End of the line

I remember simpler times, before the car phone was passe, and before 'The Fresh Prince' qualified for Nick at Nite. Back then, school was conveniently arranged in alphabetical order, and flickering lights triggered an unshakable Pavlovian response. In the afternoon MTV would advertise Crossfire (the Milton Bradley game, not the CNN show), and remind me never to trust anyone over age 30. At the time the slogan meant nothing to any of us, but we were ready to believe.\nWith the experience of age, however, it seems clear that you are all severely unhinged.\nA study of 18- to 25-year-olds by the Pew Research Center has found that "Generation Next" is even more deranged than those who came before. When asked to rank the two "most important goals in life," a full 81 percent of you money-grubby corporate whores admitted your goal was to be rich, 51 percent said it was to be famous and a meager 30 percent said to "help people who need help" was a goal. Moreover, 70 percent of respondents consider Generation Next to be drunker, and more violent, than young adults 20 years ago.\nYou people scare me and I don't know where to turn.\nI always knew I couldn't trust the news, but now the media doesn't trust itself. The Chicago Sun-Times has been outsourcing its stock market analysis to a capuchin monkey. Adam Monk, an independent consultant and member of the genus Cebus, has been diversifying portfolios around the world for the last four years. At least the newspaper had the foresight to hire an investment genius before completely checking out. Monk averages annual returns of over 30 percent, "beating the major indexes every time." This week Monk released his 2007 top picks -- pharmaceuticals and fresh fruit. \nAre you beginning to see what I mean? \nEvery one of you ought to be locked up like Michael Anderson. He was arrested Monday in Naples, Fla. for breaching the peace at a Martin Luther King Jr. Day event. Police claim Anderson, who was sporting a full gorilla suit at the time was "frightening the children," according to the local NBC affiliate. Mr. Anderson's wife, Michelle, believes the arrest may have been motivated by her husband's T-shirt, which read, "Owned by Niggazz."\nFor a while I considered running away to London, but apparently the Brits are not to be trusted either. 42-year-old Maria McCarthy has just published a book detailing 23 years of failed attempts. After dolling out as much as $3,500 for 250 lessons and at least five separate attempts, McCarthy finally passed her driver's test. What's worse is that someone at the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency actually gave her a license and permission to operate 2,000 pounds of steel and plastic at highway speeds. \nIt's settled then. You're all nuts, every one of you. Out of your minds, I say! Basically what I mean is stay the hell away from me. Unless you have Super Bowl tickets. Call me crazy, but I've $50,000 riding on a hot tip from Mr. Monk: Bears 33, Chargers 21.