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(01/13/06 4:59am)
Blimey, the IUB chancellor search appears to be on the skids yet again. President Adam Herbert suspended the work of the search committee at last Saturday's board of trustees meeting; the professional head-hunting firm was dismissed a month ago; and no candidates appear as close as the three finalists rejected last Halloween (IDS, Jan. 11). Since my generous offers to fill the role continue to go unacknowledged (IDS, Nov. 14, 2005 and Nov. 11, 2003), perhaps I can help by proffering some creative alternatives to the troubled selection process.\n• Trial By Combat. Let's face it: IUB chancellor isn't an easy job. It'll take a candidate who can make and enforce tough decisions. And who better for the role than someone who has crushed Indiana higher education's most terrifying badasses in gladiatorial combat? The University's various schools and administrative divisions could determine their individual candidates through tournament-style contests, like the NCAA championships. Granted, this may give an unfair advantage to the more physical groups, such as the School of Health, Physical Education & Recreation or the athletic department -- but wouldn't that outcome be a boon for admissions? \n• Hold a Raffle. Simple: Anyone who wants to be chancellor can buy tickets, one of which is drawn randomly from a hat at an announced time (say, homecoming). To keep things above-board, we could use an outside-observer's hat (the governor's, for example) and have the drawing held by an external organization (such as the Indiana Secretary of State's office). The ticket money could go into any funds the University community deems worthy. Because we only want serious candidates, we should set a ticket price of at least $20 apiece. For greater objectivity, we could even mark out squares on the football field and hold a cow-drop. The governor could choose the cow.\n• Have Interim Chancellor Ken Gros-Louis cryogenically frozen. What's the point of being a top research university if you never take advantage of it? Folks seem to generally like having Gros-Louis as chancellor; the president seems to like having Gros-Louis as chancellor -- so why not keep him? Using liquid nitrogen, we could lower his body temperature until he reaches a state of suspended animation -- then thaw him out whenever something major needs to be decided. This has the added advantage of delaying the decision over his successor until sometime after universities have been replaced by knowledge downloaded straight into the cerebral cortex.\n• Replace the chancellor with the Bloomington Faculty Council. Do you think IUB needs bold, radical change? No, neither do I. So, how about we turn the decisions normally made by the chancellor over to the Bloomington Faculty Council -- and have those decisions made via a model of unanimous consensus-building? Besides giving everyone a say, this has the advantage of delaying all decisions until universities are replaced by direct-to-brain downloads.\nSee, this problem isn't insurmountable. These solutions came from calm, meditative deliberation and the consumption of hallucinogenic mushrooms -- er, I mean, herbal tea.
(12/12/05 6:36am)
On Thursday and Friday, the U.S. Secretary of Education's Commission on the Future of Higher Education met in Nashville, Tenn., to consider ways to make colleges "more efficient, more accessible, and more accountable to parents, students, and taxpayers" (Chronicle of Higher Education, Friday). One proposal floated at the conference was that colleges should be required to conduct standardized testing of their students as a condition of receiving federal student aid or academic accreditation. \nNow, I'm all for accountability, but what will this plan accomplish? Texas has a program called the Collegiate Learning Assessment, and many grad students go through a general standardized test as part of our admission requirements (the Graduate Record Examination) -- but do these evaluate whether you've actually learned anything in college? As a veteran of the GRE, I felt the exam seemed more like a test of whether I'd retained stuff from high school (the verbal and quantitative sections) combined with a form of absurdist punishment (the logic section -- now replaced by the far more relevant analytical writing section).\nThe greatest problem is that unlike primary or secondary education, college deals with in-depth knowledge about a wide variety of subjects. I've lectured on the aesthetics of film, the psychology of terrorism, the German federal system, the economic theories behind international trade, and more -- and I'm just one lowly instructor. How, then, do you design a test for college education in general?\nWell, to be helpful, I thought I'd give it a shot. Here are a few sample questions:\n1. You go to do laundry, but find the dorm washing machine is broken. What do you do?\nA. Call Res Life to come fix it. B. Sniff your clothes to see if you can get another day out of them. C. Take your laundry home to mom. D. Dude, I'd totally take the dishes out.\n2. What's with that weirdo in the single down the hall who's always talking to him or herself? Is he or she most likely a(n):\nA. Religious nut. B. Fantasy role-playing geek. C. Serial killer. D. Indiana Daily Student editor in chief.\n3. What's the equivalent of the Greek letters BKE in English? \nA. Delta Kappa Rho. B. Beta Kappa Epsilon. C. Abra Ka Dabra. D. Free beer.\n4. Spring break is coming up. When should you take off?\nA. Right after your final class. B. The Friday before. C. January. D. The question is not "When should you take off?" but "What?"\n5. If you lose your syllabus, what should you do? \nA. Nothing. B. Try to stay one chapter ahead of the lectures. C. Ask the prof for another copy. D. Thank God for the discovery of penicillin.\n6. What's the best way to pay off your student loans? \nA. Complex pyramid scheme. B. Put them on the credit card. C. Entry-level position with a large company. D. Entry-level position with hands wrapped around ankles.\nSo, study up folks, but not too hard. After all, you only have to meet Washington's intellectual standards.
