Games of chancellor

Blimey, the IUB chancellor search appears to be on the skids yet again. President Adam Herbert suspended the work of the search committee at last Saturday's board of trustees meeting; the professional head-hunting firm was dismissed a month ago; and no candidates appear as close as the three finalists rejected last Halloween (IDS, Jan. 11). Since my generous offers to fill the role continue to go unacknowledged (IDS, Nov. 14, 2005 and Nov. 11, 2003), perhaps I can help by proffering some creative alternatives to the troubled selection process.\n• Trial By Combat. Let's face it: IUB chancellor isn't an easy job. It'll take a candidate who can make and enforce tough decisions. And who better for the role than someone who has crushed Indiana higher education's most terrifying badasses in gladiatorial combat? The University's various schools and administrative divisions could determine their individual candidates through tournament-style contests, like the NCAA championships. Granted, this may give an unfair advantage to the more physical groups, such as the School of Health, Physical Education & Recreation or the athletic department -- but wouldn't that outcome be a boon for admissions? \n• Hold a Raffle. Simple: Anyone who wants to be chancellor can buy tickets, one of which is drawn randomly from a hat at an announced time (say, homecoming). To keep things above-board, we could use an outside-observer's hat (the governor's, for example) and have the drawing held by an external organization (such as the Indiana Secretary of State's office). The ticket money could go into any funds the University community deems worthy. Because we only want serious candidates, we should set a ticket price of at least $20 apiece. For greater objectivity, we could even mark out squares on the football field and hold a cow-drop. The governor could choose the cow.\n• Have Interim Chancellor Ken Gros-Louis cryogenically frozen. What's the point of being a top research university if you never take advantage of it? Folks seem to generally like having Gros-Louis as chancellor; the president seems to like having Gros-Louis as chancellor -- so why not keep him? Using liquid nitrogen, we could lower his body temperature until he reaches a state of suspended animation -- then thaw him out whenever something major needs to be decided. This has the added advantage of delaying the decision over his successor until sometime after universities have been replaced by knowledge downloaded straight into the cerebral cortex.\n• Replace the chancellor with the Bloomington Faculty Council. Do you think IUB needs bold, radical change? No, neither do I. So, how about we turn the decisions normally made by the chancellor over to the Bloomington Faculty Council -- and have those decisions made via a model of unanimous consensus-building? Besides giving everyone a say, this has the advantage of delaying all decisions until universities are replaced by direct-to-brain downloads.\nSee, this problem isn't insurmountable. These solutions came from calm, meditative deliberation and the consumption of hallucinogenic mushrooms -- er, I mean, herbal tea.