Mama won't approve of the Hoochie dance

I can now officially add "knows the Hoochie Mama" to my resume. If that can't get me a job in the journalism world, I just don't know what will.\nI learned the "Hoochie Mama" along with other various moves at hip-hop class Monday night in the SRSC (Senators Really Scare Children).\nNow, bear in mind that I'm using the word "learn" in the vaguest sense here. Basically, it means I was able to get through the dance steps without seriously injuring myself or the others around me.\nThe problem is that I have about at much rhythm as Gary Coleman has height. \nAnyway, I walked into the gym to discover that about 200 people were taking the same class. Good to know I'll be embarrassing myself in front of an audience. I'd hate to think my performance would be wasted.\nThe first move was called Run, Run, Run. You run, run, run one way, then run, run, run the other way, and there are way too many commas in that sentence. It wasn't the hardest thing to do and even a lead foot like me could catch on to that one.\nWe then moved on to moving our hips. The class went pretty much straight downhill for me after that. My hips don't understand rhythm.\nIt's like Cyrillic to them. I tried hula dancing once, and in response, Hawaii created a law requiring that I be mercilessly destroyed if I step one foot onto one of its islands. I think the "mercilessly" part is a little overdoing it, if you ask me.\nSo, I'm stumbling around struggling to get my body to follow the simple instructions my mind is sending it. \n"Right foot forward," the instructor yells. Inexplicably, my left foot goes forward instead. I have come to the terrible realization that my body does not know it's left side from it's right side. This is horribly disconcerting.\nBut I keep on moving praying that I don't collide with one of the people next to me. They were smart, though. As the class went on, I noticed that the distance between me and them kept slowly increasing. I can't blame them. I didn't even know where I was heading most the time.\nThen came the "Hoochie Mama." As part of this particular dance, the participants are supposed to thrust their hips forward in a way in which I'm sure my mother wouldn't approve of me doing surrounded by about 30 members of the opposite sex. That, and the potential embarrassment factor of this particular move for me, is too high to even be charted. \nI do the only thing I can think of and stand perfectly still while the others in the room perform a group act which I'm sure would have killed the Pope had he for some extremely odd reason been in the room at the time. Luckily, I'm not the only one doing an impression of a statue, so I don't feel too bad for not doing that move.\nMaybe next time.