Totally wired

Attention Associated Press newswire: So, I heard you're trying to be hip?\nYeah, The New York Times leaked the word: "The 157-year-old news agency is to start its 'younger audience service,' offering articles and 'experiences' in multimedia formats with audio, video, blogs and wireless text aimed at reaching those readers." And this program, which begins today, is called "ASAP" because 18- to 34-year-old readers will think it's, like, fast, right?\nI appreciate your attempt to connect with the "younger generation" and everything. And who doesn't prefer multimedia stuff to fusty old articles? At the very least, video podcasts ("vodcasts") should reveal whether the AP stringers in, say, Kyrgyzstan actually leave the hotel, or whether they just make stuff up over a breakfast of vodka and corn chips.\nBut now that the word's out, you have inadvertently violated hipness rule No. 1: Never let people know you're trying to be hip. Deeply uncool. Next, you'll be hanging out in Starbucks and telling us about the Indie band you just discovered called "Death Cab of Cuteness."\nBut, hey, I'm here to help. Not because I'm hip -- I'm a total geek. The things I like just happen to be hip. (See how that works? Rule No. 2 of being hip: Once hip, never admit it.)\nLet's start with your strengths. As a wire service, you're well placed to take advantage of hipster rule No. 3: It's all about information. At one time, the key was knowing the local "scene." But today, the Internet (or "teh Internets" if you're really cool) has produced a transnational network of hipness. However, tapping into it will require a shift in emphasis. Forget about press conferences and investigative reporting -- focus on avant-garde music, underground popular culture and the weirdest blogs you can find. For example: "Federal Reserve raising interest rate 0.25 percent" = Bad. "Check out this Web site dedicated to banana stickers" = Good.\nPolitics is hip now, but remember that passion trumps substance. Detailed analyses of proposals to change federal income tax rates = Bad. Photoshops of George W. Bush as a chimp or any other member of the anthropoid ape family = Good. Check out Reuters' now-famous Bush "potty note" -- that's fine work.\nNext, spice up your writing with obscure pop culture references and f-bombs whenever possible. "The U.N. Security Council failed to reach an agreement today" = Bad. "The Security Council meeting was as frigging lame as a Kajagoogoo reunion without Steve Askew" = Good.\nFinally, there's the question of fashion. The just-rolled-out-of-bed look is always chic, but it's a youngsters' game. At more than 100 years in service, the AP is better off with a classic, retro style. Stories delivered via the Web = Bad. Stories typed out on an early 20th century Underwood No. 5 typewriter = Good. Stories written on gas station paper towels and delivered by hairy Bohemians = Trying too hard.\nFollow these tips and you'll go far. Oh, and get a tattoo. I heard Agence France Presse thinks they're hot.