(12/05/05 4:34pm)
With 2005 winding down to a close, we need to start thinking about the year to come. What will 2006 hold for us? Will it be better than 2005? Worse?\nI don't like to brag, but I'm a fair hand with a crystal ball. If you don't like spoilers, stop reading now. But if you're like me, and aren't above a little peek at what's around the corner, here's a bit of what to expect:\n• Following the recent rapprochement between Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman (The Associated Press, Thursday), celebrations carry on into 2006. In February, Oprah will decide to officially commemorate the event by shipping thousands of new cars to her loyal viewers. Letterman will follow suit, shipping tens of canned hams to his own.\n• Jan. 3: First Impressions of Earth, the next album by garage rockers The Strokes, hits stores. Fan speculation as to whether the band can live up to its 2001 debut, Is This It, is finally resolved. \nJan. 4: Enthusiasm wanes as fans discover software on the Sony-produced CDs burns your house down if it suspects you might be thinking about copying music.\n• In line with the resolution approved by IU-Bloomington's faculty (Chronicle of Higher Education, Friday), the IU trustees prepare a midterm review of President Adam Herbert, prompting Herbert to finally sit down to read all the stuff on the syllabus and look up when the trustees hold office hours.\n• Media-stoked fears of a possible avian flu epidemic lead to a mad rush for Roche Products' flu-prevention drug Tamiflu. Demand reaches its zenith when members of the long-active Sri Lankan terrorist group, Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (aka The "Tamil Tigers"), issue a public plea for folks to learn how to use a damned phonebook. And quit leaving messages on their machines.\n• In April, Dunn Meadow plays host to IUB's first annual Renaissance Fair (Indiana Daily Student, Friday). Finally, I get to wear pantaloons and eat a leg of mutton in class without you people looking at me funny.\n• The recent punch-up between members of rap-metal band 311 and former Creed frontman Scott Stapp (AP, Friday) triggers a complex system of secret alliances, dragging Nickelback, Hoobastank, Staind, Third Eye Blind, The Bloodhound Gang, P.O.D., Insane Clown Posse, Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst into the conflict. The unprecedented carnage quickly leads all sides to take cover in 8-foot-deep trenches and prepare for a war of attrition. Peace resumes when music lovers, seizing their opportunity, have the trenches filled in.\n• Campaign fever returns as America gears up for the November 2006 midterm elections. Pollsters, columnists, television pundits and political scientists launch into the full spirit of things, making deep, profound predictions about the elections' impact. In a new record best, these predictions hold mostly true all the way into the third week of January 2007. Meanwhile, the rest of America's citizens ignore the whole thing -- busy as they are with their new cars and canned hams.\nSo, there you have it: 2006. Guaranteed 100 percent accurate or my name isn't Nostradamus D. Kreskin. Which it, of course, totally is.
(11/28/05 3:35pm)
There is probably no Web site better suited toward generating opinion column ideas than The Drudge Report (www.drudgereport.com). \nIt isn't because of the site's analysis or writing -- there's hardly any of either. Nor is it because the site deals with the important issues of the day -- if Paris Hilton's chihuahua farts in public, you can count on finding out how loud. \nNo, it's because of the extraordinary ability of Matt Drudge and his assistants to ferret out the most attention-grabbing, controversy-producing, water-cooler-chatting news stories of any given day. And, as such, these stories are ideal column fodder. \nSure, some writers manage thoughtful, deeply researched pieces without partisan rancor, bloodshed, celebrity liposuction or high school teachers seducing their students -- but who reads those? Why, if the editors had only let me title this column "FREE NUDE BEER SEX!" -- the number of eyes on this page would've doubled. It might even have won a Pulitzer. \nSo, instead, here's the next best thing -- four opinions for four articles on the Drudge Report main page as of Saturday:\n1. One report of fights and one report of an old lady getting knocked down as a result of post-Thanksgiving shopping madness in Florida (Local 6 News and The Sun-Sentinel of South Florida, both Friday). \nBlimey! Where were the authorities? Where was the National Guard? I want an independent commission! I want a report! One who blames the whole thing on Congress not giving me a free Xbox 360! On a related topic, anyone else get the impression that Florida is running out of things to do to stay in the "News of the Weird" column?\n2. British historian David Irving: arrested by Austrian authorities for denying that the Holocaust occurred (Reuters, Nov. 25). \nYup, no better way to prove Nazi sympathizers wrong than to jail them for publicly expressing unpopular views. Funny, I always pictured the Austrians as more laid-back -- what with all the kangaroos, boomerang-throwing and shrimp-on-the-barbie.\n3. Cloning expert Hwang Woo-suk quits all his official positions after revealing that two of his researchers donated their eggs for the project's research (Financial Times, Thursday). \nQuite right -- we don't want to risk accidentally cloning a batch of brilliant geneticists. They should have gotten those eggs from social science's favorite test subject: college sophomores. I don't care what they clone, as long as it gets totally crazy over spring break.\n4. Meet the freegans: middle-class Americans who dig food out of the trash (London Times, Saturday).\nJeez, some folks will do anything to avoid eating in the residence halls. I know they're making a statement about how Americans waste food -- but, since 21st century famines are caused by Third-World governments deliberately starving their opponents (rather than lack of food), perhaps we should worry less about those who waste food and more about those who waste people.\nYes, yes, I know these opinions are shallow, trifling things. But, given the original stories, nothing else would do.
(11/21/05 4:32pm)
Thanksgiving is approaching -- but the country doesn't seem to be in the spirit. Sure, we're all looking forward to stuffing ourselves and engaging in Mad Max-esque road rage -- but aren't we forgetting the deeper purpose?\nUpon establishing the official celebration in 1863, Abraham Lincoln wrote: "The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added ... (Thus) it has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People."\nBut he only had to deal with the Civil War -- that's nothing compared to the problems we face today. Terrorism, avian flu, natural disasters, missing white girls ... This would seem the perfect time to try to look on the bright side and count what blessings we do have. \nWe as Americans, however, are badly divided. We need something to bring us together -- a national project, like JFK's 1962 challenge to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. But space exploration is so passé. We need a different type of project -- one that solves a vital social problem. Therefore, allow me to make a humble suggestion:\nLast week, Montana held its first buffalo hunt in 15 years. A controversial decision, but necessary. The buffalo might be few, but being much smarter than cows, they threaten to lead the bovines in a Marxist-style ruminant revolution, like that George Orwell book where the animals take over the farm -- you know, "Green Acres." Anyway, this worthy effort faces a crucial problem: As we all know, killing a buffalo is only acceptable if you use every part. \nThus, I am calling for a crash program to develop technology and techniques capable of meeting the challenge of barbecuing a whole buffalo. Personally, I suspect the greatest hurdle is not the technology -- according to my estimates, in 10 years NASA could build a large enough slow-cooker for a mere $1.2 billion. No, it lies in devising the best recipes. How do you ensure the buffalo is tender, yet still juicy? Do you use a sauce or a dry rub? If a sauce, should it be tomato, mustard or vinegar based -- or something else? What combination of spices work best for buffalo?\nI admit that such a project might aggravate regional differences, bringing, say, Texans, Kansans, Tennesseans, Illinoisans, Louisianans, Missourians and others into conflict. And, yet, what better opportunity to celebrate our cultural diversity? For our nation is a great melting-pot of barbecue traditions. \nSure, there are other, lesser issues confronting us -- but we cannot allow ourselves to be distracted. Now is the time for bold action. Bold, smoky, barbecue-coated action.
