watching reruns of "The Golden Girls."\nActually, scratch that. Everybody knows watching "The Golden Girls" carries with it a high risk of botulism. We can only really eat graham crackers, but those things are loaded with preservatives, not to mention the choking hazard. Better not risk it.\nIn today's world, the list of things we can do without hurting ourselves or others is very short. And it just got shorter, thanks to some ecologists in Michigan.\nThe Ecology Center, a Michigan environmental group, says that part of the "new car smell" is toxic.\n"Our research shows that autos are chemical reactors, releasing toxins before we even turn on the ignition," Jeff Gearhart, the Ecology Center's Clean Car Campaign director, was quoted as saying on www.cnn.com.\nWhy does toxic have to be a bad thing? "Toxic" by Britney Spears is a really good song. When will they learn? If it wasn't bad for you, it wouldn't smell good. Take glue for example.\nIf you're like me, you're constantly asking yourself: Why do ecologists want to ruin my life?\nI don't have a lot going for me. "New car smell" was my last hope for joy.\nIf I'm ever rich enough to buy a new car (yeah right, I know), I want it to have that smell. I want to fill the new-car-smell-shaped void within my soul. But ecologists want that void to rage on forever as a dark chasm of new-car-smell-less despair.\nThe Ecology Center's report, "Toxic at any speed," said that PBDEs (fire retardants) and phthalates (used to soften PVC plastics) are found in dangerous levels in dust and windshield film samples.\nFirst of all, what's a PBDE? Peanut butter something, something ... And I can't even pronounce phthalates. All I know is they smell good.\nThe report said the chemicals "have been linked to birth defects, impaired learning, liver toxicity, premature births and early puberty in laboratory animals, among other serious health problems." \nSo guinea pigs are going through that awkward phase a little early. Why do the rest of us have to suffer?\nThe Michigan ecologists are calling for auto manufacturers to phase out the use of these delectable chemicals. Maybe they can recreate the smell using soy.\nI might not be able to pronounce the names of flame retardants, but I do know that having your car catch fire is probably a bad thing. It's a horrible catch-22. Breathe toxic chemicals or die in a fiery death, which would you prefer? Yeah, I pick fiery death, too. I just love the smell so much.\nApparently auto manufacturers have already agreed to phase out two of the three flame-retardant chemicals from the report. According to the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, the third chemical has been studied by the European Union for 10 years and proven safe.\nBut just in case it isn't, grab a box of graham crackers and follow me to the bomb shelter.
(02/02/06 5:02am)
Giggles, clicks, chortles, chuckles, hoots, cackles, sniggers and guffaws. Laughter in all its forms will be available this Friday and Saturday at the first ever IU College Comedy Festival. The spectrum of comedians performing ranges from IU students to professionals.\nThe Union Board-sponsored event is free and takes place 7 p.m. Friday and Saturday at the Indiana Memorial Union.\nAll three of IU's student comedy groups (Full Frontal Comedy, Awkward Silence and All Sorts of Trouble for the Boy in the Bubble) will be performing along with visiting student comedy groups from other universities.\nOn Friday, Comedy Caravan will showcase two nationally-touring comedians, Spike Davis and Ray DeVito.\nThe headlining comedy act, Beatbox, will be performing Saturday night. Beatbox is a group from Chicago who refer to themselves as "the fusion of hip hop and improv comedy." The group acts out scenes that incorporate a human beatbox.\nGraduate student Alex Dodge, a FFC member who helped organize the festival, has seen Beatbox perform.\n"The human beatbox controls the scene like a DJ in hip hop might control the beat," Dodge said.\nIf two characters in an improv scene get into an argument, the human beatbox will initiate a live rap battle between the two, and they must stay in character while they rap.\n"You could have a scene with World War I soldiers in the trenches and a German Brigadier General with a thick accent will lay down rhymes," Dodge said.\nThe visiting student groups are coming from both in- and out-of-state school, such as Ball State University, Kalamazoo College and The University of Chicago.\nScott Carrico, the Union Board comedy director, said the visiting student groups are performing for free.\n"They want to perform and they want to travel," he said.\nAt the end of the performances on both nights "The Aristocrats" will be playing in Whittenburger Auditorium. The documentary takes the viewer inside the world of comedy with different comedians' views and versions of one joke, the joke that comics supposedly tell each other while trying to be as offensive as possible.\nCarrico said the main goal of the festival is to showcase student comedy and give IU's groups an opportunity to perform at the same event.\nAt the end of the night on Saturday, all of the student groups will perform together in "The Jam."\n"One of our MCs will lead a few games and the entire festival group will improv," Carrico said.\nCarrico said the Union Board wants to make the festival an annual event.
