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(02/23/07 5:00am)
The law of large numbers is simultaneously the most fortuitous phenomenon of statistical probability and the most threatening. Without the statistical inevitability inherent in a two-party system the Democrats may have never taken control of Congress; similarly, had Thomas Edison not tried, and tried again, he may never have discovered the brightest burning filament.\nIranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad truly embodies this sort of can-do attitude, the 50-year-old political leader of the Islamic Republic is about 0-for-8,205 when it comes to brilliant ideas. But like the “Little Engine That Could,” the certifiably psychotic despot has finally stumbled upon a preposterously radical position that everyone can support. According to The Associated Press reports, quoting a speech by Ahmadinejad, the Iranian government is willing to halt its uranium enrichment program on one condition: Western nations end their uranium enrichment programs first. “Justice demands that those who want to hold talks with us shutdown their nuclear fuel cycle program too,” the Iranian president said, “then, we can hold dialogue under a fair atmosphere.”\nClever, don’t you think?\nThe new, probably meretricious, position came on the eve of a U.N.-mandated deadline to pause its nuclear program. The deadline was a part of Resolution 1737, ratified late last year by the Security Council, which imposed strict sanctions on Iran’s nuclear and missile programs; failure to heed the Feb. 21 deadline would result in even harsher sanctions. Well, in classic psychotic-despot style, Ahmadinejad ignored that Wednesday ever happened and let the offer expire, just as I did for this column. \nThe ball is back in West, so to speak, and it’s up to the U.N., the European Union, and the U.S. to negotiate the next level of economic sanctions. Unfortunately, strict economic sanctions can have unintended consequences. As often as not, innocent civilians lose access to food, water, oil and medicine because the government hoards what few resources are available. \nReaffirming conventional Cold War wisdom, the White House, not surprisingly, rejected Iran’s proposal. At the height of the arms race with the Soviet Union, the guiding principle behind America’s nuclear policy was “mutually assured destruction,” or “annihilation” if you dig the alliteration. Each superpower understood that the use of just one nuclear weapon would be met by the full nuclear arsenal of the other country. Today, however, the rules have changed. Mutual destruction is no longer even close to assured given the possibility that an untraceable subnational terrorist organization may acquire an atomic bomb, if one hasn’t already.\nThe U.S. nuclear arsenal no longer serves the purpose it once did. Unless the U.S. is going to single-handedly fight off invaders from outer space, there’s no reason to stockpile nearly 20,000 nuclear weapons. Besides, it’d only take a couple dozen to plunge the entire planet into everlasting darkness. \nMaybe it’s time to listen to the certifiably insane. The fact that it can’t go any worse than current U.S. foreign policy ought to be solace to you skeptics.
(02/15/07 11:57pm)
Keep your arms inside the bus. Never touch a hot stove. Always peek over the fence before jumping over. The Socratic method be damned, it's the instinct for self-preservation that teaches children, adults and whole communities not to repeat the same mistakes twice. Unfortunately, some people learn too slowly and some people never learn at all. Cue the "nanny state." \nA nanny state can be thought of in two ways: progressive regulations that improve the larger community and promote the greater good. Citing research that talking on the phone while driving impairs reaction time at least as much as alcohol, 28 states have enacted legislation restricting the use of cell phones while driving. Most laws labeled a product of the nanny state are, however, an attempt by elected officials to legislate an individual's lifestyle by controlling his or her habits, pastimes and customs. State senator Carl Krueger wants to fine New Yorkers $100 for crossing the street while using an iPod or other electronic devices including video players and cell phones, according to an article in the New York Times. \nTwo weeks ago IU Nanny in Chief Adam Herbert announced a plan to purge the entire University system of filthy, stinking cigarette smokers by October 2008. "This is about the health and well-being of students, faculty and staff at Indiana University," Herbert told trustees in February.\nThat's not at all what the ban is about. We smokers are well aware of the risks associated with smoking: heart disease, cancer, emphysema and even blindness. But that's my problem, not IU's. The state of Indiana is proposing to increase taxes to pay for the public health costs, and that's fine. But the University doesn't treat squat. Not the chronic cough or yellow nails -- it doesn't even provide nicotine gum. \nWe know the damage that cigarettes do, we're all D.A.R.E. graduates. It's just that the severity of the damage doesn't outweigh the pleasure: stress relief, oral fixation, communal interaction, whatever. Stupid, perhaps, and contrary to the instinct for self-preservation, but in COAS we call that "critical reasoning." In Kelly it's known as "opportunity cost," sacrificing one's final bedridden days for a little extra life up front. If the University isn't willing to let us grow from our own mistakes, then it should live up to its academic and institutional commitment to let us weigh our own options. \nThe ban is about exploiting a position of authority to eliminate a perceived inconvenience. The problem with the 30-foot rule -- more than enough distance to dissipate the smoke -- is that there's no one to enforce it anyway. Experience says the new plan won't work either, so let's compromise, Mr. Herbert. We're both students of the liberal arts and members of the "IU family" (according to the biography on the president's Web site). Let's work this out together -- maybe designated smoking zones.\nSmokers are already banned from lighting up indoors, we stand in the cold and rain in order to accommodate you nonsmokers, and in return you steal our ashtrays. Maybe you'd rather feast on my firstborn son instead.
