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(02/07/08 5:00am)
Some of you may only know Willie Nelson as that guy who sings those songs you never heard. To others, he's the old-school pothead from "Half Baked." Willie Nelson's true legacy is as one of the greatest country singers ever. His music is perfect for saloons or movies such as "Smokey and the Bandit." He has a voice that just makes you believe what he's singing about, a weathered voice that couldn't lie. And no one can argue with those braids.\nPerhaps that's why it's so sad to listen to this album. It's not because the consummate balladeer is singing those songs he does so well but because this is just not a Willie Nelson album. Gone are the days of acoustic twang. Say hello to the country that Rascal Flatts built. \nOverproduced pop stylings dominate this album. Don't believe me? Just take one listen to Willie Nelson's "Gravedigger." That's right, Willie covered Dave Matthews. He could have picked a kick-ass song (like Johnny Cash did with Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt"), but he picked Dave Matthews instead. I am ashamed to say that I honestly believe Dave sang it better.\nThat's not to say there aren't some decent songs. "Over You Again" is definitely the Willie voice I recognize, and the duet with Kenny Chesney "Worry B Gone" has a kind of fun twang to it. A tune like "You Don't Think I'm Funny Anymore" will fit in any saloon. But the rest aren't standouts because you could hear the same kind of songs from Big and Rich, Toby Keith or Tim McGraw.\nKenny Chesney co-produced the album, which makes you wonder if even Willie recognizes that the current generation no longer knows him as a brilliant songwriter and singer. Is he afraid that without a horrible contemporary country singer to attach to the billing, no one will buy his music? \nSadly, this record would probably have been better off being all Willie, all stoned, all the time.
(10/25/07 4:00am)
While Christian teachings in large part focus on the intangible, Bob Keller, pastor at St. Paul's Catholic Center, describes the idea of Halloween ghosts as something altogether different from the spirits discussed in Catholic teaching. \nThe topic of ghosts wasn't one that was examined often during his theological studies, he said, and it is still one that in many aspects remains undecided in the seemingly all-encompassing Catholic Church. Even though spirits play a central role to that faith, he said a belief in ghosts is more central to religions where science plays a less central role. \n"It's not really our idea," Keller said. \nUnlike some other Christian denominations, Catholicism takes questions of science and philosophy more seriously, he said. \n"What are the phenomena they are trying to figure out?" Keller said. \nSimply, he described humans' belief in ghosts as part of their inability to explain naturally occurring events. \nAnd a colorful imagination never hurts. \nKeller said ghosts always come with stories: a murder, a tragic car accident, a stabbing. As a boy, Keller said his imagination could sometimes play tricks, causing him to question what he now sees as naturally occurring events.\n"I didn't need Harry Potter or something like that to create some creature," he said. \nLooking at cultures that tended to believe in ghosts, Keller said, there were often elaborate attempts conduct a "proper burial" in hopes of appeasing the dead. There's a sense of something unfinished or inexplicable, Keller said -- it's that question of religion versus natural science.
(08/23/07 4:00am)
They were Hollywood's unlikeliest duo, nearly ten years ago. With the third Rush Hour installment, this buddy cop series has reached the 'Police Academy 7' point of stale. Chan and Tucker have clearly developed some onscreen chemistry by now, and they finally appear able to decipher each other's dialect without subtitles. \nThis being the third time around, writer Jeff Nathanson sees no need for a glorified meeting between our two heroes. We meet up with Officer Carter (Tucker) on traffic duty as he spontaneously calls Inspector Lee (Chan) to hang out with two women Carter had just handcuffed ("But you get the fat one."). Lee is indisposed, escorting the Chinese Ambassador Han to a meeting at the World Criminal Court. But the plot is really irrelevant; it's the partnership between Chan and Tucker. At this point, the duo is as famous as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Wayne and Garth, Beavis and Butthead, Jay and Silent Bob…\nAs a sacrifice for an intelligent script with an air tight plot twist, the movie is full of racial clowning, amusing one liners, and Chris Tucker's high pitched, womanly screams. Director Brett Ratner's ('Red Dragon,' 'X-Men: The Last Stand') fight scenes are fun as always with the legendary stunt master Jackie Chan at the helm, but like a video game, the excessive faceless bad guys with guns constantly come out of nowhere. For the third film in the 'Rush Hour' trilogy, you get what you pay for, which is nothing groundbreaking.