(01/26/06 5:25am)
One night I was driving down the road, the road of life. I looked in my rear view mirror and was surprised to see lights flashing. In the words of R. Kelly: woo woo woo, damn. Here comes a policeman.\nOfficer McTicket walked up to my window, shined his flashlight right in my face and asked, "Do you know why I stopped you?"\nI didn't know.\nApparently I was speeding -- a whopping 14 miles per hour above the speed limit. I wasn't adorable enough to get away with just a warning. Oh no, a full-on citation was coming straight my way to the tune of about a billion dollars. And columnists sure don't make any money. They literally pay us in peanuts. Somewhere an elephant is starving just so I can get my next pay check, but it's worth it. \nI broke the law. I got my pricey slap on the wrist. But whatever happened to equal protection under the law? The 14th Amendment? Shouldn't laws apply equally to everyone? Why didn't Joe Blow, who was also speeding, have to give his Christmas money from Grandma and Grandpa to "the man?" \nIf everyone is subject to random enforcement of the law, does that make us equal? The government says yes. I say no.\nI considered going to court to argue my case. I would stand up and defend myself like a true patriot, an American hero, if you will.\nSomeone would start to softly hum the tune of "Glory, Glory Hallelujah," and the American flag would blow softly in a breeze behind me. (Court rooms are drafty.)\nAnd then I would say, "This speeding ticket goes against every value this nation was founded on. The Declaration of Independence says, 'We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal,' and yet today the concept of equality is an enigma beyond all of our grasps. I just hope that maybe my children's children will live in a world where people regardless of race, religion, creed or speed can be treated the same."\nAnd I might throw in something about terrorism, because that always seems to work well. You know, something like, "The day I got this speeding ticket the terrorists won."\nA single tear would drop from the judge's eye and all would be forgiven. He would turn to the police officer with a scowl and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself, Officer McTicket." And he would take away his flashlight.\nBut I have class on my court date and in the true spirit of being an American, I'm too lazy to bother.\nI pondered a thought that haunts every political science student: What if the Founding Fathers came back from the grave? It might make a pretty lame horror movie, but would the zombies endorse random enforcement of the law? Probably, since there obviously aren't enough resources to stop every speeder and I would move to Canada if there were. But I bet if the undead revolutionaries were driving automobiles, they wouldn't obey the speed limits either.\nIf Officer McTicket tried to ticket the zombies, they'd probably eat his flesh. \nThen what, Uncle Sam, then what?
(01/24/06 4:37pm)
Recently I woke up in the morning and felt something strange under my pillow. It was small, furry and not aesthetically pleasing at all. It was a troll doll. But why was it under my pillow? Was I visited by the kitschy nostalgia fairy? What was taken in exchange for this mysterious gift? Let's hope it wasn't a kidney.\nOnce my internal organs seemed to be accounted for, I realized the troll doll was placed under my pillow by my roommate as a childish joke. So I responded as anyone would: I searched for a wacky place to hide the doll in her room, hoping she would be just as dumbfounded by its presence as I was.\nIf you happen to be unfamiliar with troll dolls, I pity you. They're small, mildly unattractive dolls with wild, vertical hair that were sporadically popular in the later half of the twentieth century.\nThe troll's appearance reminded me we could all benefit from acting a little childish.\nWhen do we reach the age where it's no longer socially acceptable to throw water balloons and wear ripped jeans? I hope never.\nNot every aspect of being childish is negative. I think the main difference between children and adults is that children are happy. Immaturity has a negative connotation, but hanging onto little pieces of happiness is important.\nRemembering to pay the electric bill doesn't have to mean sacrificing a troll doll under a pillow ... or in the freezer.\nIt's easier to combat stress and overcome despondency if troll dolls show up unexpectedly.\nI think it was Prince who said, "Act your age, not your shoe size." For once in your life, don't listen to Prince. He may have been right about all those other things like purple rain and raspberry berets, but he was wrong about the age thing.\nFor all those who are wondering, I wear a size eight shoe. When I was 8 I liked dinosaurs and peanut butter or any combination of the two. Now that I'm 20, I like money and sleeping or any combination of the two. Age seems to sell you responsibility in exchange for innocence. With each passing year, we have less and less time to think about dinosaurs. Just don't let them become extinct or you're asking for an early mid life crisis.\nI realize suggesting that college students maintain a level of immaturity might seem as necessary as suggesting a mama grizzly bear more intensely maul people who mess with her cubs. I've seen frosty, oversized replicas of male genitalia on campus after winter's first snow. However, when visions of business suits start dancing around in your head, save a little room for the dinosaurs.\nAm I asking you to stop and listen to your "inner child?" No, that's crazy. Unless you're pregnant, just forget that idea.\nAm I saying we should savor our youth before it floats away like some sort of Glenda-the-good-witch-toting bubble? No, that would be a terribly trite message, not to mention fogey-ish. All I want to say is don't underestimate the benefits of strategically hiding trolls.