(02/08/07 11:40pm)
Not only did America re-engineer modern democracy, we tamed the wild, wild West and harnessed the power of the atom. Although, I guess when you get right down to it, our modern democracy was built on the backs of African slaves. Oh, and then there were those natives exploited and massacred for land rights. You know what, let's just move on and forget about the repercussions of nuclear power for now.\nStill, Manifest Destiny is in our blood. Our right to exist is begot of God's will! Even if the North American continent was discovered by a lunatic with a dream, to claim that America is "just" the bastard child of Spanish exploration, British imperialism and hundreds of emigrating nationalities is both unpatriotic and racist. \nThe point is, accidents are countries too.\nJust ask Alvin Rosenfeld, an English professor here at IU and director of the Institute for Jewish Culture and Arts. Late last year he published an article for the American Jewish Committee titled "'Progressive' Jewish Thought and the New Anti-Semitism," in which he argues that the resurgence of anti-Semitism is fueled by rampant anti-Zionism from within the Jewish community. Not surprisingly, Rosenfeld and the Amercian Jewish Committee have been defending the essay's primary argument since the article's publication, against both Jewish and gentile critics alike.\nZionism, very briefly, is the movement or ideology that promotes the existence of a sovereign Jewish state in Palestine with Jerusalem as the spiritual capital. \nRosenfeld argues that questioning the legitimacy of Israel's creation is inherently anti-Semitic. "The new anti-Semitism," Rosenfeld writes, is "... the singling out of the Jewish state, and the Jewish state alone, as a political entity unworthy of a secure and sovereign existence." Despite the New York Times' analysis that brought international attention to the article, Rosenfeld does not argue that questioning Israel's policies is anti-Semitic, per se.\nThe primary thrust of his thesis hinges on Jews and gentiles who debate the "alleged 'crime' or 'original sin' of (Israel's) very establishment."\nWhat Rosenfeld fails to mention in the 30-page essay (proof he's an English professor) is that the 'original sin' really was a mistake, just like the U.S., Canada, the entirety of Latin America and sub-Saharan Africa. Israel was the incidental byproduct of historical consequence, essentially a token gesture by the victors of World War II to alleviate the guilt of the Holocaust. The arbitrary boundaries that partition one section of arid, unusable desert from another were hastily drawn when Britain abandoned its Palestinian Mandate, in much the same way other European empires-in-decline systematically abandoned their several colonies.\nThe notion of a Zionist "promised land," exactly like the misguided right of Manifest Destiny, is as absurd. Israel was no more divinely inspired than any other modern state, nor are the Jews any more entitled to the land than the Harlem Globetrotters. The real cause of global anti-Semitism is the holier-than-thou sense of historical victimization that characterizes Zionist Jews, which marginalizes the countless other atrocities committed against countless other ethnic minorities throughout history.
(02/02/07 2:31am)
The power of the free market is such that it can (and will) commodify everything from fresh water to professional sports. Whether it's tanning salon-induced melanoma or reselling compost yard trimmings, someone is always trying to make a buck, even off "high art." \nOnce considered man's triumph over beast, artistic expression is now openly traded like baseball cards (albeit priceless baseball cards). Christie's Auction House stopped bidding for Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" at $104 million, and just last week Sotheby's announced the sale of a rare Rembrandt for $25.8 million -- before commission. \nSince it was founded in February 2005, YouTube has similarly been cashing in on the blood, sweat and tears of the artistic community. True, few art critics would rank a gassy infant, or the "Urban Ninja" amongst the likes of Picasso -- or even Tommy Chong -- but YouTube believes that creativity ought to be financially rewarded as well.\nUntil very recently, YouTube had been pocketing the millions in advertising revenue generated by the Web site, even though the site's content is entirely user-created. However, last week the BBC reported that YouTube (a subsidiary of Google) would begin sharing the ad revenue with contributors in the coming months. Similar video-hosting sites already split the money 50-50 with the copyright holder, though hosting is conditional on the video being profitable. The specific details regarding how the revenue is to be divided and distributed are still being negotiated, but the alarming consequences of YouTube's decision are abundantly clear.\nAccording to Harris Interactive, a full 42 percent of Americans have used the site, and 32 percent watch less TV as a result. Online ad space is becoming more valuable by the day and before too long the potential profits will be too great to ignore. In the spirit of capitalism, amateur filmmakers and starving artists will forgo creativity in favor of a wider audience in much the same way that broadcast television networks sacrifice content for ratings (see "American Idol").\nNow that copyright owners are being paid for their contributions, traditional media outlets are attempting to bypass the FCC's decency standards. NBC, for instance, made headlines late last year after uploading an uncensored "Saturday Night Live" skit, "Dick in a Box." In the original broadcast the sketch had been bleeped out.\nThough it won't be long before "wardrobe malfunctions" are a thing of the past, most of YouTube's 70 million users are still penniless teenagers without production budgets. Thus, profit-driven entrepreneurial uploaders will be forced to compete with both high-end studio productions, as well as one another. As each user attempts to outdo the others, the videos will get progressively bigger, crazier and more dangerous. If a user slaughters 500 kittens on Monday, you can be sure that by Wednesday someone else will have eaten the meat and turned the fur into a coat.\nJust imagine a world in which every idiot with a camcorder can film his or her own episode of "Jackass." By inadvertently kicking off a viral video arms race, YouTube has opted to sacrifice inspiration on the alter of economic viability.
(01/26/07 1:02am)
Take a trip back with me, back to the time when Pogs were heading for extinction and "Goosebumps" books became the treasured most assets of savvy, in-the-know 10-year-old collectors. In those days, what I had learned in kindergarten really was all I needed to know, and by middle school my staggering sixth-grade genius seemed unmistakable. Yet despite my best efforts, adults still ran my life. \nIn spite of my lucrative investments in juice-box futures, it was grown-ups who decided when I'd eat, when I'd sleep and whether I was sick enough to play hooky. They were allowed to drive, they were allowed to drink, heck, they even earned paychecks for finishing their long-division assignments. Mr. Webber paid me in stickers. \nI envied the proportional relationship between age and authority. Despite my keen understanding of international Beanie Baby exchange rates ("One day these will be worth billions, literally billions!"), I remained confused. Why, oh why, would grown-ups sacrifice power and respect by lying about their age?\nThe question plagued my pre-pubescent brilliance for years until an epiphany late Wednesday night. I had always assumed that my parents were embarrassed, even ashamed that they had sold their soul for a Volvo and a two-car garage.\nNot so.\nYou see, I turned 22 this week. Gone were the cupcakes and candles, replaced with keg beer and sake bombs. As far as I could tell from the pounding headache and empty fifth of Jack Daniel's next to my pillow, the celebration lasted all night. The next morning my mouth tasted like dead animal and cigarettes, a minor discomfort compared to the bitter reality that set in soon after the post-alcoholic haze had cleared: "That's it, Kirk. There's nothing left."\nDesperation, I soon realized, was the reason people lie about their age. A desperate, entirely hopeless attempt to relive the bygone days, the days when one's expectations for the coming year made the previous year's adventures seem small and insignificant.\nI had a similar experience when I turned 18. I woke up one morning, and just like that I was personally responsible for my actions and eligible to stand trial for murder. Fortunately, being a legal adult provides some compensation. Angered by the fact that only men are required to register for selective service, I decided to take advantage of my newly granted privileges. By noon I had purchased a stack of nudie magazines and a carton of cigarettes, which I subsequently distributed to the homeless people downtown. Time has passed, however, and the novelty of purchasing Camels and pornography has worn off.\nThe same with alcohol: At first getting carded was a bold, new experience that I relished with every dollar spent. But nothing lasts. The excitement has faded in much the same way the value of my Beanie Baby retirement fund has declined since the early '90s (and I was so sure, too).\nLife is all downhill from here, folks. Just ask your parents. I'm already counting down the days until I'm eligible for senior-citizen discounts.