(07/26/07 4:00am)
Remember the good ol' days? when "the simpsons" aired two or three times a day? those times have long since passed, but that doesn't mean you can't still relive your childhood. Here are five dvds most worth your d'oh. \n Season 4: Best Episode Marge V. The Monorail \nAny episode that features the entire cast breaking into choreographed song automatically trumps the rest (think "Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?" from season five and "Spring in Springfield" from season eight). "Monorail" even begins in song with a little Flintstones parody, so we know it's good.\nAfter Mr. Burns pays the city $3 million for illegal toxic waste dumping, the town comes together to determine where to spend the money. Marge's campaign to fix the roads is interrupted by the fast-talking, Music Man-esque Lyle Lanley, voiced by the late Phil Hartman. Lanley easily convinces the town with a catchy tune, and the entire town is struck by Monorail fever -- including Homer, the conductor-to-be. \n Marge discovers that the monorail is a corrupt get-rich-fast plan and must act fast to save its passengers. One of the more memorable episodes from the early years (certainly one of my top five), "Monorail" is filled with funny one-liners and memorable moments. (Duh, it was written by Conan O'Brien.) \n Other notable episodes include "Mr. Plow," in which Homer buys a plow and temporarily rules Springfield, and "I Love Lisa," in which Lisa breaks Ralph Wiggum's heart on Krusty's anniversary special. DVD extras include commentary on every episode, deleted scenes and animation clips.\n Season 5: Best Episode Homer's Barbershop Quartet\nI picked this season in the same way Homer got picked to go into outer space in this season's masterpiece "Deep Space Homer." Two words: De. Fault. I let everyone else pick their favorite season and said I'd make a case for the leftovers. \nIt's a big season plot wise, as Marge shows her darker side, and Homer shows his Forrest Gump-like ability to be in the right place at the right time as he ends up in college, outer space and in love with Michelle Pfiffer. Marge grows a lot this season, as she goes on the lam and gets a new job -- a slot jockey. And Homer will never let her forget it, because "youuuu have a gambling problem." \nThe season starts beautifully with my favorite episode of the season, the heavily Beatles-influenced "Homer's Barbershop Quartet." The all-star band of Apu, Homer, Skinner and Barney beats Dexy's Midnight Runners for a Grammy, plays their last show on the roof top, a la the Beatles, and Homer has one simple question for George Harrison: "Where did you get that brownie?"-Zack Teibloom\nSeason 6:\nSeason six of "The Simpsons" was a ridiculously good year for the show. Of the 25 season episodes, I counted 13 to be shows I considered classics. Thirteen! And those were just my personal favorites. Maybe the entire season should be considered classic. Anyway, my list of notables includes: "Bart of Darkness," a spoof on the Hitchcock film "Rear Window," where the Simpsons get a pool and Bart breaks his leg. "Treehouse of Horror V", a classic "Treehouse of Horror" featuring a Shining spoof, Homer time-traveling, and the school cafeteria cooking students; \n"Homer: Bad Man" where Homer is accused of sexual harassment; "Bart's Comet" where Bart has a comet named after him that is heading toward Springfield; \n"Homer vs. Patty & Selma" where Homer has to turn to Patty & Selma for money; \n"A Star Is Burns" where Springfield holds a Film Festival and invites The Critic (voiced by Jon Lovitz); "Lisa's Wedding" where a fortune-teller looks into Lisa's future; and the cliffhanger season finale "Who Shot Mr. Burns?". \nGood storylines, clever writing and an abundance of fresh jokes make season six one of the best "Simpsons" seasons, if not the best. \nCommentary side note: Matt Groening shares how the Northridge earthquake affected the writing process for season six. -Joe Livarchik \n Season 7: Best Episode Lisa the Iconoclast\nEveryone is always asking, "What happens when you combine babies and firearms?" Simply watch the first episode of season seven, the dramatic conclusion of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" \nThis season has a lot of musical ties, guest-starring Paul and Linda McCartney, The Smashing Pumpkins, Cypress Hill, Sonic Youth, Peter Frampton; and the namesake for the favorite band of many a 16-year-old girl. Fallout Boy is the sidekick of the comic-book hero Radioactive Man, played by everyone's favorite blue-haired geek, Milhouse.\nRight behind the episode where Homer wears a dress, "Lisa the Iconoclast" is the most cromulent episode of the season for its take on our warped perceptions of history and the soothing voice of Donald Sutherland.\nSpringfield was founded when pioneers set out for New Sodom after misinterpreting the Bible with their leader, Jebediah Springfield.\nLisa discovers a secret confession of Jebediah admitting he was actually a murderous pirate, but the curator of the Springfield Historical Society (voiced by Sutherland) doesn't want her badmouthing the town hero. Homer also steals the position of town cryer from Flanders proclaiming that he suck-diddly-ucks.\nAnd if you don't like history, you can watch the episode where Troy McClure (allegedly) has sex with fish.-Joanna Borns\n Season 9: Best Episode "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson"\nSeason nine premiered 10 years ago and, episode for episode, is the last great Simpson's complete season.\nBoth the show's writers and animators are at their best in "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson." Homer had a bad experience in NYC before (he was robbed, had trash dumped on him, and chased by a pimp) and is similarly beleaguered in this outing. \nLandmarks and buildings are drawn with such excruciating detail and the streets are alive with so many extras you forget New York is the setting of the episode, not a character. In one tragic sequence, the World Trade Center is the setting for a couple of seemingly good humored jokes. In the episodes commentary track (Groening is noticeably absent) the writers offer an apology and lament the episode getting pulled from sydication. \nOther season highlights include Homer buying a gun in "Cartridge Family" and a Simponized telling of Lord of the Flies in "Das Bus." Matt Groening said the season finale "Natural Born Kissers" is one of his top ten favorite episodes. \nHey, Marge and Homer shaggin' in a putt-putt course windmill and running home butt-nekkid cracks my top 10, too.--Brian Hettmansperger
(07/12/07 4:00am)
Attention deficit disorder victims unite! "The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of All Time" will heal your wounds and suck your soul dry to the bone. These 24 shorts were meant to be on a television station hosted by Radiohead but ended up as four episodes from thousands of submissions to their website. \nWhat you have here is obtuse, frantically jarring images set to the music of Radiohead. \nThe videos are stunning, and they fly by, so there's plenty of variety. It's hard to describe, you have to see it to experience it. It's the closest thing to hallucinogenic drugs I've come across in a long time.
