Extreme Supreme Court Challenge

The other night I snuggled up in a cozy blanket, sat down next to a roaring fire with a mug of hot cocoa and read the U.S. Constitution (like every red-blooded American citizen should). Because of the recent snowstorm of Supreme Court nominations, I needed a refresher on the president's enumerated powers, specifically the judge pickin' of Article II, Section Two.\nIn regard to the president's nominees, the Constitution says, "Congress may by law vest the appointment of such inferior officers, as they think proper ..."\nI was a little sleepy when I read that, but wouldn't it be great if we replaced the word "vest" with "test?" Congress should test each nominee as they think proper. If this court is so "supreme," I propose the Senate Judiciary Committee test all court nominees with an Extreme Supreme Court Challenge. \nMany on the right and left are saying that Harriet Miers, President Bush's most recent Supreme Court nominee, is not qualified to sit on the bench, especially since she's never served as a judge. There's no better way to see if she's qualified than an extreme challenge -- a test of strength, agility and views on privacy law.\nSome might suggest that Miers should face off against another nominee to make it more interesting. She could compete with Bush's likely second choice for a Supreme Court seat, Judge Judy.\nBut to stay true to the intent of the Constitution's framers, only one nominee should be tested at a time on a pass/fail basis.\nThe first part of the Extreme Supreme Court Challenge would test endurance. A Supreme Court justice is appointed for life, after all. All nominees would have to bike for 112 miles, swim for 2.4 miles and run for 26.2 miles, all while wearing those flowing, black robes. I would expect no less from someone serving on the highest court in the land.\nThe next test would measure gavel dexterity with one of those whack-a-mole arcade games, followed by a lightening round of Constitutional law trivia.\nThe rest of the tests would be drawn from the nexus of American standards -- reality television. Nominees will endure a series of challenges borrowed from "Fear Factor," "Survivor" and "America's Next Top Model."\nThis new extreme standard might seem unfair compared to the trials of past justices, who were merely questioned by the Senate. Would William Rehnquist or Antonin Scalia have been able to eat 500 tarantulas in less than 60 seconds? Doubtful. But in case another spot on the court opens up, the president should be reminded that our expectations are high. Otherwise, he might nominate one of the other candidates on his short list, the Meow Mix cat.\nWould the cat want to overturn Roe v. Wade? I have no idea. \nIts views on the subject are still hazy after it issued this statement, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow." \nBut I'm pretty sure it would grant a writ of certiorari for any past case that denied the right of delicious cat food with a fresh seafood flavor that tastes like it came straight from the ocean to your cat's bowl.\nIn light of the sheer fact that this cat never even attended law school, I urge Congress to continue doing more testing and less vesting.