(01/19/07 4:53pm)
I remember simpler times, before the car phone was passe, and before 'The Fresh Prince' qualified for Nick at Nite. Back then, school was conveniently arranged in alphabetical order, and flickering lights triggered an unshakable Pavlovian response. In the afternoon MTV would advertise Crossfire (the Milton Bradley game, not the CNN show), and remind me never to trust anyone over age 30. At the time the slogan meant nothing to any of us, but we were ready to believe.\nWith the experience of age, however, it seems clear that you are all severely unhinged.\nA study of 18- to 25-year-olds by the Pew Research Center has found that "Generation Next" is even more deranged than those who came before. When asked to rank the two "most important goals in life," a full 81 percent of you money-grubby corporate whores admitted your goal was to be rich, 51 percent said it was to be famous and a meager 30 percent said to "help people who need help" was a goal. Moreover, 70 percent of respondents consider Generation Next to be drunker, and more violent, than young adults 20 years ago.\nYou people scare me and I don't know where to turn.\nI always knew I couldn't trust the news, but now the media doesn't trust itself. The Chicago Sun-Times has been outsourcing its stock market analysis to a capuchin monkey. Adam Monk, an independent consultant and member of the genus Cebus, has been diversifying portfolios around the world for the last four years. At least the newspaper had the foresight to hire an investment genius before completely checking out. Monk averages annual returns of over 30 percent, "beating the major indexes every time." This week Monk released his 2007 top picks -- pharmaceuticals and fresh fruit. \nAre you beginning to see what I mean? \nEvery one of you ought to be locked up like Michael Anderson. He was arrested Monday in Naples, Fla. for breaching the peace at a Martin Luther King Jr. Day event. Police claim Anderson, who was sporting a full gorilla suit at the time was "frightening the children," according to the local NBC affiliate. Mr. Anderson's wife, Michelle, believes the arrest may have been motivated by her husband's T-shirt, which read, "Owned by Niggazz."\nFor a while I considered running away to London, but apparently the Brits are not to be trusted either. 42-year-old Maria McCarthy has just published a book detailing 23 years of failed attempts. After dolling out as much as $3,500 for 250 lessons and at least five separate attempts, McCarthy finally passed her driver's test. What's worse is that someone at the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency actually gave her a license and permission to operate 2,000 pounds of steel and plastic at highway speeds. \nIt's settled then. You're all nuts, every one of you. Out of your minds, I say! Basically what I mean is stay the hell away from me. Unless you have Super Bowl tickets. Call me crazy, but I've $50,000 riding on a hot tip from Mr. Monk: Bears 33, Chargers 21.
(01/10/07 3:10am)
You would think that freeing Sunnis, Shias and Kurds from their imperious leaders would restore the desert's cosmic balance. True, the Kurds exist semi-autonomously, the Shia majority finally has a voice in government, and the three groups are sharing the country's oil wealth. But even with Saddam Hussein arrested, tried and executed, the sectarian violence has the potential to wreak more havoc than the Baathist death squads ever did. \nSaddam Hussein may rank "with Hitler as far as history's bad men," as the editors at the Indianapolis Star stated in part of their questionand-answer session with Richard McGowan, lecturer in philosophy and religion at Butler University. However, the notion that the former president -- or any victim of capital punishment -- was beyond the point of rehabilitation or redemption in no way justifies his execution. \nMcGowan argues that a crime's punishment must protect the populace from further injustice, deter future criminals, reaffirm society's values and restore order. The death penalty serves none of these purposes. One execution does not make the world a noticeably safer place, and it has never proven an effective deterrent. As a reaffirmation of society's values, the death penalty is abhorrent, depraved and just embarrassing.\nOf all the possible crimes to commit, only one is so grave that the recognized laws of the state can be breached. Last week the Supreme Iraqi Criminal Tribunal oversaw the execution of Saddam Hussein for "crimes against humanity." In 2005, 60 Americans were executed by the state for rape and homicide. Are we to assume that the rapists and murderers were as deranged as Saddam? Or that Saddam was as pathetic as the criminals on death row?\nIf capital punishment is going to be the state's ultimate form of so-called "retributive justice," it must be reserved for the most heinous of crimes. To say that the leader of the Bloods or the Crips deserves the same punishment as the leader of the Iraqi Republican Guard only proves how capriciously the death penalty is inflicted.\nBut even if the firing squad was administered only to world leaders with standing armies who engaged in some form of ethnic cleansing, capital punishment still wouldn't serve as a meaningful deterrent for the next certifiable despot. \nJoseph Stalin had millions killed and died from a stroke; Pol Pot, who according to some reports was responsible for 3 million deaths, succumbed to heart failure; Mao Tse Tung, who may have contributed to the deaths of up to 30 million, died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. About 180,000 are dead in Darfur, and Omar al-Bashir is still at large; Kim Jong-il, Robert Mugabe, Seyed Ali Khamenei, have all been spared the stylized monotony of the International Criminal Court. Slobodan Milosevic, the lucky bastard, died in the relative luxury of the Hague's holding cell before a verdict could be rendered.\nCapital punishment, regardless of the crime or the convict, is completely inappropriate, especially when the trial is as counterfeit and chaotic as Saddam's. The death of one dictator will not stop other madmen from seizing power, and it won't bring back the dead. Justice is not a zero-sum game.