(04/25/07 4:00am)
This is the last one. After six semesters of writing about squirrels and Britney Spears and working in the word “hottie” as often as possible, I’m graduating.\nI don’t agree with goodbye-themed columns in principle, but here we are. I feel I owe some closure to the three people who actually read this – Mom, Dad and Shakira. OK, I’ll be honest. My mom and dad stopped reading my column long ago after the novelty wore off. Gracias, Shakira. Ésto es para tí.\nAs I prepare to leave the undergraduate ‘hood, I have so many questions about life after college. Will it still be socially acceptable to use a plastic storage bin as a punch bowl? Will my peers still recreationally destroy furniture and other various household items? Will a man dressed as some sort of super hero still throw free condoms and Tootsie Rolls at me from a moving van as I walk down the street?\nI guess this is where I’m supposed to list off my favorite college experiences. Using staplers, buying textbooks, waiting for the bus, checking out hotties – these are the memories I can share with my grandkids. When seniors start reminiscing, they usually dwell on the happy and rosy memories. Let’s mix it up, shall we?\nMy first real IU experience – freshman orientation – was terocious. (“Terocious” is a combination of terrible and atrocious. Borrow it if you like.) After a pitiful seminar where orientation staffers tried to use the word “diversity” as often as humanly possible as if it would somehow make us forget that we were sitting in a sea of homogonous white kids, I decided to skip out on the rest of the day’s sessions and take a nap in my allotted dorm room. As soon as I snuck away from the pack I got lost on campus. For an hour.\nIn my evening leisure time I wandered around Wright Quad and was accosted by an orientation leader who gave me a bag of free Pizza Express breadsticks.\nFree food is the ultimate way to win new friends, right? Wrong. I went back to the dorm, excited about the inevitable popularity breadsticks would bring.\nAs soon as I shouted down the hallway, “Who wants free breadsticks?” everyone started shutting their doors in my face.\nIf any of you door-shutting, free-food elitists are reading this right now, I hope you have to pay for every breadstick you get for the rest of your life. \nBut don’t pity me. In my four years of undergraduate studies I’ve made many wonderful friends (more than 250, according to Facebook) who have assured me that they would gladly take a breadstick from me any day of the week.\nFor three years I’ve thought about what I would say here in this last column.\nNever forget the lessons of college. Like don’t try to make friends with breadsticks. It doesn’t work, even if you’re a hottie. Please recycle. Insert love-related Beatles lyric here.
(04/18/07 4:00am)
Pssst. You look like someone I can trust. Something about your gentle eyes and warm smile makes me think you can keep a secret. So I’m going to tell you about my super-secret crush. But first you have to promise not to tell anyone. You promise? OK. Forgive me if I start blushing.\nMy covert amore started out as an infatuation but has reached a crush of atomic proportions. I have to keep it on the down low because crushes can be dangerous and I think people are starting to catch on to my secret affections à la Bonnie Raitt’s “Something to Talk About.”\nThe International Crush Agency said I failed to comply with the crush Non-Proliferation Treaty by keeping my love a secret. The United Nations Crush Council demanded that I put a stop to my wild, school-girl fancies.\nBut let’s be real. It’s tough to have a crush. Telling someone to stop a crush would be like demanding a 13-year-old to take down that Justin Timberlake poster or telling a country to give up its nuclear technology program.\nMaybe a crush is as innocent as an industrial age of nuclear power. Or maybe the heart doodles all over my notebook could turn into something more dangerous like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.” No doubt, a girl with a crush can be as hazardous as a nuclear reactor. I just want to see if this flame could develop into something more, but what if there are dire consequences?\nI know, I know. You want me to stop crushing before I’m picking out bride’s maid gowns, booking a Hall & Oats cover band for the reception and ordering weapons-grade uranium center pieces. What could be so great about this crush anyway?\nI guess I was first attracted to the sense of mystery. No one can really get into this hottie’s head, not even atomic energy inspectors.\nDeep down, everyone has a carnal desire for a little danger. When the United States and other world powers accuse someone of secretly developing nuclear weapons, it’s kind of a turn-on. My crush denies any plans for weapons, but the uranium enrichment process can produce fuel for nuclear reactors or if taken to the next level, material for atomic bombs. Meow.\nI admit it. I’m crushing on Iran. Is it totally obvious?\nI don’t know why the good girls always want the bad boys.\nThe more sanctions the United Nations places on Iran for refusing to stop uranium enrichment, the more attracted I am. \nAssets are frozen. Want to get coffee sometime? Iranian arms exports are banned. Want to meet my parents?\nMaybe the rebellion is a turn-on when Iran rejects the sanctions or refuses to cooperate with nuclear watchdogs. Or maybe I’m just trying to make North Korea jealous.\nDear Iran,\nDo you like me? (Circle one.)\nYes.\nNo.\nMaybe.