(11/14/05 5:12am)
Two years ago, in this very paper, I announced my willingness to serve as chancellor of IU-Bloomington (Indiana Daily Student, Nov. 11, 2003). I still haven't heard back, and given that I'm not invited to Tuesday's special closed-door "general meeting of the Bloomington faculty," I'm probably not being seriously considered for the post. I suspect this is because of the search process places an unhealthy emphasis on "qualifications" and "competence" and "a lack of outstanding warrants for arrest" -- a discriminatory approach that has surely barred many interesting candidates from consideration.\nThus, I am writing again to let it be known that not only am I willing to take up the duties of IUB chancellor, I am also willing to present what I, as chancellor, would bring to the table.\nFirst of all, in the past two years, I have learned what exactly a chancellor does. The chancellor is the chief executive officer of IUB.\nWhat does that mean, you ask? Um, well ... Clearly the chief executive officer is the chief officer in charge of executing things -- like deserters and horse thieves. As such, it is a post of great responsibility. Were I to fill this role, no such villains would escape my watchful eye. Or my other one either.\nHowever, more importantly, what I lack in "experience" or "good judgment," I make up for in ideas. \nFor instance, I have a plan to help the University raise funds without increasing general tuition. It's simple. We all know a significant portion of the student body isn't interested in exams, or classes or any of that "learning" stuff. So, for those willing to pay an extra $20,000, $30,000, even $50,000 in tuition, we would award a bachelor's degree in general attendance. In exchange for the higher price, the students get to hang out here for four years without taking any icky courses -- and, at the end, they get the college degree their parents wanted (with a 2.0 grade point average). We can then apply the money to scholarships for poorer, smarter students.\nFurthermore, I would implement the policies the IU Student Association has failed to implement. For example, the IUSA wanted to establish a pub at the Indiana Memorial Union so undergraduates could see professors and grad students drinking responsibly. Problem is, no professor or grad student in his/her right mind would choose to drink at the IMU. As chancellor, I couldn't force anyone to be anywhere but through meddling with department affairs, scaring off worthy faculty candidates and driving down IUB's academic standings, I'll drive instructors to drink.\nIn addition, I promise intelligent design will not invade this campus. In fact, nothing will be designed intelligently -- buildings, academic programs, marching band uniforms, etc. I'll take Bloomington's street system for inspiration.\nFinally, I promise all our sports teams will be winners. How? We won't count the games they lose. Imagine the savings for the athletics department budget!\nYes, I have seen the future of the chancellorship -- and it be I!
(11/07/05 3:38pm)
Last week, the logic board died in my beloved, broadband-accessing, Wi-Fi-compatible, state-of-the-art-operating-system-sporting Apple laptop. And while Apple has been very good about repairing the problem for free, it has meant that -- until it's fixed -- I've been thrown back into the world of the '90s. \nAccess to the Internet is either a question of finding hard-wired watering holes or of dealing with my cantankerous emergency back-up computer which, although only eight years old, now handles the Web about as well as if it were a rusty leftover salvaged from a Soviet submarine. I feel at the mercy of the dinosaurs who determine what's worthy of the 24-hour newscycle.\nIt's amazing how quickly this technology has changed our lives. The U.S. Census Bureau's 2003 Current Population Survey, the most recent available, reports that the proportion of U.S. households with Internet access has tripled since 1997 -- up to 55 percent -- while the Pew Internet and American Life Project has reported that 68 percent of American adults are online regularly. \nConsumer research firm ACNielsen has estimated that 10 percent of the world's population has bought something online, including 89 percent of Americans, with the United States ranking only 11th out of the countries polled. And, according to The Project for Excellence in Journalism, around one-half to two-thirds of Internet users read news stories on the Web on a weekly basis.\nNo wonder, then, that governments seem hot to control the Internet. That this should happen in repressive regimes is not news. Just last week, the Libyan and Egyptian governments were each, respectively, accused of arresting bloggers critical of their regimes. And I've written before about the cynical, possibly sinister attempt by the United Nations and European Union to put the Internet's root servers under their control. But what of our own?\nIn the United States, we've been blessed with a laissez-faire approach to the Internet that has allowed it to develop into the haven for free speech and free commerce it is today. But, as with all freedoms, we in the American public must be active in its defense. \nOn Wednesday, the House of Representatives narrowly failed to pass H.R. 1606, a bill that would enshrine the current practice of exempting Web sites from regulation by the Federal Election Commission. The failure of this bill could be taken as permission for the FEC to regulate political speech on the Web, stifling political debate and analysis in the name of controlling campaign funding. Our representatives must be told that this is unacceptable.\nHere in 2005, we live at a time when millions of citizens are able to connect and interact with millions of others through a technology that puts the power of mass media into the hands of the average individual. This is an unprecedented development in the history of free speech. We don't need the FEC to turn back the clock.
(10/31/05 4:39am)
Given that today is Halloween, this seems the ideal time to address an oft-overlooked issue affecting the quality of life on campus.\nIU is insufficiently haunted.\nNow I'm not saying IU isn't haunted. Nor do I mean to disparage the fine work of those ghosts already calling the University home. The Indiana Memorial Union, for instance, is particularly well supplied. In seeking to provide a wide variety of services for the college community, the IMU not only boasts a Burger King and bowling alley but the spectre of a little boy inhabiting the Tudor Room's creepy Halloween painting. Over the years, ghostly happenings have been witnessed in other parts of the building and, according to legend, it proved so unsettling as to cause a dog to commit suicide by leaping from one of the upper-story windows. \nIndeed, much credit must be given to the IU administrators who had the foresight to build the IMU next to a cemetery -- few Big Ten student unions can boast a comparable level of hauntedness. And beyond the Union, the Career Development Center, Read Center, La Casa Latino Cultural Center and a number of the small houses surrounding campus, all play host to some sort of noncorporeal entity.\nAnd, yet, how often do pieces of furniture seemingly move on their own? How long since a cold chill ran down your spine? The last time you heard shrieks in the night, was it just your next-door neighbor's girlfriend "staying over" for the weekend? Yes, for most of us, the Hoosier spirit world is disturbingly quiet.\nAs cited in the Indiana Daily Student, IU and Bloomington possess a number of features that should make them oases for the undead. Ghosts dig history -- we have nearly 190 years worth and counting. Ghosts also like "military bases, bodies of water, sizeable populations and relative seclusion from other large cities," according to Lynn Taylor, founder of the Association for Aerial Anomaly Research and Cataloging. Meanwhile, we have Crane Naval Surface Warfare Base, Lake Monroe and -- as anyone commuting to Indianapolis can attest -- vast tracts of seclusion (IDS, July 18).\nSo why aren't we up to our eyeballs in poltergeists, wraiths and free-roaming vapors? Where are our glowing orbs? Our wispy phantasms? Our howling banshees? \nI work in Woodburn Hall, a lovely old building at the center of campus. On occasion, I've been stuck there late at night. And do you know what I've seen? Absolutely nothing. I can understand ghosts not wanting to hang out in Ballantine, but the lack of even a little chain rattle in Woodburn is shameful.\nClearly, the University must do more to bolster ghost recruitment efforts. We could offer long-term, low interest leases on prime haunting space. We could sell officially licensed shrouds. We could build such ghost-friendly features as staircases to nowhere and un-opening doors. \nLikewise, we must support those ghosts already here. Why, before this season, they made up half the attendance at IU football games.