(12/06/06 4:00am)
Now that Election Day furor has subsided, it's time to look at what issues drove voters to the polls. Six states voted to raise the minimum wage. Others debated gay marriage and abortion. But none were quite as ridiculous as Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst's platform: a "death penalty sentence for a second sexually violent offense against a child under age 14." Like other states' versions of "Jessica's Law," Texas' would also impose tougher penalties for first-time sex offenders and require that they be monitored by GPS tracking for life.\nThough I have no intention of defending the countless acts of child predation each year -- or those who commit the vile, horrific crimes -- capital punishment is, without question, a horrible way to prevent sexual abuse in the future. Dewhurst's pledge may be well intentioned, but it reeks of self-righteousness. \nThe hooded executioner already treads a thin line between public service and state-sanctioned manslaughter, but by assigning an artificial and ultimately meaningless classification like "minor" to the victim, the state implicitly belittles the suffering of "adult" victims. \nWhether you believe a child could suffer more than an adult for the same crime is your own prerogative, but justice, for every reason imaginable, is blind. Not only blind to the defendant, but also toward the victim. Hypocritically, Dewhurst's law imposes the death penalty for offenses against children, ignoring that the severely mentally and physically disabled are no more capable of defending themselves from a potential rapist than a healthy 6-year-old. Nor could an 85-year-old in assisted living very well fight off a disgruntled health care provider. Children may be vulnerable, but not uniquely so. \nStill, let's briefly assume that it really does take a village to raise a child. No legitimate study has ever found capital punishment to be an effective method of deterrence. True, the nationwide murder rate has dropped even as the number of executions has increased slightly. However, observed on a state-by-state basis, "states without the death penalty fared much better than states with the death penalty in reducing their murder rates," according to the Death Penalty Information Center, a nonprofit think tank. In fact, the gap between the murder rates in death penalty versus non-death-penalty states has increased 42 percent since 1990.\nNot only does the death penalty fail to prevent violent crime, but capital punishment merely further institutionalizes the racist tendencies of an already distressingly prejudiced justice system. A 1990 General Accounting Office study found that "in 82 percent of the studies, race of victim was found to influence the likelihood of being charged with capital murder or receiving a death sentence, i.e., those who murdered whites were found to be more likely to be sentenced to death than those who murdered blacks." \nWatch the execution rate for minorities skyrocket if Dewhurst's suggestion are instituted -- not because minorities are more likely to rape a minor, but because the criminal justice system is pervasively racist. \nSince it doesn't come from statistical realities, the archaic notions of justice espoused by the supporters of capital punishment cannot be confused for anything but predisposed bloodlust.
(11/28/06 5:32am)
For me, home is too far to drive for just the Thanksgiving weekend, so last Wednesday I braved the holiday hordes and flew out of Indianapolis International Airport. Now let's be clear: JFK is an international airport. LAX, Dulles, Atlanta and O'Hare are all international airports.\nIndianapolis, you wish.\nThe Indianapolis Transportation Security Administration agents must suffer from a miserable inferiority complex. Nothing else could explain their behavior when I pulled out my ID and boarding pass. Totally uninterested in my identity, the agent demanded access to the fluoride-based WMD in my Ziploc baggy. I'd have been lucky to get two more uses from the tube, but because Aquafresh apparently has the explosive potential of C-4, it was confiscated.\nIt became immediately apparent that the only word to describe TSA regulations is reactionary. Just look at the scale of the attacks needed to realize the benefits of x-raying everything that goes on board. But the only thing between me and the gate was the mandatory shoe inspection and the bomb-sniffing machine, and I wasn't about to make a fuss and risk missing my flight.\nEver since British nut-case Richard Reid attempted to blow a hole in his transatlantic flight, the TSA has required airports to x-ray passengers' assorted footwear. TSA insists the policy works because no one since Reid has tried to turn their Timberlands into M-80s, but the truth is just that no one is stupid enough.\nAmazingly, it wasn't my shoes that set the agents into a hazmat-sized panic. Nor did the butane lighter in my pocket or the set of lock picks in my laptop case (absolutely true) particularly bother the man behind the x-ray machine. No, I was pulled aside for the travel-sized bottle of contact lens solution, which measured a full half-ounce more than the three-ounce limit on fluids. Naturally fearing the gallows or guillotine for the contraband listed above, I passed on a discussion about the relative dangers of salt water in a squeeze bottle.\nThe ban on liquids comes on the heels of news reports that falsely claim a home-made explosive could be engineered on board an airplane using standard toiletry products. The fact of the matter is that distilling acetone and other mild combustibles actually requires a considerable chemistry set. You have a greater chance of bringing down an aircraft with a Molotov cocktail made from duty-free Bacardi 151 than nail polish remover and a match.\nTSA regulations fall dreadfully short of addressing reality. The agency ought to be focusing its attention on the future of skyjackings, not just trying to stop lightning from striking twice. Terrorists are inventive. What good is a ban on whatever the last guy tried? \nAside from being an abject aggravation, improper regulations are detrimental to airport security. Having agents screen for harmless gels and liquids means fewer box cutters and other potential weapons are being seized. If an idiot like me could get through -- twice -- someone with the foresight to plan his attack is virtually guaranteed access to the cockpit.
