Insulting, maligning, disparaging, sullying. These are the words we use to classify our descriptions of certain other women. These tramps - er, women - are usually dating our friends' ex-boyfriends. It's like that scene from "Sex and the City" when Samantha, one of Carrie's best friends, announces that Natasha is a stupid name. Natasha is Carrie's ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Of course she has a stupid name. She has to. Do you understand?
My roommate came to me last night, eyes heavy with sadness. "It happened," she said quietly, and it had. Her ex-boyfriend from high school, for whom she still has strong feelings, just told her that he was about to release his new relationship to the public via Facebook.
"She's a freshman, AND her name is SUSAN!"
A din erupted in my kitchen. My other roommates and I launched into crisis mode: A freshman? SUSAN? That's a terrible name! And they're making it official on Facebook? Laaame! Who's named "Susan" anyway? Nobody under the age of 40! At least nobody cool or attractive under 40!
And it begins. We all hate Susan. We hate Susan out loud and unapologetically. Of course, we don't exactly know Susan, per se, and she might be perfectly nice, have an IQ above 45 and practice impeccable hygiene. But don't tell us that because around here when chicks are in girlfriend-crisis mode, a filthy dirty whore of an ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend is guilty until proven innocent ... and still guilty after that, too.
This is probably where we girls get a bad rep as catty, even bitchy. But we aren't. It's just how we troubleshoot. And when we're the ex-girlfriend with the ex-boyfriend with the new girlfriend, we like hearing that we're prettier, smarter, cooler, more fashionable, more socially aware, smell better, smile bigger, are more photogenic, have a better sense of humor ... get the idea? We're the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he's thrown it away on some floozy, and nobody loses but him. She'll probably give him STDs anyway, not that they'll ever have sex because that's a reality better left uncharted.
That's what girls need from each other, so that's what girls give each other. Contrary to popular belief, there are times when you find some amazing female friends, loyal friends who know girl code and who know that when he starts dating someone new, that girl is the worst person ... ever. These friends know that they have the responsibility to remind you that you are fabulous because the truth is, in this situation, you don't feel fabulous. You feel alone.
It all stings. You feel sick, and it's horrible. Everybody you see is in love, and everyone is holding hands or making out in the stairwell of Ballantine (What's up with that anyway?). So it might be a little juvenile, but a little bad-mouthing might just be what your homegirl needs. So, dear roommate, Susan IS a stupid name. It's in print now, so it must be true.
