Hire the dinosaur

If stress were a liquid, students would be sponges, green and moist, sitting by the sink at full absorbency in puddles of their own anxiety. Many factors contribute to stress absorption, but trying to break into the career world is a very distinct puddle of stress.\nEveryone I know, including myself, has been stressing out about internships.\nI see absorbent sponges everywhere and all I want to do is squeeze out the stress.\nI'll concede that internship experience is important. If you don't get that dream internship, you'll never get a job, not even at McDonald's. Your home will be set on fire. And you'll be banished from society to a cold, dark place known as Lame Internship Island where you will eventually wither away and die as you fetch coffee and make copies.\nClearly there's a lot of pressure put on us sponges.\nSo if you're trying to get an internship, I want to help you. Just relax and read on, because I've asked the experts for advice and I've compiled some tips for scoring your next internship. I think these are the best ways to hitch a ride to a place I like to call Sweet Internship Town.\nBefore you start reeling in the job offers like many large, flopping, prize-winning bass, you should refurbish your resume. Even if you don't have formal job training, you probably have many skills that any employer would drool over. These skills, such as having the ability to tie other peoples' shoelaces together or having a knack for stealing cookies, should be placed prominently on the \nresume.\nAfter you've revised the content, format your resume so that it silently screams out "I'm a winner!" I suggest adding a photo of yourself giving a big thumbs up. If you have any bullet points, consider switching them to smiley faces.\nNext, there's one important word that everyone seeking a job should have tattooed on their ankle: networking. I encourage you to make a daily networking affirmation. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, smile and say, "Today I will network."\nGive your resume to everyone. E-mail it to your entire address book. Pass it out at weddings, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs and funerals (you don't even have to be invited). As you walk to class, hand out your resume to random strangers as if it were a flyer. But be sure to have a friend guard all surrounding trash cans to make sure no one throws your resume away.\nIf your resume makes it past the trash can, sit at home and wait by the phone because you should be getting an offer for an interview. Your performance in the interview is very important.\nAll the other intern applicants can talk about their strengths and weaknesses. "I'm a people person." "I'm a perfectionist," they say. There's only one way to make yourself stand out from other applicants: Act like a dinosaur. For the most competitive internships, I suggest mimicking a brontosaurus or the perpetual crowd pleaser -- the velociraptor. If you really want them to consider you for the position, I suggest making dino hand motions as well.