(11/14/06 4:05am)
Since it usually takes me more than just one class to finish a crossword, if I finish it at all, I've come to think of the daily puzzle as my monochrome babysitter: She doesn't really care what I'm doing so long as I don't bother anyone with my pesky questions. \nAs I rack my brain for a seven-letter word meaning "cautious," the professor can go on ad nauseam. It's a sort of a symbiotic relationship that keeps the teacher out of my hair and me out of his. Without this arrangement, one or both of us would be forced to contribute to a discussion neither of us wants to have on the literary merits of some 13th-century shepherd's spiritual awakening. Fortunately, crosswords satisfy the same biological urge to block out the people around you that television does.\nIt makes me wonder if crossword designers feel as guilty as the parents interviewed in a CNN/Parenting.com article about how parents use the television as a nanny. The article, "The truth about moms and TV: Our love-hate relationship with the tube" follows a handful of parents considered to be part of the 85 percent of caretakers who "say they turn on the TV or pop in a DVD or video 'sometimes or often' to get tasks done around the house." \nNearly all of the parents said they felt some level of remorse for spending so little time with their smelly, dribbling offspring, and none of them were able to defend the television itself, or the channels being aired, as a respectable source of educational programming. But can we really harbor any ill will to these parents of ornery little brats? Why aren't we blaming the kids? They're the ones actually watching TV.\nIf you can walk, you can plow. Let's get these kids to work. A family of four could upgrade to digital cable with the hi-def package at literally no cost if parents put the kids who watch it in the fields and the factories. \nWe know that young viewers are especially susceptible to violent tendencies, insensitivity and obesity. We also know that children are a huge pain who no one would ever want to deal with. Since there's no eating the cake and having it too, a choice must be made: "Veggie Tales" or vegetable pickin'.\nSure, we can let our children be corrupted by the catchy advertising jingles of faceless multinational corporations, but nothing builds character like a tragic farming disaster involving a diesel tractor, a chicken coop and 500 metric tons of bovine waste. \nThe life of an adult is far more complex than any 4-year-old could ever comprehend. We need to start acclimating our children to the tough realities of life. Once children have matured enough to realize how little they want to do with family and friends, only then can we can reintroduce the boob tube -- or at least let them do crossword puzzles.
(11/07/06 3:53am)
It's nearly Thanksgiving, which can only mean one thing: It's time to put up Christmas decorations. The flashing lights, and talking Santas. The Douglas firs doomed to spend their last miserable days clamped mercilessly inside a wrought iron vise, gasping painfully for the last ounce of water you so graciously provided after severing their trunks from their roots. Blessed art thou who neglects the evergreens.\nBut damned be he who neglects to vote!Today is Election Day, and I know you feel a strong inclination not to vote. But you have at least as much responsibility to participate in the democratic process as you have to decorate your house for the holidays. If you spent all last week celebrating Halloween, vomiting fun-size Snickers bars onto your cheap, homemade costume, surely you can find a half an hour to cast a ballot. \nAt this point, I couldn't care less who you vote for, just so long as you vote for someone. To be perfectly honest, none of the candidates are particularly appealing, and I sympathize with your apathy. But that's all the more reason to go to the polls. The Republican National Committee and Democratic National Committee are as indifferent as you are. They choose self-serving, morally bankrupt, brain-dead candidates because they know it doesn't make a difference to the public. Show the parties that you're passionate about solid leadership by turning out at the polls, even if you vote for yourself out of spite. When the national committees realize the "second-worst choice" isn't good enough for the voters, they'll find real politicians with goals, not agendas. \nIt's true that incumbents are virtually invincible, but only because many voters won't go out and vote for anyone else. This year, in fact, Indiana has three races that could go either way. The RNC has thrown nearly $3 million at Republican candidates from the 2nd, 8th and 9th districts, and all have strong Democratic challengers. To get the Dems elected, you have to vote. But in a strange catch-22, you also have to vote to defeat them. So for the love of God and all that is holy, please vote!\nI'm going to sweeten the deal a bit. I know the last election was mostly an appeal to emotional passions, and this one has been nothing but racial slurs and mudslinging. Still, choosing officials is one of the most significant decisions you'll ever make. The outcome affects you on a daily basis, whether you realize it or not. \nTherefore, for every person who casts a ballot in Indiana, I won't kill an animal on the endangered species list.\nIf you don't know where to vote but you want to do your part to save 4 million giant pandas, Bengal tigers and Florida manatees, visit www.indianavoters.com/PublicSite/Public/PublicPollingPlace.aspx. Enter your county and address, and the billions of hamster wheels endlessly spinning in Silicon Valley will point you to your closest polling station. \nHappy Super Tuesday, everyone. It's time to do the one thing that justifies your right to live in a democracy. Vote!
(11/01/06 3:49am)
Though most of Bloomington's significant administrative and legislative responsibilities fall to the mayor and Bloomington City Council, other essential functions are overseen by a Bloomington Township trustee and board. The trustee is responsible for allocating about $2 million for the creation and maintenance of social services like homeless shelters and soup kitchens, along with the Bloomington Township Fire Department. \nDemocrat Nancy Brinegar holds the seat. The challenger is Republican Anthony Bruner.\nBrinegar, a two-term incumbent, is an IU graduate with eight years experience on the Township Board. Brinegar said she secured a new site for the Bloomington Community Kitchen, which is being leased to the organization for $1 a year. The board also bought and renovated a short-term emergency shelter for local residents and low-income families. Her latest victory is a $1 million facility to train firefighters from across Southern Indiana. \nHer challenger, Bruner, is a local businessman with 28 years experience managing the books for his landscaping company. Bruner's first order of business will be increasing the fire department's on-duty night-time responders, though Brinegar is quick to respond that the majority of firefighters are volunteers. He also envisions the IU greek community playing a significant role as volunteers and fundraisers, a plan Brinegar believes will limit the efficacy of the United Way and similar organizations.\nWhat differentiates these two candidates are their core goals. Bruner said he is concerned that Bloomington citizens are being unfairly taxed by supporting a fire department that receives 22 percent of its emergency calls from Benton Township. On the other hand, Brinegar's record suggests a greater concern with social services, a subject on which Bruner was nearly silent. \nTuesday you'll have a choice between two highly competent candidates. As a resident and tax-payer, Bruner promises fiscal responsibility and better fire-response. As a student and a bleeding-heart liberal, however, I'm endorsing Nancy Brinegar, whose eight years experience helping the poor reflects a sense of social obligation rarely seen in elected officials.
