Paris end game

During the week of Feb. 19 The Associated Press did the unthinkable. An internal memo was released banning any mention of Paris Hilton in any story for one week. They had a full-blown Paris Hilton news blackout.\nPerhaps the AP’s intentions were good. But if you’re going to play games, ignore Tony Blair for a week or Afghanistan. This little entertainment news experiment, nay, charade will mean grave consequences for us all.\nThe AP, perhaps unknowingly, made the first move in a dangerous game that will only lead to one thing – the end. No one knows why Paris Hilton is so newsworthy. But when you ignore a rich, flighty, blond socialite, you upset the delicate balance of the universe. If information on Paris’ sex video, misdemeanors and various partying, follies and canoodling is not disseminated at a regular rate we, as a civilization, will face the reckoning.\nSure, the AP returned to its regular regimen of reporting Paris news, but it may already be too late.\nRight now, all is quiet. Too quiet. It’s been weeks since Britney Spears shaved her head and all is calm on the celebrity front. When you walk past People, Us Weekly and In Touch at the grocery store, nothing too shocking sends your heart to your throat. You might even say it’s peaceful. But get your feet off the ottoman and drop that iced tea. It’s a false sense of peace! Just the way Revelations predicted.\nSoon we will enter a dreadful period of war. That’s right, you thought Paris and Nicole Richie were on good terms again. You thought wrong.\nAfter the horrors of the Hilton-Richie showdown, there will be a period of famine. Stock your bomb shelter with Ramen and Twinkies now, because soon, we’ll all be as thin as Paris herself, if not thinner.\nFinally, we will experience plagues and pestilences. Our cities will be inundated with tiny Chihuahuas. We will all come down with a horrible sickness causing us to compulsively shop and dress like prostitutes.\nHow do we correct the AP’s mistake? It may be too late. I’ll do the best I can with the space I have left to make up for the AP’s lack of coverage.\nCourtney Love claims Paris Hilton had drugs available at her last birthday party. Concerns have been raised as to whether or not Paris is a good enough role model to be a camp counselor for children in her next reality show. A Brazilian band named Cansei de Ser Sexy wrote a song called “Meeting Paris Hilton” as a tribute to the heiress. Paris Hilton was flirting with Vince Vaughn at the World Poker Tournament Invitational in California. After a visit in Chicago, Paris stopped at the Field Museum store at O’Hare Airport and spent $250 on stuffed animals including a flying squirrel and a monkey. The Associated Press lifted its ban on Paris Hilton news. Oh yeah, you knew that.