We're just better

We all know IU is better than Purdue. It's almost implicit in all of our souls. Even Purdue students, deep down inside, want to be IU students. They'll deny it, but we all know the truth. In a recent Indiana Daily Student article, IU administrators, students and faculty gave a list of 10 reasons why IU is superior to that other place.\nI have my own list and it has a unique perspective. You see, I am a self-proclaimed expert on this issue. I spent the first 19 years of my life living in Lafayette about five minutes from Purdue's campus. Because of opportunities presented to me by my older brother, who attends PU, I had the pleasure of discovering the college social life three years early. So, given these special circumstances, here is a list of the top five reasons that Purdue is the one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest when it comes to competition with IU: \n5. Drunk Food: I like to get hammered. Then I like to eat to absorb the alcohol. Purdue is home to the famous XXX restaurant, and I cannot lie, it is pretty tasty. But at IU, I can drunk dial the pizza guy and 10 minutes later, he BRINGS ME my glorious sustenance. Aver's pizza blows my mind.\n4. Scenery: IU is home to many beautiful trees. The architecture is astounding ... but I don't care about that crap. Have you seen the women on campus lately?! They don't make them like that at Purdue, guys. WOO! The Baker Boys on "The Bob & Tom Show" said it best: "IU girls are brainy, they're so hip and sexy too. But if you like 'em corn fed, find yourself a co-ed up in the pastures at Purdue."\n3. Party Week: Purdue has Grand Prix weekend. It's fun, they drink a little, but it's mostly quiet. Only at IU can you drink non-stop for an entire week, whether you are of age or underage, and not get in one lick of trouble. Keggers occur every night of the week, and class is virtually the toilet paper on your mind's metaphorical shoe. Thanks, IUPD, for letting us enjoy the drunkenness and chaos of this week. Keep up the good work. I love Little 500!\n2. Education: IU turns out doctors and lawyers. Purdue turns out ... fifth- and sixth-year seniors. Enough said. \n1. Sex: I came of age sexually at Purdue University. And for that I thank it. However, the simple fact of the matter is that while the guys at Purdue like to brag about all the sex they've had, IU has an institute dedicated to researching the act of sex. That's IU -- always striving to make improvements in every aspect of its students' lives. I can also say this in my comparison: I've had sex there; I've had sex here. It's better here. \nIn reflection, I'm glad I had the opportunity in my life to learn how not to go about life in college. And for those Purdue students who express the opposite opinion -- it's OK, we know what you really want.