(10/31/06 6:14am)
One Saturday many, many years ago, a few friends and I were shooting off bottle rockets in a back yard. The seemingly innocuous fun ended when a handful of armed officers fought their way through the bamboo which separated my friend's yard from his neighbors. Midway through a fire safety lecture, one of the more diehard officers glanced down to see what I was conspicuously trying to hide behind my back: four M-80s (the big ones that whistle) tied together with the fuses twisted together to ensure the whole mess fired at more or less the same time. He asked what I was going to do with the beast, and I replied as honestly as I knew how: "I was going to fire it."\nHe paused and stared at me before accusing me of being the hell-raiser in the back of the class who shoots spit balls. Here I was about to blow off my hand, and he's basically forecasting a life of crime and drugs. In reality, as one could probably guessed by my position on the school newspaper, I wasn't exactly the kind to be lured into gang violence and drug pushing.\nThinking back, the officer might have reconsidered his accusations if my high school had instituted stereotype identification tags like those used at Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Md. According to the Washington Post, the 3,000-student school issued color-coded badges to classify a student as one of 11 "academies" that divide students based on everything from grade to career path to English proficiency.\nThe administrators believe they are promoting a broader sense of community, but the program is being protested by students who don't understand the benefits of pointing out the differences between one another. \n"Self-segregation is already an issue in the student body, and the formal distribution of color-coded IDs has essentially institutionalized the phenomenon," one student said in a school newspaper editorial about the system. \nThe "academies" students sign up for will become the new way to identify stoners, computer gamers, athletes, and Future Farmers of America. It's just a matter of renaming one's identity. The class clowns are dark blue for entrepreneurship, the foreign kid is red and, hilariously enough, the science nerd is virginal white. \nThis is really a system we should be promoting on the national level to help bring back America's lost sense of "community." If everyone wore ID badges with their race, job and income, we could help promote community togetherness -- black airline pilots would hang out at the Forest-Green Lounge while Hispanic accountants kick back at the robin's-egg-blue cafe. Before long, we could start sending "communities" to schools specially designed to meet their personalized needs. \nIf I had been issued an ID badge before the police seized my jury-rigged hand grenade, I could have informed them I was a geeky middle-class suburbanite. Instead of wasting their time on me, the officers could have been tracking down orange drug dealers and purple gang members.
(10/24/06 3:22am)
Recently, I was stopped in the Union by a representative from Ruckus. Ruckus, if you remember, is the online music downloading service IU agreed to license to deter students from stealing pirated music online. It's rare that I'll strike up a conversation with these flier-pushers -- the discussions inevitably decimate my spirits, and these days, I close my eyes and pretend I'm alone if I see someone with a handful of papers smiling and waving in my direction. Unless, of course, they have prizes.\nThe Ruckus representative gave me a cheap plastic mug in return for a review of the Ruckus software. I told him it's still too early to know how students will use Ruckus -- if they use it at all -- but the informal discussions I've had and my personal usage come to one universal conclusion: weak.\nI expressed my sentiments to the representative behind the desk as he chewed on his Whopper Value Meal, nodding solemnly and trying not to spill on himself. When I finished, he reminded me of Ruckus' only selling point: that the license is free. I'll never know for sure, but I think he was implying you get what you pay for. I had to point out that stealing is also free and that pirated music plays on any device. \nSince Ruckus' encrypted files can't be converted into an iPod-friendly format, the songs iPod owners download are stuck on their computers, which entirely ignores the real advantage of digital music. If listeners were overly concerned with sound quality, they'd return to vinyl -- the market for digital music is portability. When you think about it, a computer that plays music is really just an oversized CD player.\nStill, the root of the problem is that Ruckus isn't really "free." IU is only licensing the songs -- basically leasing the library -- and students lose the rights to play their library cost-free once they graduate. They're then stuck with either a monthly fee or thousands of unusable files. There's just nothing revolutionary about a loan. \nIf anything, the lesson here is crime pays. Ruckus' method of distribution is great, giving music freely to any student who wants it. The question is why anyone would bother, considering the user will be forced to download an illegal copy of the same song once he or she leaves IU. Downloading music from Ruckus is like picking up a fler you know you're going to throw away.
(10/17/06 2:50am)
There are many places I'd like to visit: Kodiak, Alaska, for instance. Or the Ganges and the Pyramids. Then I saw a "Discover Nebraska" advertisement on television and got to thinking of the places I'd avoid for the rest of my life. North Korea, for instance, and Burma with its military junta are at the very bottom of my very long list. I'd also be perfectly content staying the hell away from Baghdad -- even if it meant touring downtown Omaha.\nPrompted by a recent surge of violent crime in north Omaha, local shock-jock Tom Becka played a spoof of the popular "Discover Nebraska," inviting tourists to "Discover miles of mayhem. Discover drive-bys. Discover gang violence ... Discover North Omaha. After all, it's safer than Baghdad." If that ringing endorsement isn't enough, the parody even uses a fake police officer's testimonial: "Omaha was nice enough to give me plenty of extra overtime. Arson, abductions, assaults -- everything that makes a community exciting." \nAccording to various local network news affiliates in Omaha, the 36-second satire forced a condemnation of Becka by City Councilman Frank Brown. The Council is debating a resolution calling on the radio station, KFAB, to issue a public apology and "to repair the community damage it has inflicted." As if anyone wanted to visit Nebraska to begin with.\nI guess your idea of a prime vacation spot depends on where you grew up because when I think vacation, I see beaches, warm weather and coconuts filled with booze. On the other hand, Google informs me that Omaha, Neb., is about the most boring place imaginable. There's literally nothing to make fun of, nothing to say about Nebraska. So I'll just get to the point.\nCalling the parody distasteful does nothing to stem the violence. If the Council were really interested in the welfare of its city, it would be debating ways to encourage order and civility. The real damage inflicted on the community is being done by criminals on the streets of North Omaha, while the Council scrambles to sway public opinion. It must be an election year.\nAnyway, the DJ will be protected from any wrongdoing by the First Amendment. He didn't swear or break any FCC guideline, and the Council should know that. A real leader would sponsor a resolution for better law enforcement, not waste everyone's time scolding a radio personality. Besides, every ounce of common sense says confronting Becka will just bring in more listeners. Crime rates are rising, and the Council is debating how to cover it up. The too-edgy-for-Nebraska comments made by some nothing DJ are the least of the city's problems. \nWhen we talk about political responsibility, we're usually discussing the federal government. Recent debates -- involving, for example, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert and former FEMA chief Dan Brown -- are a perfect expression of my point. The problem is in no way limited to the upper echelon of corruption known as Capitol Hill. Indeed, even the City Council of Omaha, Neb., is entirely incapable of even the slightest bit of responsibility.