(04/12/07 4:00am)
Cube … you've strayed so far from your roots. Where is the man of my youth who advocated for more riots in L.A. and dropped albums with titles like AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted? And who told him that he could act? That person should be taken out behind the woodshed. How does the idea of Ice Cube being subjected to cheesy Elmer Fudd-like antics draw so many people?\nThe movie starts us off where "Are We There Yet?" left off, but you needn't see the first. Ice Cube takes us through the basics in a monologue, setting up poorly staged antics in a too-small apartment, including the introduction of the two children as well as two more on the way. \nThe cramped quarters lead our hero to provide a real home for his burgeoning family, setting up poorer antics in a beautiful old home infested with every problem a home-owner could face. Crumbling foundation, dry rot, termites, vermin infestations, bats, blown electrical work, no insulation, failing windows and doors … the predictability and implausibility never end, and the laughs never start.\nSorry, but I don't see Cube as a New England countryside dweller who lets John C. McGinley's character swindle him out of $100,000 or so and forgiving him on the notion that the swindling helped build a family. \nThe old Cube should have killed the white devil on the spot. Anyone with a brainstem would have sued such a swindler back into the Jurassic Period, which, for all the budding paleontologists out there, was between 150 million and 200 million years ago.\nAside from that, moviegoers might also find plot holes big enough to drive trucks through, terrible special effects, obvious storylines and weak performances by more seasoned actors than Ice Cube.\nGiven my disillusionment, distaste and the movie's structural problems, you'd be right to expect an 'F' grade. But the aforementioned McGinley saves the film from the f-bomb. \nHis performance reminds of an early Will Ferrell: multifaceted, impervious to his preposterous nature and crazy enough to concoct a character that served as a power-walking alternate in the 1994 Goodwill Games in Russia. \nDon't know who McGinley is? I didn't either. (Enter IMDB.com) He plays Dr. Cox (the show's best character) on the ever-brilliant "Scrubs," or you might remember him as Bob Slidell in "Office Space." \nOther than that, the acting is putrid, as is the setup and plot. It turns out the pleasure really is all on that side of the table, Bob.
(04/11/07 4:00am)
You’re sitting alone in a dark room, softly humming Alanis Morissette tunes while your eye twitches every so often. You’re making little figurines out of Play-Doh to represent how your life should’ve turned out and smashing them with your fist.\nRejection is a feeling you’ve dealt with at some point in your life, whether your fourth-grade playground crush pushed you in the dirt, you weren’t accepted into Clown College or your immune system started attacking a recent organ transplant.\nBut what is rejection, really? I’ve never been a whiz at etymology. If you can reject something, can you “ject” it in the first place? What is ject? Apparently it’s the name of a funk band in south Florida. I went to its Myspace page. I wasn’t impressed.\nWhen I Googled “rejection,” one of the sponsored results that came up promised a way to “Get your ex back and stop rejection even if they don’t want you back!” That just sounds like a restraining order waiting to happen.\nRejection is the feeling that your special, unique, snowflake, one-of-a-kind self isn’t good enough. Not good enough to get the phone number of that hottie at the bar, not good enough for your dream job, not good enough to perform rhythmic gymnastics at your cousin’s wedding. Yes, it’s personal.\nBut why does rejection have to be a bad thing?\nInstead of paying $29.95 to learn the secret of stopping rejection (even if they don’t want you back), we should embrace rejection. Let’s call it “fun-jection.”\nIn the song “Ruby Tuesday,” the Rolling Stones say, “Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind.” But remember, rejection doesn’t take away your dreams. It only crushes them.\nCrushed dreams have an endless number of practical uses. They work as a great alternative to mulch in your landscaping. They make a delicious breading for frying catfish. And they work as a mild sedative when mixed into a hot cup of tea.\nAdd a cup of crushed dreams to your favorite brownie recipe. A decorative bowl filled with crushed dreams will add a pleasant bouquet of disappointment and lowered expectations to any room in your home.\nCat owners can even use their crushed dreams to save money on kitty litter.\nThere are many helpful maxims and sayings for dealing with rejection. You may find them in the “favorite quotes” section of your friends’ Facebook profiles. One of the most common reject-o-quotes is, “When a door closes, a window will open.”\nOpen windows are great for increasing air circulation in your home. If you have an open window, birds can fly inside and befriend you. Together you can sing songs and recreate scenes from various Disney movies. Think of all the fresh air and sunshine you’d be missing if you hadn’t been rejected.\nWhen you feel rejected, don’t cry and watch an A&E movie about the promise of hope. Enjoy the cool, refreshing breeze of a cold shoulder. Admire the polished shine of being rebuffed. You can finally go outside and play when you are dismissed.
(04/04/07 4:00am)
In college, a lot of learning happens outside the classroom. In fact, much of it happens at the local watering holes.\nAll you have to do is listen. And if you listen carefully inside, outside or even 50 feet away from any bar, you’re only going to hear one thing – the same songs you heard last weekend and the weekend before. But they have a lot to teach us.\nI learned everything I need to know from hit hip-hop, rhythm and blues, and 80s rock songs. \n1. How to be hot\nSome people say we live in a society where physical appearance dominates how human beings are valued. Well, those people are right. It’s important to be hot. But what makes someone hot and more importantly, why? Mims has a simple answer to this question with “This Is Why I’m Hot.” If you’re fly, you’re hot. If you’re not fly, you’re not hot. It’s that easy. Also, if you really want to be hot, selling a million copies saying nothing on a track is also helpful.\n 2. Spelling\nYou’ll never forget the first time Gwen Stefani taught you how to spell “bananas.” Fergie and Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas are taking the spelling lesson further with “Fergalicious.” I’m pretty sure “fergalicious” is a word they made up, but the song will drill the spelling of the words “tasty” and “delicious” into your brain forever. Except I think they add an unnecessary “E” to “tasty,” so ignore that. And while Fergie’s new single “Glamorous” sends me mixed messages about my socio-economic status, it did teach me how to spell “glamorous.”\n3. Dharmic religion\nI wanted to leave Justin Timberlake out of this, but that was impossible. He’s taught us so much about karma. What goes around, goes around, goes around and comes all the way back around. Next time a guy or gal cheats on you, just remember, he or she will probably get eaten by a shark or something.\nI got through that without making a “bringing sexy back” joke. You’re welcome.\n4. Organization\nMore than 1 million Americans suffer from “chronic hoarding and clutter,” according to Blueprint Magazine. Thankfully, Beyonce is always looking out for us. Everything you own in a box to the left.\n5. Faith\nI’m willing to bet big cash money that any college student who has been to a bar in Bloomington has at one point been surrounded by (or been one of) many drunks unabashedly singing, “Streetlights! Peopllllle!” We could probably found a new religion on Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” alone.\n6. Natural disaster preparation\nIt’s impossible to know exactly how you will react when disaster strikes. That’s what drills are for. You can thank 80s metal band Scorpions for their tribute to simulating nasty weather, “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”\n7. The secret to great skin\nThere are hundreds of skin-care products on the shelf at your local drugstore. It can be overwhelming. Def Leppard gave us an anthem to exfoliation, “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” I’m hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet, yeah.
