Psychic baristas

It’s miraculous how ordinary people find the will to leave their snuggly wuggly beds in the morning and go somewhere. Civilization abandons both the snuggly and the wuggly, driven by basic survival instincts.\nWe have no choice but to take on the ultimate challenge of waking up. And we have to do it without the aid of magic powers. Or do we?\nThis morning I fought a losing battle with the snooze alarms on two alarm clocks. As I struggled to find my shoes in a sleep-deprived, zombielike state, I could hear my roommate watching TV from the living room. She was watching the “special features” from “The Holiday” DVD she rented. \nI heard Jude Law’s British accent describe how working with Cameron Diaz was like having the sun on the set everyday. Really, Jude Law? The sun itself? It was possible for a single person to emit all the electromagnetic radiation of the center of our solar system in spite of having to get out of bed in the morning.\nFascinating. Maybe I could be like that, too. Today I would try.\nI muttered a gruff “bye” to my “The Holiday”-watching roomie and trudged off to class like I was off to work in a dark steel mill.\nIf I was going to spend the day giving off Cameron Diaz’s Ra-the-sun-god vibes, my normal Frosted Mini-Wheats weren’t going to cut it. There was only one place I could go: Starbucks.\nI thought I was doing the right thing by ordering a coffee. But then the barista said something startling. I was listening to my iPod (Jefferson Starship, of course) so I couldn’t hear her very well, but I’m pretty sure she said, “You look like you could use a bagel.”\nAt first I was alarmed by this news. Had I looked that way all morning? Maybe that’s why no one sat next to me on the bus – my bagel-starved expression startled them. Would nannies shield the eyes of children as I walked the streets ready to do anything for my next bagel?\nThen I had an epiphany that squelched my panic: Starbucks’ baristas aren’t like ordinary people. \nThey have powers. Just one glance at your facial expression and they know (they don’t speculate, they know) your needs, your hopes, your fears and your deepest desires for yeasted wheat dough.\nPerhaps you haven’t brushed up on your etymology lately, but “barista” is the Italian word for “psychic.” When you see that “Now hiring” sign at Starbucks, remember that they’re looking for the Miss Cleos of the world. \nAnd if you can talk to dead people, that’s an added bonus. Your deceased aunt Gertrude says you should try the new cinnamon dolce frappuccino. Cousin Ralph’s dying wish was for you to order an espresso brownie.\nLet’s just be thankful that baristas are using their powers for good and not evil, for the fate of the world lies in their hands. Plus they know how to make drinks and stuff.