(10/10/06 2:42am)
Listen up, I-69 detractors! Every week it's something new. There's no end to the litany of complaints to the I-69 corridor between Indianapolis and Evansville. It's time to get off your high horses and understand that the infrastructure improvements being made are for the long-term benefit of this state. \nI'm going to address one-by-one as many of the arguments against the new interstate as will fit on the page and explain to you in the simplest terms possible why you're wrong. Now, if you oppose I-69 purely on the ad hominem grounds that Mitch Daniels is a slimy Republican, then your argument is bunk and barely worth mentioning.\nIt's a known fact that although Indiana has traditionally been an agricultural state, large manufacturers are a growing portion of the state's economy and of utmost importance to the state's future. The new Honda factory being built in Greensburg, for instance, is scheduled to open in 2008. Not only is the plant predicted to bring huge tax revenues for the state, but it will also increase factory wages up to $24 an hour in order to compete with the car maker. You can bet that one of the deciding factors that brought Honda to Indiana was the prospect of a shiny new interstate on which to distribute the 2019 lineup to the Midwest. \nThe I-69 project is going to have serious environmental repercussions. How can we sacrifice the state's uniquely irreplaceable ecosystems for purely economic gains? I'll admit, it sounds irresponsible and selfish to spoil Indiana's pristine wilderness, but if you look at the numbers, we're not sacrificing that much. The Draft Environmental Impact Statement concluded that most of the potential routes -- including paving over SR-37 -- have very minimal impact. In fact, 75 percent to 80 percent of the affected land is farmland. Moreover, only 0.1 percent of southern Indiana forests and 0.1 percent of wetlands will be developed. I don't know exactly when the environmental loss is greater than the economic gains, but I'm sure the total damage must be more severe than one-tenth of a percent.\nThough the environmental costs are not particularly overwhelming, the monetary estimates are. Approximately $2 billion will be spent on the project beginning in 2008. This money will be taken from other government programs like education and public safety. Very few believe the overstretched budget can handle such an expenditure. This is where the toll road comes in. A road toll is just a road tax, but instead of a 1 percent blanket tax hike on your income, drivers will pay the price per trip. A toll will free up the available taxes for other things and ensure high-quality maintenance for the entire life of the highway.\nIndiana requires this road. The inconvenience is another worthy sacrifice; I-69 is a long-term investment that will be around far longer than any one of us will be driving on SR-37. This is a project for the state's posterity, a gift for the next generation of Hoosiers.
(10/03/06 2:49am)
I'm kind of an arrogant jerk, so you can imagine how I felt when I saw a study in Newsweek that said that three out of four undergraduates are smarter than I am. I mean, come on!\nThe nonprofit Intercollegiate Studies Institute set out to determine how effective institutions of higher education are at preparing the next generation of civic leaders and informed citizens. The study of 14,000 students at 50 randomly selected colleges from across the country asked undergraduate students to answer 60 questions on "government, American history, economics and international affairs," said Mike Ratliff, a senior vice president of the ISI said.\nApparently we college students didn't do so well, and the older we grew, the dumber we dun got. Incoming freshman averaged a solid "F" of 51.7 percent, prompting testers to question just how they got into college to begin with. Now you might think. "Oh, well, they're freshmen. They're all idiots; what did you expect?" And you'd be right; most of them are. Unfortunately, you upperclassmen didn't fare so well either. Seniors performed only 1.5 percent better than their underclassman counterparts. \nThe study's organizers point to a phenomenon called "negative learning." Basically, if you don't refresh a subject regularly, you forget it. In my case, it's math. God willing, I'll never have to calculate derivatives for the rest of my life because I can't remember how. Similarly, science and math majors will attest to selectively unlearning the state capitals and who serves as president of the Senate. \nMoreover, "negative learning" will be the downfall of this nation. The testers worry that a civic crisis is looming, college curricula have gone soft and the next generation is entirely unprepared to run a country. \nHooey and nonsense!\nFirst, negative learning implies freshman knew something when they left high school, which clearly isn't the case. But more importantly, college has gotten easier year after year. On the contrary, courses have gotten more intense. There's more to know now than ever before -- it would be absurd to ask any one person to know it all. The very reason human beings have done so well historically is by dividing society's tasks among themselves. No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.\nThe testers at ISI are asking for the impossible: for every student to be fully educated in their field of choice, as well as political science. Sure, it would be great if students had time to devote to other subjects as well, but these days they don't even need to. With the advent of quick and easy mass communication, all knowledge is digital, searchable and accessible.\nUniversities, professors and students have rightly concluded that medical doctors need not be concerned with butter and guns any more than I need to be concerned with gastrointestinal surgery or the rash under my arm. Leave biology to the doctors and government to the political scientists.