(01/18/06 5:22am)
Confirm\nWith Sandra Day O'Connor out of the way, the confirmation of Samuel Alito will allow the Supreme Court justices to finally fulfill their dream of forming a KC and the Sunshine Band cover band.\nThe controversy remains highly unpublicized, but Alito's main goal is to make the funktastic dream that lives in the hearts of all the justices a reality (excluding O'Connor, who does not share the dream). \nOnce you've reached a seat on the highest court in the land, where else can your legal achievements possibly go? Enter the Sunshine Band. Even Clarence Thomas and Ruth Bader Ginsburg have begrudgingly agreed to perform backup vocals.\nIt is a little known fact, and legal scholars can back me up on this, that "Shake Your Booty" is a musical tribute to constitutional law. A song that says the word "shake" 94 times and the word "booty" a stately 20 times is perhaps the best way to proclaim the importance of upholding the constitution and protecting the rights of all U.S. citizens.\nRecreating classic disco hits is in the best interest of our country and instrumental in the war on terror. How? Well, that's something the Senate needed to ask Alito.
(01/11/06 5:00am)
I have some bad news. I've been enslaved by an evil monster.\nThis monster has the power to collect information from every corner of the globe, download pornography at an astonishing speed and aid in many convenient forms of communication.\nDevil, thy name is Internet.\nFive minutes of checking e-mail easily turns into hours of surfing for news, bidding on eBay, sending instant messages and Facebook-ing (now a verb).\nWhat would happen if they took the Internet away? Quite bluntly, we would freak out. A lack of Internet can cause feelings of panic, solitude and utter helplessness.\nLast summer I lived in New York City for an internship. I stayed at the dorms of New York University. I just assumed they'd provide me with an Ethernet cable, but I was tragically incorrect.\nIn a city where, according to Huey Lewis & the News, you can do "half a million things all at a quarter to three," the first thing I did was search for an Ethernet cable. I didn't know where I was going. Normally the Web would've given me directions. I craved Internet access so desperately that I wandered the streets of the Lower East Side until I stumbled upon a place to buy a cable. \nI couldn't function as a human being until I was able to get online. There's a word for that: pathetic.\nThe need to be connected has astonishing power over our lives. Admit it. We, as a society, love the Internet more than puppies and chocolate combined.\nI have a vision of the future. Everyone will be contained inside individual pods without contact with other human beings. Even more exciting, each pod will be equipped with wireless Internet access. Hooray! You can look up the coordinates of your friends' pods using Google Earth.\nThe Internet gives us immense freedom to find information and communicate with others. But the freedom takes on the form of shackles when we're paralyzed without it. Sure, most of us depend on the perks of the Web for our jobs or schoolwork, but not even lions pacing in cages at the zoo spend hours staring at a screen.\nThe easier it is to communicate with the world from your desk, the less likely you are to get up. I know I'm not the only person guilty of sending instant messages to a person within earshot. As soon as you get home, do you head straight for the computer?\nRepeat after me: Hello, my name is (insert name here), and I'm an Internet-a-holic.\nSome health professionals say that Internet addiction is a real medical problem.\nAccording to The New York Times, specialists in the area estimate that 6 to 10 percent of the 189 million Internet users in the United States "have a dependency that can be as destructive as alcoholism and drug addiction."\nRegardless of whether or not being online too much deserves to be defined as a real addiction, we need to acknowledge how much being hooked up controls our lives.\nAt the very least, avoid using the Internet as a tool for wasting time.\nIf you start to forget what daylight is, it's best to crawl out of your pod while you still can.