(10/24/05 4:31am)
Friday's The Chronicle of Higher Education carried the news that Stanford University has forged a deal with Apple Computers to make lectures, student-produced music and sports commentary available as free downloads via the iTunes Music Store. \nThis follows www.pickaprof.com's move to offer lectures as free downloadable MP3s (Indiana Daily Student, Sept. 29), and Purdue University's announcement that lectures, previously available on library cassettes, will be podcast (The Chronicle of Higher Education, Aug. 31). Not to be outdone, IU is making its iStream lectures available as iTunes podcasts. \nSo far, all these initiatives have involved lectures in audio-form only, but with the advent of video iPods, the time of digital profs being seen as well as heard is fast approaching.\nThus, it's time that we start asking: What will all this technological change mean for academia? Can we adapt?\nFor starters, will there be a point to holding class anymore? What makes viewing lectures on one's computer or iPod an inferior experience to attending lectures in the flesh? \nWhile there might be exceptions, I would hazard that the majority of classes do not invoke the communal experience or sense of shared purpose that, for example, makes attending a sports event or concert superior to watching it on television. \nSure, live lectures allow real-time give-and-take between professors and students. But how often do students take advantage of it? How much opportunity is there for discussion in introductory-level courses with 100 to 200 students? How much of it could be done, instead, via e-mail or instant messenger? Examinations and grading have already moved to the web -- just look at Oncourse.\nSome courses involve hands-on activities that cannot yet be reproduced in a digital medium. For instance, given the expensive equipment, dangerous chemicals and carcasses used in lab classes, the hard sciences defy easy reproduction. But what about social science, art appreciation, literature, history or philosophy courses? With books, lectures and interaction available via the web, what's to stop these from going entirely digital?\nIf we polled undergraduates on whether they would prefer live lectures or downloaded lectures, what do you think the answer might be?\nAnd here's another question: With digital lectures infinitely reproducible and available globally, how many professors and universities will the market demand? How long until the Ivy Leagues follow the University of Phoenix online? What's to prevent them from holding courses for 100,000 students? If Dell Computer can train support center employees in the intricate details of an XPS desktop , what's to stop a university from forming such a center for questions about the works of Proust?\nFinally, what's the role of graduate students in all this? Grad students often fill the gap between a university's educational and research roles. We teach the basic, high-enrollment courses, freeing up faculty for research. In turn, we're trained to become the next generation of faculty. But basic, high-enrollment courses seem amenable to digitization -- so why not download them from another university? Then, what's the point of having grad students? And without grad students, how does academia reproduce itself?
(10/17/05 4:20am)
"We know what's best for you. Trust us."\nAt the moment, the United Nations, the European Union and a coalition of countries, including such human rights champions as China, Cuba and Iran, are seeking to take control of the Internet -- history's greatest medium for free expression. Why? Because they know what's best for you -- and, really, you should trust them. \nUh-huh ...\nTwo weeks ago, at a meeting in advance of November's World Summit on the Information Society, the United Nations and its International Telecommunications Union assailed U.S. "monopolization" of the root servers that form the Web's technical backbone. These root servers are managed by the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, a private company under U.S. Department of Commerce oversight. London's Guardian newspaper, which never allows its own (supposedly) liberal principles to interfere with a dig at America or the Bush administration, gushed over how the U.K.'s representative "explained the EU had decided to end the U.S. government's unilateral control of the Internet and put in place a new body that would now run this revolutionary communications medium" (Oct. 6).\nSome of you might be saying, "Good! Take the Internet out of the hands of those religious fundamentalists and neocons!" But the fact is the Internet has grown into a free forum precisely because those root servers are held by the United States. The Bush administration's support for free speech may be dubious -- its mobilization of the FBI against consenting-adult pornography attests to such (Washington Post, Sept. 20). But this ill-conceived waste of FBI resources will eventually crash headlong into the Supreme Court, the First Amendment, a civil society packed with investigative journalists, non-profit organizations and ultimately an American public that dislikes being dominated (well, by its government, anyway). \nThe same cannot be said for the Internet's aspiring masters. In the United Kingdom, for example, the House of Lords is currently delaying the Labour government's attempt to pass a Racial and Religious Hatred Bill that, while seeking to silence bigots and terrorist sympathizers, also threatens to restrict individuals' ability to criticize or mock a religion. As Mr. Bean himself, Rowan Atkinson has said: "A law which attempts to say that you can ridicule ideas, as long as they are not religious ideas, is a very peculiar law indeed" (The Times (London), Oct. 9). Imperfect though American government might be, such a law could never survive our system of checks and balances.\nThe EU has threatened that it might set up another Internet, one it can control (UPI, Oct. 12). Let it. And let's see which one the Googles and Googlers flow into. During the 1950s, the German people got to choose between living in a free society and living under tight government control. And by 1961, the government of East Germany had to build a 26-mile-long concrete wall to keep them in.
