It's Da Bomb

I recently went through an airport security checkpoint and they wanted to make sure I wasn't a terrorist. I walked through a machine that blew air on me as some security dude rifled through my unmentionables. It was OK because none of my unmentionables were explosive. Unfortunately, if I did pack exploding underwear or, at the very least, bomb-making materials, my bag could've gone unsearched.\nNBC news reported that federal investigators were able to carry materials needed to make a homemade bomb through security at 21 U.S. airports. Even when investigators deliberately triggered extra screening of their bags, the materials were not found.\nCongress asked the Government Accountability Office to conduct the tests to determine how vulnerable U.S. airlines are to an attack from a suicide bomber using readily available materials.\nWith the heightened airport security measures taken after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, we were all thinking, "Thank God they took away all those nail clippers. Now freedom can sleep safely for one more night."\nI don't know how many times I've had to take off my shoes for airport security. And now they're telling me my lack of shoes wasn't effectively preventing terrorism? \nI feel I've been lied to. I feel dirty. Quite literally, in fact. I risked foot fungus and any number of airport floor diseases. And for what? For the sake of homeland security? No, for absolutely nothing. Bomb-making materials can be smuggled into the airport even when I'm not wearing shoes. How is that possible?\nThe Transportation Security Administration said screeners are receiving additional training. If there's one loophole in airport security, my guess is it probably shouldn't allow for homemade explosives. If there's an increase in airport security, I think I can predict what new measures will be taken to ensure the safety of travelers.\nEach passenger will go through the security check point twice. The first time you go through normally. Then you do it again, backwards.\nEach carry-on item will be anointed with the blood of a virgin and then blessed by a Mayan priest. Unless it's a laptop computer, in which case you must remove it from your bag, whisper the secret password, wink twice at security personnel and place it flat before it goes through the scanner. \nYou will not be able to continue through security until you recite a poem chosen completely at random from "The Norton Anthology of Modern and Contemporary Poetry, Third Edition." Once you walk through the metal detector with your boarding pass in hand, you will see a man dressed in black. Don't look directly into his eyes. An egg will rest in the palm of each of his hands. You must take one of the eggs, but choose wisely. If you pick the hardboiled egg, you may continue on to your terminal. But if you pick the raw egg, you must show him three government-issued IDs and your bag will be searched.\nFinally, the list of items banned from airline travel will be extended to include unmentionables, scented candles, babies, anything that's purple, the Fourth Amendment and materials used to make bombs.\nUntil they come out with brain scanners for terrorist mind activity, there's no better way to ensure airport safety.