(03/29/07 4:00am)
Music is the universal language that brings us all together. Virtually every social situation from birthday party to subpoena serving could benefit from a mix of sweet jams. Your hospitalized friend can experience the healing power of music through a "Get Well Soon Mix" with songs like "Knockin' on Heavin's Door" by Eric Clapton, "Live and Let Die" by Paul McCartney and Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust." We compiled five musical mixes for five life situations you're bound to encounter.
(03/29/07 4:00am)
Pam and Jim from "The Office" make pulling pranks on your co-workers look hilarious. We tried to pull some of our own in-office pranks, but there wasn't a lot of laughter. Pranking is hard.\nIf you want everyone to hate you, April Fools' Day is the holiday for you. One of our pranks ended in tears. It was two minutes of excitement followed by hours of guilt and regret eating away at the pits of our stomachs. Trust us, it hurt to exhale. We learned one important lesson on our quest for the perfect prank: Fake deaths are not as funny as you'd think.\nWe tried to pay tribute to the classic prank-call genre, but posing as a bereavement counselor and telling a co-worker that someone they know is dead … we don't recommend it.
(03/29/07 4:00am)
Mark Twain once said, "The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year." The number of possible April Fools' Day pranks is an endless permutation of creativity, malice and good-natured ribbing. Some pranks are slight inconveniences, like ordering a Whopper at McDonald's or placing a pea underneath a mattress to see if someone can feel it. And some pranks are just a bad idea, especially if they're illegal.\nIU Police Department Capt. Jerry Minger said that he couldn't remember a prank taken to the point where the police had to get involved, but that doesn't mean the law is any less lenient.\n"The laws are in place on April Fools' Day as much as any other time of the year," he said.\nSure, you've got the classics like changing the clocks, flushing the toilet during a shower and dipping a hand in hot water, but here are few more prank categories that we don't recommend trying.\nSwapping -- Some swaps are legendary, like the "Seinfeld" roommate switch idea that had George and Jerry burning the midnight oil, but try all of ours and look out. Your victim may soon become a balding guy calling his ex-girlfriend "sugar" as he knocks up the girl he took home last month. Yeah, the swap is dangerous. \nBirth control -- The logistics are tough, (those discs can be hard to change without getting noticed and "the pill" is pretty distinguishable) but switching a birth control patch with a nicotine patch will cure their cravings … well not the food cravings. NOT RECOMMENDED!\nCell phone numbers -- When you make a call these days, the only thing that shows up is the person's name, leading most people to not know even their closest friends and family's numbers. Exploit that by reprogramming a victim's phone so when they try to call their girlfriend, they end up calling the girl they had a sloppy breakup with two summers ago and take a trip to Awkward City. Change their favorite pizza place's entry to their parents' house. A 3 a.m. call to your parents asking why they're taking so long on your Big Ten with extra ranch will be fun to explain the next morning. \nNair/shampoo -- This one is pretty classic and self-explanatory. We can't recommend it. There's not a good cure for baldness yet.
(03/28/07 4:00am)
Last autumn I saw a young woman strolling along a shady path dotted with colorful leaves. She paused for a moment as if something on the sidewalk caught her eye. She bent down and picked up a crispy red leaf, one of nature’s own individual pieces of artwork. She gazed into the intricate patterns of the leaf’s veins, appreciating the natural beauty. She then placed the leaf in her bag and brought it with her so she could admire it later, perhaps press it in between the pages of a book or use it in arts and crafts.\nAfter I witnessed this scene of someone truly appreciating the little things in life, I had a sudden epiphany. The little things are such a waste of time. There are thousands, perhaps millions of leaves that coat the ground in the fall. How late to every appointment would we be if we stopped to appreciate Mother Nature’s handwork every time we saw it?\nAnd saving leaves in the pages of a book? What could possibly be the outcome of that activity? You find the most beautiful leaf in the world, stick it in your giant hardcover coffee-table book about penguins and then forget about it. When your grandchildren are going through your things after you’ve died and they briefly flip through the pages, they’ll think, “Grandma/Grandpa really liked penguins,” and “She/He must’ve had a lot of extra time to kill.”\n“Take time to appreciate the little things” is just one of those phrases people like to say, but can’t possibly mean. Little Things, I’m calling you out. You’re not so great and I don’t really feel like appreciating you.\nFirst, what constitutes a “little thing”? Is it a penny in the parking lot? The smell of clean laundry? My paycheck? I guess I appreciate that.\nA “little thing” could be anything. So you either have to appreciate everything, which is time consuming enough, or take extra time to scrutinize between little thing and ordinary sized thing.\nSecond, to what degree of appreciation should we grant to these little things? Do I need to build a shrine to ladybugs? Should I start a new religion based on odd-shaped clouds? Should I capture the laughter of children in a jar and sell it on eBay? Appreciation is just so vague.\nFinally, can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone appreciated the little things? Obviously, nothing would get done. At work, millions of people would listen carefully to the soothing clickity-clack sound of their keyboards. They would press warm faxes up against their faces. They would stare into their cups of coffee, mesmerized by the swirls of half-and-half, hypnotized by that round, paper cup feeling in their hands. Society would come to a halt while all its members were busy appreciating, crawling around inspecting the mathematical patterns in the waves of the carpeting.\nNext time you see roses, just keep right on walking.