(10/10/05 4:39am)
Coffee!\nO muse! O divine fuel! Without it, column writing would be impossible. Clearly, the ancient Ethiopian shepherds, or whoever it was that first discovered such homely little beans could be turned into a magical elixir, must have been masters of public debate. What a thing to hear! Ahh, to have been one of those sheep!\nBut never mind what it does for the craft of the well-wrought opinion -- without it, our society would grind to a halt. Eighty percent of Americans are coffee drinkers, 53 percent daily, according to USA Today (Oct. 6). Further, the über mass-market daily reports that demand is pushing the fast-food industry -- traditionally purveyors of molten tar with non-dairy creamer -- toward going gourmet. Indeed, Burger King is set to start offering "turbo-strength" coffee -- consumption of which, presumably, makes the "The Matrix" look like "Leave It To Beaver."\nI know what you're thinking: The coffee thing is so 90s. It's done -- it was all Starbucks, "Friends," bland, hairy rock by the Counting Crows ... But, you see, the 90s was when coffee was a luxury item. Coffee then was about pretty 20-somethings idling around in plush armchairs ordering expensive drinks in strange, alien codes that might or might not have been Italian.\nNo, this is the 21st century: the age of coffee as lifeblood -- coffee as necessity. On Sept. 26, BusinessWeek reported "more than 31 percent of college-educated male workers are regularly logging 50 or more hours a week at work, up from 22 percent in 1980." Furthermore, "Forty percent of American adults get less than seven hours of sleep on weekdays ... (compared to) 31 percent in 2001," and "About 60 percent of us are sometimes or often rushed at mealtime, and one-third wolf down lunch at our desks."\nThe folks at BusinessWeek argue that this growth in work hours, despite booming productivity, is because of the failure of organizations to adapt to the revolution in information technology. Whatever. Those of us involved in this column -- you, me, the other tens of people reading this -- we know what it takes to keep this engine going. Where organizational design fails, caffeine-enhanced biology can take up the slack. And if it doesn't? Well, that's just unthinkable. You might as well start having siestas! And next thing you know, you're eating tapas! And going to bullfights! And building Alhambras! And using "vosotros" for formal second-person plural pronouns! And there just isn't enough time in the day for "vosotros"!\nNo, there's too much to do to lose a third or so of one's lifetime in sleep. If the average human lifespan is 72 years, we coffee drinkers must live the equivalent of 96! And maybe more! Scientists are claiming coffee is rich in cancer-preventing antioxidants -- so we could still be twitching and talking to ourselves when all the normal, "well-adjusted" suckers are long gone (Reuters, Sept. 26). BWAHAHAHAHAH!\nWhat? What's that? Yes, I had eight cups today. Why do you ask?
(10/03/05 4:39am)
I hope you have everything set for Halloween. After all, you only have ...\nWhat? There are still 28 days left?!!\nNevertheless, costumes, props, decorator items and CANDY, CANDY, CANDY appeared at the start of September. Fellow connoisseurs of the local Wal-Mart might have observed the room normally dedicated to gardening supplies is already filled with equipment for celebrating the holiday on a monumental scale: giant inflatable grim reapers, fog machines, Christmas lights rigged with black light bulbs, animatronic dancing pirates and more.\nIt's an old joke that stores bring out Christmas stuff earlier and earlier -- but, there's an economic reason: the Thanksgiving-to-New Year's period sees the year's greatest amount of consumer spending. Sales during this period are critical to many industries: jewelry, for example. No wonder stores want us in the spirit early.\nBut Halloween? Sure, there's plenty of consumption from assembling a costume to buying treats to hosting a Halloween party. But it hardly compares to buying gifts for the winter holidays. Are the store owners nuts?\nNo, they're not. A National Retail Federation survey has reported that consumers are expected to spend $3.3 billion on Halloween, a 5.4 percent increase from 2004 (which, in turn, saw a similar increase from 2003). Though $3.3 billion is tiny compared to the winter holidays (estimated to reach $435.3 billion in 2005), this does represent significant growth. Retailers now hope that the kickoff for the winter shopping spree will migrate forward from Thanksgiving to Halloween.\nSo, what's the deal? Don't get me wrong, I love Halloween. But why is it taking off so dramatically?\nOne reason for increased spending is that, despite higher oil costs, the economy is in profoundly good shape. In 2004, GDP increased 4.4 percent and unemployment was only 5.5 percent, according to the CIA World Factbook. But why is Halloween approaching Christmas as the second-highest spending holiday? \nIt's tempting to say it's a product of larger societal fears because we see real-life scary things in the news, we seek out fictional scary things as a release. But the numbers don't bear this out: Halloween sales were flat during the worrisome times of 2001 to 2003.\nHere's a different hypothesis: what if Halloween is tapping into the changing nature of society? Halloween celebrates individualism. For one night, you dress up however you want, limited only by budget, creativity and local decency laws. Introverts become rock stars, saints become devils, and more than a few frat boys go in drag. And yet, Halloween is also communal. Whether trick or treating, going to haunted houses, or partying, you don't do it alone. Meanwhile, we see lives individually soundtracked by iPods while mobile phones connect us at practically all times. Web pages are devoted both to specialty interests and social networking. Is it any coincidence that Halloween rose to prominence in America, a country whose individualism and voluntary associations were both described by Tocqueville more than 150 years ago?
(09/26/05 4:21am)
Ever get jumped by a lot of big expenses, all at once? \nWell, the federal government can empathize. With ambitious hurricane recovery plans added to a federal budget already covering the war on terror and the ever-growing costs of Social Security and Medicare, one can almost hear the national treasury creak like a submarine plummeting toward the ocean floor.\nBut dealing with these expenditures is not easy. The need for hurricane relief strikes at the heart of why we are American citizens. If we turn our backs on each other in the midst of a crisis, what's the point of having a country? While some might want to slash defense spending, abandon the war on terror and retreat into "blessed isolationism," the lesson of this past century is that given a national identity based on democracy and individual liberties, there's always someone who wants to cave our heads in. Better to fight them on their turf than ours. \nAs for Social Security and Medicare, while we need to deal with the rising costs, every election year, the AARP shrieks that cuts will reduce desperate, starved, drug-deprived seniors to cannibalism and banditry (I might be slightly exaggerating). And they win because, unlike most readers of this column, their supporters vote. \nFinally, we could raise taxes. But taxes discourage economic growth by depressing productivity. The higher the tax burden, the lower the incentive to work, the less work gets done, the less the economy grows and the less work is available for others.\nSo what to do?\nI have no definitive answer, but cutting some federal spending on local projects (i.e. pork-barrel spending) couldn't hurt.\nThe Web site http://truthlaidbear.com has begun publicizing U.S. Congress members' commitments to reduce pork on behalf of hurricane relief. At this column's writing, there's precisely one commitment: from Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House Minority Leader. That's right: One of Congress' most liberal representatives has supported this effort, while those of the more conservative state of Indiana have not.\nIndiana is far from the greatest recipient of pork -- the state ranks 45th in pork per capita, according to watchdog group, Citizens Against Government Waste. But this state is well poised to lead by example. For instance, Gov. Mitch Daniels confronted pork-barrel spending as director of the White House Office of Management and Budget. If pork cannot be tackled here, where can it be?\nOn the Web site of IU's Center on Congress, Lee Hamilton makes a reasonable argument that not all pork is wasteful -- much goes to needed infrastructure projects. Indeed, some even goes to IU as congressional earmarks (in 2003, IU was ranked 214 out of 673 recipient schools by the Chronicle of Higher Education).\nBut we should ask what our priorities are. How much of this spending is really necessary? How much can be put off until later? We may not be able to cut all spending, but $100,000 here or there goes a long way.
