E pluribus workout

I love to exercise. I probably lift weights about three times a week. During the academic year, I get up early for it nearly every day as part of my Army training. Because of this, I've never really seen the crowds at either the Student Recreational Sports Center or the Health, Physical Education and Recreation Building.\nHowever, with my current academic schedule, I've started lifting in the evenings. And I've begun to discover a lot of strange things about both facilities. I don't mean to disparage either of them, but there are a few things I'd love to point out.\nThe HPER is full of decrepit charm. It may be ground zero for teenage prostitution in Bloomington, and it may have swastikas on the walls, but I've found that it's a serious place to exercise. I only rarely see guys with perfectly spiked hair or wool Abercrombie caps flexing in the mirror. Maybe because, in the summertime, the HPER accurately simulates the climate of molten jungle hell.\nThere are, of course, people who give the impression that they live in nightmarish torture dungeons, only coming out once daily to stand, endlessly, on the cardio machines with glazed looks of despair. There are also crazy, pony-tailed Steven Seagal-types that smell like they live in houses made entirely of incense and/or weed. But hey, it's a different crowd, right?\nThe SRSC, however, is a whole different planet. The exercise area is larger and better planned-out, and it has central air conditioning -- which allows you to work out without your skin melting off. Its hours are great, and it has a wide variety of exercise machines for targeting any given muscle you want to augment.\nHowever, it seems that, despite all their options, 90 percent of the guys that go to the SRSC are there to focus specifically on their biceps. Now, biceps are important, and no one is doubting that your wicked-sweet tribal tattoo makes them look even bigger than they already are. But there needs to be a balance (and other people might want to use the machines, too).\nPlus, given that most all of the bicep-crazed patrons make Boa Constrictor-esque hissing noises with each repetition, it makes me wonder if they might be overexerting themselves. If you get hurt, the tribe, whose markings you wear so proudly, might no longer have use for you! You will be lonely and roid-raging forever.\nIn further defiance of logic are the female patrons who come to the SRSC wearing enough makeup to accurately portray sweaty hookers from 1980s New Jersey -- then spend the majority of their workout talking on cell phones while doing cardio-workouts. Predictably, their makeup drips down their faces, and they resemble wax sculptures that have caught on fire -- but it doesn't seem to stop them. Why do they do it? Like so many things, it's a mystery.\nComplaints aside, it's a testament to our school's diversity that we have such wildly different exercise environments. Not to mention the fact that we manage to all, pretty much, get along. It sometimes makes a rational person want to work out with a Bowflex at home, underground...in Antarctica. But, hey, to each his own. At the end of the day, we're all exercising. And you can't really complain about that.