(03/21/07 4:00am)
It’s miraculous how ordinary people find the will to leave their snuggly wuggly beds in the morning and go somewhere. Civilization abandons both the snuggly and the wuggly, driven by basic survival instincts.\nWe have no choice but to take on the ultimate challenge of waking up. And we have to do it without the aid of magic powers. Or do we?\nThis morning I fought a losing battle with the snooze alarms on two alarm clocks. As I struggled to find my shoes in a sleep-deprived, zombielike state, I could hear my roommate watching TV from the living room. She was watching the “special features” from “The Holiday” DVD she rented. \nI heard Jude Law’s British accent describe how working with Cameron Diaz was like having the sun on the set everyday. Really, Jude Law? The sun itself? It was possible for a single person to emit all the electromagnetic radiation of the center of our solar system in spite of having to get out of bed in the morning.\nFascinating. Maybe I could be like that, too. Today I would try.\nI muttered a gruff “bye” to my “The Holiday”-watching roomie and trudged off to class like I was off to work in a dark steel mill.\nIf I was going to spend the day giving off Cameron Diaz’s Ra-the-sun-god vibes, my normal Frosted Mini-Wheats weren’t going to cut it. There was only one place I could go: Starbucks.\nI thought I was doing the right thing by ordering a coffee. But then the barista said something startling. I was listening to my iPod (Jefferson Starship, of course) so I couldn’t hear her very well, but I’m pretty sure she said, “You look like you could use a bagel.”\nAt first I was alarmed by this news. Had I looked that way all morning? Maybe that’s why no one sat next to me on the bus – my bagel-starved expression startled them. Would nannies shield the eyes of children as I walked the streets ready to do anything for my next bagel?\nThen I had an epiphany that squelched my panic: Starbucks’ baristas aren’t like ordinary people. \nThey have powers. Just one glance at your facial expression and they know (they don’t speculate, they know) your needs, your hopes, your fears and your deepest desires for yeasted wheat dough.\nPerhaps you haven’t brushed up on your etymology lately, but “barista” is the Italian word for “psychic.” When you see that “Now hiring” sign at Starbucks, remember that they’re looking for the Miss Cleos of the world. \nAnd if you can talk to dead people, that’s an added bonus. Your deceased aunt Gertrude says you should try the new cinnamon dolce frappuccino. Cousin Ralph’s dying wish was for you to order an espresso brownie.\nLet’s just be thankful that baristas are using their powers for good and not evil, for the fate of the world lies in their hands. Plus they know how to make drinks and stuff.
(03/07/07 5:00am)
Fame is a nebulous concept these days. The Internet is always watching you, and reality TV has become a new food group. You could be famous and not even know it. Even if there are 20 videos of you lip-syncing to Fleetwood Mac on YouTube and you have 599 MySpace friends, there's a chance you might not be a celebrity. Look for the following warning signs of fame to be sure.\n1. People are combining your name with that of your significant other.\nBennifer, Branjelina, TomKat. Gossip columnists are busy people. They don't have time to write out two names. And as busy gossip consumers, we don't even have time to read two different names. Celebrity couples' names are like peanut butter and jelly, combine them at will. \n2. Your used Starbucks coozie was sold on eBay for $30,000.\nYou thought that guy was a bum when he went fishing around in the trash. Turns out he's buying a boat.\n3. Headlines suggest you are pregnant.\nThe "bump patrol" is never wrong.\n4. You starred in a movie opposite Hugh Grant.\nYou might not remember it, but it was probably a romantic comedy. It was almost as good as your Internet rendition of "You Make Loving Fun."\n5. Someone asked you to sign a baby.\nSometimes you just don't have paper or a glossy black and white headshot, and fans want your signature now. A little bundle of joy is the next best place for your John Hancock. If your autograph is in high demand, grab a Sharpie and a newborn.\n6. There's an entire Web site dedicated to pictures of you in sweatpants.\nWow, you've really been letting yourself go. Is that a cigarette and an entire summer sausage?\n7. You're a Scientologist.\nIf you're an ordinary, run-of-the-mill Scientologist giving out free "stress tests" in the subway and selling copies of L. Ron Hubbard's "Dianetics" for $8 "donations," you're probably in the clear. But if you're one of those rich, my-dynamics-were-good-in-a-past-life-so-let's-hop-on-the-spaceship Scientologists, it's more likely you're giving out "stress tests" on the red carpet.\n8. You named your child after an endangered species of mushroom.\nApple, Rumir, Denim, Moon Unit, Puma, Chastity, Suri, Maddox, CoCo -- these are the children picked last in kickball. It seems like a running gag, but it's a fact of life. For at least four decades, celebrities have been giving their children bizarre names.\n9. Us Weekly says that you're in rehab.\nA reliable anonymous source saw you check in.\n10. You're in rehab.\nWell, fancy habit-forming substances are easily accessible if you're famous.\n11. SuperStudd64 and AngelDivaXX are arguing on your message board.\nAt first they were quarreling about when you first sold out. Now they're just calling each other profane names.\n12. Your latest album didn't do as well as expected.\nEven though you had that track featuring MC Hammer, your latest single didn't come close to reaching the Billboard Hot 100.\n13. There's much speculation about your sexual orientation.\nEntertainment Weekly says that you're gay. Star Magazine says that you're straight. The National Enquirer says that you're giving birth to a monkey baby.\n14. Headlines suggest you had plastic surgery.\nWhat happened to your face? The before-and-after pics are shocking, bordering nightmarish.\nIf five or more of these warning signs apply to you, there's a good chance that you're famous. Don't freak out because the paparazzi are right behind you.