(09/19/05 3:46am)
Attention Associated Press newswire: So, I heard you're trying to be hip?\nYeah, The New York Times leaked the word: "The 157-year-old news agency is to start its 'younger audience service,' offering articles and 'experiences' in multimedia formats with audio, video, blogs and wireless text aimed at reaching those readers." And this program, which begins today, is called "ASAP" because 18- to 34-year-old readers will think it's, like, fast, right?\nI appreciate your attempt to connect with the "younger generation" and everything. And who doesn't prefer multimedia stuff to fusty old articles? At the very least, video podcasts ("vodcasts") should reveal whether the AP stringers in, say, Kyrgyzstan actually leave the hotel, or whether they just make stuff up over a breakfast of vodka and corn chips.\nBut now that the word's out, you have inadvertently violated hipness rule No. 1: Never let people know you're trying to be hip. Deeply uncool. Next, you'll be hanging out in Starbucks and telling us about the Indie band you just discovered called "Death Cab of Cuteness."\nBut, hey, I'm here to help. Not because I'm hip -- I'm a total geek. The things I like just happen to be hip. (See how that works? Rule No. 2 of being hip: Once hip, never admit it.)\nLet's start with your strengths. As a wire service, you're well placed to take advantage of hipster rule No. 3: It's all about information. At one time, the key was knowing the local "scene." But today, the Internet (or "teh Internets" if you're really cool) has produced a transnational network of hipness. However, tapping into it will require a shift in emphasis. Forget about press conferences and investigative reporting -- focus on avant-garde music, underground popular culture and the weirdest blogs you can find. For example: "Federal Reserve raising interest rate 0.25 percent" = Bad. "Check out this Web site dedicated to banana stickers" = Good.\nPolitics is hip now, but remember that passion trumps substance. Detailed analyses of proposals to change federal income tax rates = Bad. Photoshops of George W. Bush as a chimp or any other member of the anthropoid ape family = Good. Check out Reuters' now-famous Bush "potty note" -- that's fine work.\nNext, spice up your writing with obscure pop culture references and f-bombs whenever possible. "The U.N. Security Council failed to reach an agreement today" = Bad. "The Security Council meeting was as frigging lame as a Kajagoogoo reunion without Steve Askew" = Good.\nFinally, there's the question of fashion. The just-rolled-out-of-bed look is always chic, but it's a youngsters' game. At more than 100 years in service, the AP is better off with a classic, retro style. Stories delivered via the Web = Bad. Stories typed out on an early 20th century Underwood No. 5 typewriter = Good. Stories written on gas station paper towels and delivered by hairy Bohemians = Trying too hard.\nFollow these tips and you'll go far. Oh, and get a tattoo. I heard Agence France Presse thinks they're hot.
(09/12/05 4:53am)
After Hurricane Katrina struck, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan issued a Sept. 1 statement "offering ... heartfelt sympathy, and any assistance the United Nations can give."\nReally, Kofi? Any assistance?\nI appreciate the United Nations' offer. As of Sept. 8, it had sent teams to Baton Rouge, La., Denton, Texas, and the Little Rock Air Force Base to help coordinate international assistance. It was also mobilizing (or trying to mobilize) relief activities via the U.N. Children's Fund and the World Health Organization (United Nations press release, Sept. 8). It's possible the United Nations' "coordination" will amount to little more than meetings about meetings and reports about reporting on the progress of reporting -- but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.\nHowever, if the United Nations is really serious about contributing, its officials need not even leave New York. With hurricane relief and reconstruction costs exceeding $51.8 billion, Washington will need its pennies; and by improving its functioning, the United Nations can help us conserve them (CNN, Sept. 9).\nFirst, following the Volcker Commission's final report on the Oil-For-Food Scandal, it'd be a boon if the United Nations actually took reform seriously. Just imagine if, after paying our membership dues, we didn't have to spend more tax revenues to extinguish crises that timely U.N. intervention could've handled. Sure, sometimes we'll have to do things the United Nations cannot (i.e. knock heads) -- but it's easy to recall cases where an ounce of U.N. prevention would have been worth a pound of U.S. cure. For example, if Oil-For-Food hadn't funneled money to Saddam's coffers, maybe an invasion wouldn't have been necessary.\nSecond, a 1998-1999 U.N. Development Corporation study found the United Nations' New York headquarters to be badly in need of renovation (www.undc.org). Judging by my last visit to U.N. headquarters, I agree -- the decoration clearly emerged from a Cold War compromise. But in May, The New York Sun reported the plan's estimated cost to be $1.2 billion. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has testified before the U.S. Senate that the project could be done for $500 million (Senate floor statement of Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., April 6). And while I'm not inclined to believe "The Donald" on matters of hair care, marriage or subtle good taste -- he did make his fortune in the New York construction market.\nFinally, while we struggle with the aftermath of a huge natural disaster, maybe the United Nations could hold off calling us "stingy" for 20 minutes? Yet again, the U.N. Human Development Report has classed the United States among "the least generous donors" (International Herald Tribune, Sept. 9) -- ignoring that Americans tend to give through the private sector rather than via government. Sure, we could do more -- especially by fostering free trade in agriculture. \nBut with the Volcker Committee report specifying how Kofi Annan's son Kojo used his father's name to avoid paying $20,000 in taxes on his Mercedes to his own impoverished country of Ghana (Reuters, Sept. 7), the United Nations might want to think about its own glass house before pitching stones.
