Season's greetings from Satan

I do love December at IU.

I don’t know if it’s the festive lights, general good cheer or the opportunity to watch freshmen break down weeping as they study for their impending finite math final, but something about the season puts me in an irrepressible good mood.

My point is, it’s unnatural for me to be this cheerful when there isn’t something visibly on fire.

However, something’s eating at me.

If there is indeed a war on Christmas, I can’t help but feel as if I’ve been caught in the crossfire.

For those of you lucky enough not to know what I’m talking about, the “War on Christmas” is the seasonal nonsense about Christianity being under assault, as evidenced in the fact that people are now wished “happy holidays” rather than “merry Christmas.”

It is unfortunate there are those closed-minded enough to believe that the best way to spread and represent their faith is by zealously attacking slogans meant to make the season feel more culturally inclusive.

The other day, I made the mistake of wishing someone a happy holiday at a local coffee shop. She looked at me like I was a mall Santa with an inappropriate erection and informed me, “It’s Christmas."

Says who?

There are a myriad of holidays during this season, from Hanukkah to Kwanza to Hogswatch, and I’ve never heard a celebrator of one of them insist theirs is the only correct holiday.

I realize the season has gone through some pretty laughable contortions in the name of political correctness. Rhode Island’s tinseled holiday tree last year was an absurd and unnecessary renaming of the iconic “Christmas tree,” but that’s not a call to war.
I’m happy with Christmas trees, Christmas pageants and Christmas carols, but freedom of religion is a two-way street.

In retrospect, saying so would have been more mature than telling her, “Satan and I wish you a happy X-mas.” Less satisfying, though.

Frankly, my holiday traditions are probably not that different from those of the average American. I offer animal sacrifice to the gods so they might return the sun. I watch “Die Hard,” objectively the best holiday movie ever made.

I shoot off aerosol cans outside, doing my part to usher in an era of global warming, as I believe a white Christmas is wholly overrated.

But with the fiscal cliff looming, geopolitical unrest and those horrible glassy eyed nutcrackers, do we really have no bigger concerns than that someone might be celebrating a different holiday?

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu