Sheer 'Drudge'ry

There is probably no Web site better suited toward generating opinion column ideas than The Drudge Report (www.drudgereport.com). \nIt isn't because of the site's analysis or writing -- there's hardly any of either. Nor is it because the site deals with the important issues of the day -- if Paris Hilton's chihuahua farts in public, you can count on finding out how loud. \nNo, it's because of the extraordinary ability of Matt Drudge and his assistants to ferret out the most attention-grabbing, controversy-producing, water-cooler-chatting news stories of any given day. And, as such, these stories are ideal column fodder. \nSure, some writers manage thoughtful, deeply researched pieces without partisan rancor, bloodshed, celebrity liposuction or high school teachers seducing their students -- but who reads those? Why, if the editors had only let me title this column "FREE NUDE BEER SEX!" -- the number of eyes on this page would've doubled. It might even have won a Pulitzer. \nSo, instead, here's the next best thing -- four opinions for four articles on the Drudge Report main page as of Saturday:\n1. One report of fights and one report of an old lady getting knocked down as a result of post-Thanksgiving shopping madness in Florida (Local 6 News and The Sun-Sentinel of South Florida, both Friday). \nBlimey! Where were the authorities? Where was the National Guard? I want an independent commission! I want a report! One who blames the whole thing on Congress not giving me a free Xbox 360! On a related topic, anyone else get the impression that Florida is running out of things to do to stay in the "News of the Weird" column?\n2. British historian David Irving: arrested by Austrian authorities for denying that the Holocaust occurred (Reuters, Nov. 25). \nYup, no better way to prove Nazi sympathizers wrong than to jail them for publicly expressing unpopular views. Funny, I always pictured the Austrians as more laid-back -- what with all the kangaroos, boomerang-throwing and shrimp-on-the-barbie.\n3. Cloning expert Hwang Woo-suk quits all his official positions after revealing that two of his researchers donated their eggs for the project's research (Financial Times, Thursday). \nQuite right -- we don't want to risk accidentally cloning a batch of brilliant geneticists. They should have gotten those eggs from social science's favorite test subject: college sophomores. I don't care what they clone, as long as it gets totally crazy over spring break.\n4. Meet the freegans: middle-class Americans who dig food out of the trash (London Times, Saturday).\nJeez, some folks will do anything to avoid eating in the residence halls. I know they're making a statement about how Americans waste food -- but, since 21st century famines are caused by Third-World governments deliberately starving their opponents (rather than lack of food), perhaps we should worry less about those who waste food and more about those who waste people.\nYes, yes, I know these opinions are shallow, trifling things. But, given the original stories, nothing else would do.