(09/07/05 4:50am)
Kanye West caused quite a stir this weekend during Friday's NBC telethon for victims of Hurricane Katrina when he suggested the federal government had been slow to deal with the crisis because "George Bush doesn't care about black people." NBC quickly cut away from him and edited his remarks out of the telethon's West Coast showing, prompting the next day's Los Angeles Times to opine that "the network violated the most moving and essential moment in an otherwise sterile, self-serving corporate broadcast" (Sept. 4).\nThe only problem is this "moving and essential moment" was utter nonsense. And not just from a partisan "love Bush-hate Bush" perspective. Even if every Democratic barb ever thrown at Bush happened to be true -- a tall order given the seemingly limitless supply -- this allegation simply doesn't square with reality. \nThe fact is for the last several years, the Republican Party has been actively working to appeal to African-American voters frustrated with being taken for granted by the Democrats. Examples include supporting the community work of black churches through the faith-based programs initiative, pressing for school voucher programs and increasing Pell Grants (as reported in the IDS, July 18) and doubling U.S. aid to Africa for fighting AIDS, malaria and underdevelopment. The New York Times reports: "In Maryland, Michigan, Ohio and Pennsylvania, black Republicans -- all of whom have been groomed by the national party -- are expected to run for governor or the U. S. Senate next year. Several other up-and-coming black Republicans are expected to run for lower statewide offices in Missouri, Ohio, Texas and Vermont in 2006" (July 1).\nMatters of principle aside, this effort comes from a simple recognition of America's changing demographics. With white voters rapidly shrinking as a portion of the U.S. population, any party perceived as being "for whites only" will soon be condemned to the political wilderness. The GOP is seeking to diversify for the most rational motive: survival.\nAnd, judging by 2004's elections, this approach is bearing fruit. Bush won not merely because Republican supporters were mobilized -- the Democrats cancelled this out by mobilizing their own -- but also because he gained votes among traditionally Democratic groups, such as African-Americans. To build on this, GOP Chairman Ken Mehlman spent the year addressing a variety of African-American civic and community groups, from the African Methodist Episcopal Church Convention (www.GOP.com, July 26), to students at Howard University (Boston Globe, Aug. 22). If George Bush doesn't care about black people, all this work was a waste of time.\nThis is not West's first loony conspiracy theory. At the Philadelphia Live 8 concert, he told MTV News that AIDS was "a manmade disease … placed in Africa just like crack was placed in the black community to break up the Black Panther party" (www.contactmusic.com, July 3). That quote was laughed off and buried in the Live 8 coverage. Sadly, this time, a news media shocked stupid by the tragedy in New Orleans is nodding along to an absurd, possibly destructive idea that falls apart after two minutes of research on Google News.
(09/02/05 4:50am)
This week, in yet another demonstration of diplomatic acumen, Germany's government wasted no time in blaming Hurricane Katrina on U.S. refusal to ratify the Kyoto Treaty. \nIn Frankfurter Rundschau, a newspaper allied with the reigning Social Democratic Party-Green Party coalition, Environmental Minister Jürgen Tritten wrote: "The Bush government rejects international climate protection goals by insisting that imposing them would negatively impact the American economy. The American president is closing his eyes to the economic and human costs his land and the world economy are suffering under natural catastrophes like Katrina and because of neglected environmental policies" (Der Spiegel, Aug. 30).\nBut global warming didn't cause Katrina.\nDon't take my word for it. Instead, see what that notorious Bush-administration-mouthpiece, The New York Times, wrote Aug. 30:\n"Because hurricanes form over warm ocean water, it is easy to assume that the recent rise in their number and ferocity is because of global warming. But that is not the case, scientists say. Instead, the severity of hurricane seasons changes with cycles of temperatures of several decades in the Atlantic Ocean. The recent onslaught 'is very much natural,' said William M. Gray, a professor of atmospheric science at Colorado State University who issues forecasts for the hurricane season." \nNow this is not to suggest global warming isn't a real problem. Evidence shows Earth is getting warmer, and we humans will somehow have to deal with it. Nor is this to say Bush and his administration have governed responsibly on environmental issues. Speaking as a Republican, I have no idea why they take industry flacks at their word. or why they seem irrationally compelled to destroy natural areas. Are ATV owners such a critical voting bloc that they had to be allowed to tear up the national parks?\nHowever, this underscores the growing gap between Kyoto \nsupporters and reality. Despite good intentions, the treaty's negotiation produced a twisted disaster. While developed economies face damaging caps on carbon-dioxide emissions, their rapidly developing competitors -- such as China and India -- do not, despite vast populations and reliance on more highly polluting technology. Pollution credits -- licenses to exceed the cap purchased by developed countries from developing countries -- would be administered by an international bureaucracy which, as U.N. observers know well, could never be subject to corruption or abuse (wink, wink). And the payoff? A whopping 5.2 percent reduction of greenhouse gases below 1990 levels by 2008, according to Wikipedia.\nBut unfortunately Kyoto is no longer a treaty. It has become a totem, to be held high when forced to justify anti-American scapegoating. As people the world over suffer double-digit unemployment, stagnant economic growth, even underdevelopment, brought about by their own governments' inability to avoid meddling in markets, they can at least revel in their hatred for the United States. And when forced to answer why, they just say: "Uh, you know -- 'cause of Iraq, the International Criminal Court. And, oh yeah, the Kyoto Treaty ..."
(08/26/05 4:08am)
Classes begin Monday. But do they have to? \nWould it kill the board of trustees or the Indiana Commission for Higher Education or Gov. Mitch Daniels if summer break were two weeks longer? The 2005-06 school year will likely be of profound and lasting importance. Rushing into it could bring about disastrous mistakes. Like the carpenters say: "measure twice, cut once." Have we really measured twice, or are we just tossing this year into the old academic band saw?\nI understand the eagerness of the powers-that-be to get things rolling. But in their haste, I fear they haven't considered the many important arguments for restraint:\n• Flip-flop integrity. Given temperatures hotter than 80 degrees, 78.6 percent of the student body will wear flip-flops to class Monday (Bureau of Fictional Statistics, 2003). Yet, as everyone knows, flip-flops are not rated for high-speed travel. With a top speed of 23 miles per hour (Wikipedia), a running human can easily exceed flip-flop structural limits, causing blow-outs -- with the potential for stubbed toes, twisted ankles, even the dreaded face-plant. Rather than having students injured while racing to class Monday, it would be better to travel gradually. Say, during the course of a week or two. \n• Protecting Indiana's identity. By deciding to adopt daylight-saving time, Indiana might have moved toward joining the 20th century (if not the 21st), but it lost a key element of its distinctiveness. Whichever time zone it joins, Indiana will simply be one among many states springing forward and falling back in sheep-like conformity. Hoosiers need new ways to assert their individuality. Some options, like driving on the left side of the road, speaking Danish or legalizing polygamy would be unique, but may have unfortunate side effects. However, starting University classes in October? Now, that would be different.\n• The threat of large, man-eating raccoons. Of course, I have no proof the residence halls are infested with huge, cow-sized raccoons feasting greedily on the flesh of unwary travelers. Then again, I have no proof they aren't infested. Better to keep things shut down until we can prove they don't exist.\n• Defrosting the faculty. It's a little known fact that upon completion of final grades, to avoid the expense of air conditioning, the University gathers all faculty members into hermetically-sealed, liquid nitrogen-filled tubes, and freezes them until fall. No, don't bother trying to confirm this. Thanks to memory implants, the faculty usually thinks it was just attending conferences. (C'mon. Could there be that many academic conferences?)\nBut now, with the school year approaching, we must ask ourselves: is the faculty fully thawed? I'm not talking about TV dinners -- it would not do to have brittle faculty dropping parts in mid-lecture. You know what they say: half-thawed faculty, half-baked theories.\nThus, I say to all those in charge: what's the big hurry?\nOh, right -- my paycheck.
