America's regulation fetish

Nothing kills the mood quite like government oversight, or so our sex-regulators hope.
Why anyone would want to make any law restricting free and consensual sexual activity is beyond me. Unfortunately, my misgivings don’t prevent these laws from being on the books.
In the name of liberte, egalite and orgasme, the following are four types of regulations no red-blooded American should ever have to follow.

Restrictions on condom sales

There is a rumor that Washington state requires stores have a specific license to sell condoms on many “crazy law” websites, but the Washington state government website has proven mum on the issue.
For the sake of Washingtonians, I hope this rumor isn’t true. It’s hard enough to get people to use condoms without making them more difficult to distribute. Condoms and dental dams should be available everywhere, all the time and for everyone.
Remember: All the best presents come wrapped.

Anti-sodomy laws

Much to Antonin Scalia’s chagrin, anti-sodomy laws have been unenforceable since Lawrence v. Texas was decided in 2003. But a decade ago it was totally cool to imprison “sodomites,” which has different definitions depending on the state. Usually it means gay dudes.
The anti-sodomy laws Indiana had on the books were quite the puzzle. Anal sex with both men and women was prohibited. So was fellatio. Cunnilingus, however, was fine, as long as the woman was older than 21. Maybe. Lawmakers used so many innuendos for different sexual acts that no one was really sure to what they were referring.
Hint: If you’re too embarrassed to use the word “cunnilingus,” maybe don’t write a law about cunnilingus.
This issue actually became relevant in 2013, when Ken Cuccinelli, who ran for governor in Virginia, proposed a blanket blow job ban. Surprise — he was not elected governor of Virginia.

Anti-masturbation laws

OK, so there aren’t any laws actually banning the act of self-stimulation, but if star of the bench, terror of our hearts Antonin “Killjoy” Scalia had his way, they might.
In his dissent of Lawrence v. Texas, Scalia compares masturbation to bestiality and incest, and he fears that the moral authority of the law is waning.
Scalia’s distaste for masturbation might explain his overall surliness. Like other forms of sexual stimulation, masturbation can relieve stress without the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

Restrictions on sex toy sales

Laws against sex toys are the closest thing the U.S. has to masturbation restrictions, though they spill into partner play as well.
Those states that would prevent us from stimulating our southerly regions with dildos, vibrators, fleshlights, butt plugs, etc., are primarily located in the South.
Georgia prohibits the purchase of sex toys without a doctor’s prescription. Alabama has outright outlawed any device made “primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Laws banning toys in Texas and Mississippi have been challenged in District Courts, although the Supreme Court has not heard any of these cases.
Without traditional sex toys, people having sex simply have to innovate.
Just think about all the foreign objects doctors extract from patients’ bums each year.

casefarr@indiana.edu