(12/08/05 1:52am)
What's the easiest thing you can think of?\nThis is a great opportunity to take a cheap shot at Tara Reid.\nTaking tests, finding love, planning your future, getting out of bed. It's all so hard.\nSurely easy things exist and they deserve a special tribute. But, what's the easiest thing you can think of?\nThe first example that pops into my head (pun intended) is microwavable popcorn. However, I remember a tragic popcorn incident from my freshman year that was rather complicated.\nFlashback! I thought I pressed the microwave's popcorn button, but something went horribly wrong. Thick smoke filled my tiny dorm room. The stench of burnt popcorn haunted the halls for weeks, maybe even months. Fellow dorm residents actually used the term "nuclear holocaust smell."\nOK, bad example. Popcorn is hard. So, what's easy?\nI asked the first person in sight, my roommate. \nI said, "Give me an example of something easy."\nShe said, "Your mom."\nI absolutely walked right into that one. Finding something easy isn't easy at all.\nI asked others for examples of easy things. A few responses were chewing gum, napping, putting on flip-flops, falling into old habits and flipping an SUV. But for most part, the following acts exemplify easy in its purest form.\n1. Spelling your own name.\nWriting a research paper? Put your name right at the top. Feels good, doesn't it? You didn't have to research it. You already knew it, perhaps better than anyone else. \n2. Making toast.\nToast isn't like those other foods you hear so much about in the news. It's easy. There's a burn factor, but unlike microwaves, toasters don't require punching in numbers or differential equations. Just press down a lever and you get a delicious, crusty meal. Best of all, it pops up. For the skeptics, let me emphasize: the toast comes to you.\n3. Sneezing.\nA sneeze is a mighty force. There's little difference between sneezing and the creation of the universe or a volcanic eruption, except sneezing is easy. Sure, it's a complex internal process, but you don't have to do anything consciously. It just happens beyond one's control, and that's what makes it so beautiful.\n4. Turning on a light.\nWhat could be more gratifying than flipping a switch to produce instant results? That's right, nothing. If you want to create light, a power once only accredited to gods, all you have to do is flip a switch and millions of tiny hamsters run around inside wheels to do the rest.\n5. Making a kissy face.\nAny proponent of the kissy face will tell you, it's fun and easy. Just put your lips together. Maybe add a little wink. The kissy face was invented in 1367 by Lord Kissy Face himself as a military tactic to conquer the French.\nAnd that brings me to my final point of easiness.\n6. Making stuff up.\nEasy things are scattered everywhere in our lives like carefree sprinkles atop a cupcake of labor and struggles. Yeah, life is hard, but it's easy to overlook the easy stuff.
(10/27/05 4:33am)
The other night I snuggled up in a cozy blanket, sat down next to a roaring fire with a mug of hot cocoa and read the U.S. Constitution (like every red-blooded American citizen should). Because of the recent snowstorm of Supreme Court nominations, I needed a refresher on the president's enumerated powers, specifically the judge pickin' of Article II, Section Two.\nIn regard to the president's nominees, the Constitution says, "Congress may by law vest the appointment of such inferior officers, as they think proper ..."\nI was a little sleepy when I read that, but wouldn't it be great if we replaced the word "vest" with "test?" Congress should test each nominee as they think proper. If this court is so "supreme," I propose the Senate Judiciary Committee test all court nominees with an Extreme Supreme Court Challenge. \nMany on the right and left are saying that Harriet Miers, President Bush's most recent Supreme Court nominee, is not qualified to sit on the bench, especially since she's never served as a judge. There's no better way to see if she's qualified than an extreme challenge -- a test of strength, agility and views on privacy law.\nSome might suggest that Miers should face off against another nominee to make it more interesting. She could compete with Bush's likely second choice for a Supreme Court seat, Judge Judy.\nBut to stay true to the intent of the Constitution's framers, only one nominee should be tested at a time on a pass/fail basis.\nThe first part of the Extreme Supreme Court Challenge would test endurance. A Supreme Court justice is appointed for life, after all. All nominees would have to bike for 112 miles, swim for 2.4 miles and run for 26.2 miles, all while wearing those flowing, black robes. I would expect no less from someone serving on the highest court in the land.\nThe next test would measure gavel dexterity with one of those whack-a-mole arcade games, followed by a lightening round of Constitutional law trivia.\nThe rest of the tests would be drawn from the nexus of American standards -- reality television. Nominees will endure a series of challenges borrowed from "Fear Factor," "Survivor" and "America's Next Top Model."\nThis new extreme standard might seem unfair compared to the trials of past justices, who were merely questioned by the Senate. Would William Rehnquist or Antonin Scalia have been able to eat 500 tarantulas in less than 60 seconds? Doubtful. But in case another spot on the court opens up, the president should be reminded that our expectations are high. Otherwise, he might nominate one of the other candidates on his short list, the Meow Mix cat.\nWould the cat want to overturn Roe v. Wade? I have no idea. \nIts views on the subject are still hazy after it issued this statement, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow." \nBut I'm pretty sure it would grant a writ of certiorari for any past case that denied the right of delicious cat food with a fresh seafood flavor that tastes like it came straight from the ocean to your cat's bowl.\nIn light of the sheer fact that this cat never even attended law school, I urge Congress to continue doing more testing and less vesting.