Attention, Herbert!

Two years ago, in this very paper, I announced my willingness to serve as chancellor of IU-Bloomington (Indiana Daily Student, Nov. 11, 2003). I still haven't heard back, and given that I'm not invited to Tuesday's special closed-door "general meeting of the Bloomington faculty," I'm probably not being seriously considered for the post. I suspect this is because of the search process places an unhealthy emphasis on "qualifications" and "competence" and "a lack of outstanding warrants for arrest" -- a discriminatory approach that has surely barred many interesting candidates from consideration.\nThus, I am writing again to let it be known that not only am I willing to take up the duties of IUB chancellor, I am also willing to present what I, as chancellor, would bring to the table.\nFirst of all, in the past two years, I have learned what exactly a chancellor does. The chancellor is the chief executive officer of IUB.\nWhat does that mean, you ask? Um, well ... Clearly the chief executive officer is the chief officer in charge of executing things -- like deserters and horse thieves. As such, it is a post of great responsibility. Were I to fill this role, no such villains would escape my watchful eye. Or my other one either.\nHowever, more importantly, what I lack in "experience" or "good judgment," I make up for in ideas. \nFor instance, I have a plan to help the University raise funds without increasing general tuition. It's simple. We all know a significant portion of the student body isn't interested in exams, or classes or any of that "learning" stuff. So, for those willing to pay an extra $20,000, $30,000, even $50,000 in tuition, we would award a bachelor's degree in general attendance. In exchange for the higher price, the students get to hang out here for four years without taking any icky courses -- and, at the end, they get the college degree their parents wanted (with a 2.0 grade point average). We can then apply the money to scholarships for poorer, smarter students.\nFurthermore, I would implement the policies the IU Student Association has failed to implement. For example, the IUSA wanted to establish a pub at the Indiana Memorial Union so undergraduates could see professors and grad students drinking responsibly. Problem is, no professor or grad student in his/her right mind would choose to drink at the IMU. As chancellor, I couldn't force anyone to be anywhere but through meddling with department affairs, scaring off worthy faculty candidates and driving down IUB's academic standings, I'll drive instructors to drink.\nIn addition, I promise intelligent design will not invade this campus. In fact, nothing will be designed intelligently -- buildings, academic programs, marching band uniforms, etc. I'll take Bloomington's street system for inspiration.\nFinally, I promise all our sports teams will be winners. How? We won't count the games they lose. Imagine the savings for the athletics department budget!\nYes, I have seen the future of the chancellorship -- and it be I!