(03/07/07 5:00am)
During the week of Feb. 19 The Associated Press did the unthinkable. An internal memo was released banning any mention of Paris Hilton in any story for one week. They had a full-blown Paris Hilton news blackout.\nPerhaps the AP’s intentions were good. But if you’re going to play games, ignore Tony Blair for a week or Afghanistan. This little entertainment news experiment, nay, charade will mean grave consequences for us all.\nThe AP, perhaps unknowingly, made the first move in a dangerous game that will only lead to one thing – the end. No one knows why Paris Hilton is so newsworthy. But when you ignore a rich, flighty, blond socialite, you upset the delicate balance of the universe. If information on Paris’ sex video, misdemeanors and various partying, follies and canoodling is not disseminated at a regular rate we, as a civilization, will face the reckoning.\nSure, the AP returned to its regular regimen of reporting Paris news, but it may already be too late.\nRight now, all is quiet. Too quiet. It’s been weeks since Britney Spears shaved her head and all is calm on the celebrity front. When you walk past People, Us Weekly and In Touch at the grocery store, nothing too shocking sends your heart to your throat. You might even say it’s peaceful. But get your feet off the ottoman and drop that iced tea. It’s a false sense of peace! Just the way Revelations predicted.\nSoon we will enter a dreadful period of war. That’s right, you thought Paris and Nicole Richie were on good terms again. You thought wrong.\nAfter the horrors of the Hilton-Richie showdown, there will be a period of famine. Stock your bomb shelter with Ramen and Twinkies now, because soon, we’ll all be as thin as Paris herself, if not thinner.\nFinally, we will experience plagues and pestilences. Our cities will be inundated with tiny Chihuahuas. We will all come down with a horrible sickness causing us to compulsively shop and dress like prostitutes.\nHow do we correct the AP’s mistake? It may be too late. I’ll do the best I can with the space I have left to make up for the AP’s lack of coverage.\nCourtney Love claims Paris Hilton had drugs available at her last birthday party. Concerns have been raised as to whether or not Paris is a good enough role model to be a camp counselor for children in her next reality show. A Brazilian band named Cansei de Ser Sexy wrote a song called “Meeting Paris Hilton” as a tribute to the heiress. Paris Hilton was flirting with Vince Vaughn at the World Poker Tournament Invitational in California. After a visit in Chicago, Paris stopped at the Field Museum store at O’Hare Airport and spent $250 on stuffed animals including a flying squirrel and a monkey. The Associated Press lifted its ban on Paris Hilton news. Oh yeah, you knew that.
(02/28/07 5:00am)
The English language is like a can of SpaghettiOs, the kind with alphabet-shaped pasta. Picture a freshly opened can full of red goo and pasty pasta letters. But be careful not to cut your finger on the side of the can.\nForget this analogy. It’s too dangerous. Let’s start over. The English language is like a 26-member vaudeville act. The more popular letters like N and T and all the vowels put on the headlining show, forming colorful, acrobatic, musical words and phrases. But the most talented member of the act is stuck as the stage manager, bringing towels to the guy who rides the tiny bicycle. What is this underappreciated letter?\nIt comes last in the alphabet, but should be first in our hearts.\nThe letter Z deserves more action. You have to go through 25 boring letters of the alphabet to get to the sexiest one.\nI don’t know much about the English language. Who decided to put Z last? The Greeks? The Egyptians? The president? A colony of teeny-tiny alphabet gnomes? I don’t know.\nWhat I do know, is that the Z should no longer be oppressed. The term “catching some Zs,” as a euphemism for sleeping, never made much sense to me. But the image of catching the elusive Z, as if it were a butterfly lightly drifting away from your net, plays upon the Z’s natural grace. Just look at it. It’s a beautiful zigzag – three simple zagging lines.\nUp until zigzag, none of the words in this column were spelled with a Z. What a one-way ticket to Snoozeville. There we go, Z-friendly words like Snoozeville, zigzag and zig-zaggy should be used more often. But Snoozeville and zig-zaggy aren’t actually real words. Words have to be made up to get Z some play time in the word game. That doesn’t seem fair.\nSpeaking of unfair, look at how selfish X steals the spotlight from Z by using its signature zippy Z sound in words like xylophone and xenon.\nMore Zs would spice up the communication process. How do we get more Zs? Snoop Dogg made a commendable attempt circa 2002 with phrases like “fo shizzle.” Though comical, the insertion of Zs into the middle of words was an abuse of the Z. The overuse of this inserted Z speak turned Z into a fad that many wanted to abolish.\nTo get Z some respectable attention, we have to push another letter out of the way. S, I’m looking in your direction.\nI’m going to ignore the small camp of people who want to replace the letter S with the dollar sign and say we should replace S with Z. What is S anyway? It’s just a backwards wannabe Z that has clearly let itself go with those sagging, curvy lines.\nJust think about the “Sssssss” sound. It usually comes from a snake or a punctured tire. And those things are usually bad. \nJuzt ztart uzing the Z whenever you can. The letter Z is not just for zebras, Zorro and ZZ Top. It’s for all of us.