(09/26/06 2:56am)
I should trust the bus schedule to be accurate and informative, but it's not. I should trust my doctor to always prescribe the best medicine, not the one with the sexy, 27-year-old drug rep, but he doesn't. I should trust the FDA and current safety precautions, but 166 people have contracted E. Coli. I should trust my Uncle Roger, but he's always suspiciously missing when the cat turns up dead. \nProfessors should, by no exceptional stretch of the imagination, be able to trust their students -- but they can't. \nA Rutgers University-Center for Academic Integrity study found that more than 40 percent of 18,000 college students knowingly and willingly plagiarized someone else's work. Statistics like this one are a damning testament to the reality that people have cheated and will continue to do so as long as they think they can get away with it.\nSo far, one of the most effective methods of rooting out plagiarism has been a Web site many students are familiar with: TurnItIn.com. A professor will create an inbox to which a student uploads a paper. The paper is then scanned and compared to "in-house copies of both current and archived internet content," which essentially means "everything we could find on the Internet ever." But the more valuable resource -- which makes TurnItIn unique from say, Google -- is a database that contains 22 million previously submitted papers.\nAt face value, the goals of the experiment are sound: Deter plagiarism and teach students how to properly credit their sources. However, students at McLean High School in northern Virginia are the latest in a growing number of students protesting the regular use of TurnItIn. The Committee for Student's Rights objects to TurnItIn making a profit off of students' work, calling it an "infringement of intellectual property rights," according to the Washington Post. \nLast year the Bloomington Faculty Council voted to continue the license agreement with TurnItIn, which costs the University almost $25,000 a year, according to a March 2, 2005, Indiana Daily Student article. Multiply that figure by 6,000 institutions in 90 countries, and you realize just how massive TurnItIn's operation really is. \nThe question students are asking themselves is: Why is TurnItIn making money off a database entirely composed of our own sweat, blood and tears? Published or not, a student's work is his or her own. Although the paper in question is not being reproduced and sold, TurnItIn is still utilizing the text for profit. \nSupporters will attest that TurnItIn also protects students from other students. Cheating is not always a two-way street. A paper left in a library printer is easy pickings for anyone who walks by.\nThe solution, as always, is a compromise of both worlds. Instead of having the BFC spend $25,000 a year to reduce academic dishonesty, the University should be building its own non-profit essay database. Participating colleges and high schools would only pay for maintenance and upkeep so that no third party is making money off of students.
(09/12/06 2:48am)
Every few days, a story comes around that gets stuck in the Google News loop: People keep clicking it, so it keeps coming back, even though the story is days or weeks old. One such story was blessed with the intriguing headlines "50-somethings getting high more" and "Boomers' drug use rises again." \nWith headlines like that, I barely need an introduction, but if you haven't seen the report yet, use of illicit drugs is down among teens but up -- for the third year running -- among baby boomers. Our parents' drug of choice, not surprisingly, is marijuana. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health reported that 4.4 percent of 50- to 59-year-olds have used illicit drugs in the last month, an increase of 2.7 percent since 2002. Teen drug use, on the other hand, declined slightly from 11.6 percent to 9.9 percent. \nOf course, these data are only as accurate as you believe them to be. There's a very real chance that these figures are completely meaningless. Consider your own response to a government-drafted survey asking you to "honestly" report your illegal activities. I mean, why wouldn't someone lie?\nNevertheless, the data we have are the data we use, so let's get to the beef. Depending on your interpretation, you might come to the same conclusion David Murray did. Murray is the special assistant to the director for the Office of National Drug Control Policy. He sees the glass half-full: "Rarely have we seen a story like this where this is such an obvious contrast as one generation goes off stage right, and entering stage left is a generation that learned a lesson somehow and they're doing something very different." In other words, Murray is very proud of we D.A.R.E. graduates for learning how to just say no. He sees great success in his job: The kids are safer and listening to their parents less than ever.\nBut let's look at the other data. Overall drug use remains relatively unchanged: "About 19.7 million Americans reported they had used an illicit drug in the past month, which represented a rise from 7.9 percent to 8.1 percent," according to an Associated Press report. The fractional increase is not just related to a rise in parental addicts, but also a bump in the 18-25 demographic, which is traditionally the highest group of all. \nWhat these data are really telling us is that drug use comes with maturity. Users might start later in life, but they'll continue using much longer than the experimental college years. The logical conclusion to be reached is that drug laws need to reflect drug use. Enough people out there have realized that marijuana is not half has dangerous as the government has always told us.\nThe government is in denial. Marijuana is both available and in demand among mature, responsible adults. Obviously, marijuana use among boomers hasn't caused the economy to screech to a giggling halt; it's time that drug policy reflected reality and the voters' wishes.
(09/05/06 2:49am)
School districts across the country are facing budget cuts. And first on the chopping block are the after-school activities that provide students with outlets for their energy in safe and responsible environments.\nDespite their problems, after-school programs do entice students away from drugs, crime and general mayhem. But while school is logically the best place for athletics, art and music, a new government study shows that it does, in fact, take a whole village to raise a child.\nAccording to a survey conducted by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, residents in exceedingly rural communities -- specifically in states like Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas -- have the highest rate of alcohol abuse by people 12 and older. The survey, which defined binge-drinking as five or more drinks at a single sitting, found that 30 percent of people younger than 20 in south-central Wyoming abuse alcohol -- a full 50 percent higher than the national average.\nConversely, the lowest-ranking regions were densely populated cities such as Washington, D.C., and Los Angeles, confirming data from an earlier study that found "rural youths ages 12 and 13 were twice as likely as urban youths to abuse alcohol" (New York Times).\nThe article cites a number of explanations, including an influx of some 200,000 orphans from 1854-1929. Another is the notion that a dog-eat-dog world has been impressed on the local psyche, which in turn has encouraged drinking and rowdy behavior. Similarly, to local residents, Wyoming is the last frontier of the American West, an untamed wilderness where the only thing to keep you warm is a bottle of Jack Daniels and the grizzly bear you killed with your bare hands.\nBut there's a much simpler explanation available: "I think so many kids drink because the state is barren, desolate and boring to some people, and there is not really anything to do," a recent high school graduate told the New York Times Sept. 2. And isn't that always the excuse? I myself am from the Washington, D.C., area, and I can't even count the number of times my friends and I would just sit there racking our brains for something -- anything -- to do. Sure, we could go to Starbucks or the mall or a movie, but after-hours there isn't any more to do in a big city than a Podunk town in rural Wyoming. The best nightlife is 21-plus anywhere you go. Even my local bowling alley was closed to minors after 9 p.m. \nWith all the instant gratification available to kids between the hours of 8 a.m. and 9 p.m., it's no wonder that the already rambunctious youth suffers severe withdrawal between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. that manifests itself in reckless, irresponsible behavior. If a community -- rural or urban -- really wants to reign in its hard-drinking, tough-talking cowpokes, then it's going to be expensive. Local government is going to have to provide distractions 24/7, or else the kids will make their own fun double-fisting a case of Budweiser at 85 miles an hour.