(08/08/05 4:53am)
In one of The White Stripes' particularly creepy songs, "You've Got Her In Your Pocket," Jack White sings: "To keep you in my pocket / Where there's no way out now / Put it in a safe and lock it / 'cause it's home sweet home." White's narrator is so consumed with fear at the thought of losing the object of his affection that he's blind to the fact that he's smothering and manipulating her, destroying the very thing he wants most.\nThe titans of the music industry may want to take heed.\nAs digital recording and the Internet dramatically reduce the cost of distributing and reproducing music, record labels are facing a serious challenge: how to recoup the costs of making and marketing albums, much less turn a profit, if anyone can copy them for free? Thus, music producers have seen Napster, Grokster, peer-to-peer networks and CD pirates as fundamental threats to their survival, and deployed the full force of their legal departments to shut them down.\nHonestly, I have no problem with this -- and I think most fair-minded music fans agree with me. I can see the market logic: where's the incentive to produce new music, or inform people about it, if you can't make money at it? Musicians gotta eat, after all. And, while I have no particular love for Sony BMG, Warner Bros., Universal and so on -- I understand the labels' role in bringing otherwise unknown music to a worldwide audience.\nBut, as the industry seals its music in the technological and legal equivalents of Tupperware, it's quickly finding that leak-proof also means airtight. In their drive for complete control over the dissemination of music, the major labels are undermining their very ability to get the music from club, garage or basement to consumers' ears.\nSony BMG seems particularly talented at self-affliction. The latest controversy is that music from its cutting-edge copy-protected CDs cannot be transferred to iPods -- the world's most popular mp3 player, of which 20 million have been sold since 2001 (Reuters, Aug. 5; Guardian, Aug. 4). Yet more worrisome is Sony BMG's efforts to control the radio airwaves. July 25, the company was fined $10 million by the State of New York for bribing music directors and DJs to increase the airplay for selected songs -- a practice called "payola" (Rolling Stone, July 25). As each label engages in payola, it creates an incentive for others to follow suit -- ultimately harming both consumers and themselves by restricting the variety of music while bidding up the cost of bribes. This, at a time when radio stations are already unpopular due to excessive commercials, narrow playlists and widespread homogeneity (Rolling Stone, May 3). \nAnd while undermining old-fashioned radio, the majors are rattling sabers at its Internet heir-apparent, podcasting -- arguing, for example, that as downloads, podcasts require more restrictive contracts than the blanket licenses afforded radio stations (USA Today, Aug. 4).\nIn the end, then, the question becomes: where will consumers hear music that they end up wanting to buy? \nWell, there's always MTV. \n(Snicker)
(08/01/05 1:09am)
Last Thursday, the Provisional Irish Republican Army (IRA) formally renounced the use of violence, ordering its members "to assist the development of purely political and democratic programmes through exclusively peaceful means ... (and) not engage in any other activities whatsoever" (BBC, July 28).\nCould this be the dawn of peace in Northern Ireland? Could this mean that after more than 30 years and 3,600 deaths, an intractable conflict has proven ... well ... tractable?\nIn the study of world events, pessimism tends loom large. My favorite example is the intellectual beating delivered to Francis Fukuyama's 1989 National Interest essay "The End of History?" Referring to philosopher G.W.F. Hegel's definition of history as the struggle between competing ideologies, Fukuyama argued that the Cold War's conclusion had brought history to an "end." The ideology of liberal democracy had triumphed over its 20th century competitors: communism, fascism, and hereditary rule. Dictatorships and command economies were to be replaced by free societies. \nIn international relations circles, this idea was met by great howls of derision. For about five years, seemingly every publication began with something akin to: "Well, Fukuyama might believe history has ended, but my research shows that..." The drubbing was so successful that by 2002, a chastened Fukuyama wrote Our Posthuman Future -- a book about how advances in biotechnology were threatening humanity and democracy.\nNot that I buy into Fukuyama's "End of History" thesis -- but its reception highlights that world-politics pessimists have it far easier than optimists. After all, if a pessimist turns out to be wrong, they can always say, "Well, thank God!" or better yet: "Clearly, they listened to my advice!" A mistaken optimist can only eat crow.\nSo, does the IRA's announcement mean the end of violence in Northern Ireland? There's still plenty of room for pessimism. Hard-liners could splinter off from the IRA, as the vicious "Real IRA" did in 1997. Some elements may turn to non-political crime. The Protestant yin to the the IRA's yang -- the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) -- is still led by the vile Rev. Ian Paisley, a rabidly anti-Catholic bigot. And, although it appears against their interests, there's still the possibility that the IRA is lying. Terrorist groups aren't known for their integrity.\nAnd yet, for all the pessimism, wondrous things do happen. Before 1989, how many guessed the Iron Curtain might collapse? Who, in 1945, would have thought that a peaceful Europe was in the cards? What mid-18th century observer was crazy enough to believe a rabble of farmers could fight off the world's strongest empire and establish representative democracy?\nSo, here's to optimism. Here's to the hope that the people of Northern Ireland are finally finding the peace that has eluded them for so long. And here's to wishing it lasts for at least for a little while.\nAfter all, I wrote this column three days ago.