(02/28/07 5:00am)
IU-South Bend students Michael Duttlinger and Joe Spencer wanted to help other students sleep, so they started a nap club for their peers to rest between classes. The idea began as a joke until they realized that providing an opportunity for napping on campus could benefit students – and that the university would allow it.\n“Pretty much any club that fills out all the forms, has four officers and doesn’t break the rules can be approved,” Duttlinger, the club’s president, said.\nThe club was started to help prevent students from nodding off during classes by providing a safe napping environment between classes to promote the physiological benefits of sleep.\n“We have done a little research, nothing too in-depth, but enough to know how to back up our case against skeptics,” Duttlinger said.\nThe club has nine air mattresses purchased with the club’s allotted funding and a room on campus where students can come to nap from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Monday through Thursday. A moderator, usually Duttlinger or Spencer, wakes up students at the times they specify. There is no limit on nap length, but Spencer, the club’s vice president, said the average napper usually comes in to rest for 20 to 40 minutes.\nThe two students formed the club last November, but execution of the on-campus nap room began this semester. \n“I was a little nervous about whether anyone would show up,” Spencer said.\nThe club currently has more than 30 students on its e-mail list, and anyone who shows up can use the service as long as he or she stays quiet. \n“We were worried about what would happen if we got a loud snorer, but so far we haven’t had one,” Spencer said. \nOnly two or three students are usually napping at one time. Around 10 to 18 students cycle through the room during the course of a day. Spencer predicts that students will use the service more around midterm and final exams.\n“I’m sure it will continue,” Spencer said. “I think students want it enough.”\nWhen Duttlinger and Spencer asked sociology professor Daniel Olson to be the club’s faculty adviser, he asked if they were joking.\n“At first I was a little suspicious,” Olson said. “I thought, ‘Maybe they want to see how far I’ll go with this,’ but they were serious.”\nOlson decided the creation of the club was based on “practical concerns.” The IU-South Bend campus is comprised of commuter students. Before the creation of the nap club, students were stuck on campus during class breaks without dorms or lounges to take a nap, Olson said.\n“In Bloomington there are places on campus with couches,” Olson said. “You see students sacked out all over the union, but there’s no place to go here.”\nOlson said some of the national news coverage of the nap club implied that students were lazy for napping during the day. But he said students have reason to be tired because many work jobs in addition to taking classes and have to study late at night after finishing shifts at work.\n“When students would fall asleep in my class, I thought I must be really boring, but then I realized they are actually really tired,” Olson said.\nIU senior Anna Saraceno usually spends every Monday and Wednesday afternoon at the Indiana Memorial Union sleeping in between classes.\n“I think the union has enough couches,” Saraceno said. “Though sometimes when I try to find a full-length couch, they’re all taken.”\nSaraceno said it would be nice to have a service where a moderator watched her things and woke her up from her naps.\n“I don’t have an alarm clock to bring with me,” Saraceno said. “I usually have someone call me when I want to wake up.”
(02/21/07 5:00am)
Could you pass me the butter? I’m going to ride the A bus. Is there parking in back? I really want some chimichangas. These are buy one, get one free.\nThat’s what she said!\nThat’s the hot phrase the kids are saying these days. Say it in response to virtually any statement and you have an instant sexual innuendo.\nEven when it barely makes sense.\nWe need to buy some light bulbs. Don’t forget to feed the fish. I’m going to brew a cup of tea.\nThat’s what she said!\nIs that funny? I don’t even know anymore.\n“That’s what she said” is almost as tired as a Chuck Norris joke but not quite as overused as saying something along the lines of “Yeah, well, your face is a Chuck Norris joke.” (I apologize. I’m guilty of that tactic.)\nI wanted to know the history of the phrase “That’s what she said.” What inspired people to first say it? So I turned to Wikipedia for answers. (Hasn’t the Internet made higher education obsolete yet?) Tragically, there is no Wikipedia entry for “That’s what she said.” Needless to say, I requested that someone create the article. I want someone to do it now. (That’s what she said.)\nI think I first heard the phrase used about eight months ago. It was popularized by the TV shows “The Office” and “King of the Hill.” Last week on Feb. 15, according to Facebook, we celebrated International That’s What She Said Day. It had more than 150,000 confirmed guests.\nIt’s time to start critically analyzing our use of this phrase. Who is “she”? Are we all familiar with the same woman who finds herself so often in these sexually suggestive situations?\nThis phrase is only applied to innuendos concerning women in a heterosexual context. That’s the only time it seems to pop up. (That’s what she said.)\nNo one ever says “That’s what ‘he’ said.” A woman is being referred to in a sexual way every time you say “That’s what she said.” A woman is the sexual default.\nOur humor and our vernacular are often laced with casual misogyny. It’s so ingrained in our culture that we don’t even think about it. I doubt the majority of people who consciously use slang like “douche bag” and “sucks” intend to degrade women as sex objects. It would take decades for these popular phrases to fade away. Maybe when I’m 72 and I ask my grandchildren to pass me the prunes, they’ll say, “That’s what she said!” \nA little TWSS isn’t an immediate menace to society, but all these little jokes can add up to women not receiving the respect they deserve. At least think about what you’re saying and ask yourself why it’s funny.\nA nongender specific “That’s what your sexual partner said” doesn’t seem to pack the same punch. If you hear people setting themselves up for a good TWSS, it’s hard not to follow through. Your ear is trained to hear it by now. I will admit that it’s still fitting on special occasions if timed just right.\nThat’s what he said.