Kiss kiss, bang bang

The president of the National Rifle Association recently categorically rejected any proposals to further restrict either assault weapons or high-capacity clips.

Fundamentally, I don’t have a problem with Americans owning guns.

The Second Amendment theoretically protects citizens both from a tyrannical government as well as from individual acts of violence. But, like simultaneously wearing two condoms, it is possible to have too much protection.

If you find yourself routinely needing an assault rifle to protect your liberty and well-being, then there is an excellent chance you are in fact a fictional character escaped from a Tarantino movie.

Restricting or banning assault weapons and high-capacity magazines won’t stop violence for the same reason the Transportation Security Administration can’t stop terrorism.

However, these bans would stop mass shootings.

The common rebuttal seems to be that the indiscriminately homicidal certainly aren’t going to balk at the prospect of illegally buying a gun.

While this is true, the difficulty in illegally purchasing such controlled weapons would be similar to moving to a new city and trying to find a prostitute, an analogy which should convince any congressman who worked alongside Larry Craig.

There are a number of law-abiding citizens who legally own such weapons and have never embarked upon murderous rampages, either because of a sense of civic responsibility, excellent mental health, cowardice, flaccidity or general laziness.

Is it fair to keep these law-abiding gun enthusiasts from buying such weapons?

No, frankly it isn’t. Unfortunately, that’s kind of how civilization works. I empathize. For example, I’ve always wanted a LAW rocket launcher, even though in the wrong hands, it could kill hundreds of people.

We all have to make certain sacrifices in order to provide for our mutual well-being and defense.

Assault weapons and high-capacity magazines have precisely one function: to kill a lot of people. At least a rocket launcher would be an awesome bong.

Having once shot a semi-automatic rifle at a gun range I occasionally visit, allow me to narrate the experience for the uninitiated.

There’s a piece of paper with a bulls-eye set up several hundred yards away. You point, click and hear a muffled racket through the ear protection.

It’s exactly as gratifying as operating a three-hole punch while shouting, “Bang, bang, bang!”

Then, after you are finished discharging your weapon, you must clean it.

This is done by affixing a lubricated rag to a long, stiff pole and repeatedly thrusting it up and down the barrel, before giving it a fond caress and putting it back in the case.

Never mind, I’ve completely lost my train of thought.

Without the legal availability of these weapons, incidents like those in Newtown, Conn., and Aurora, Colo., would not be possible.

For our collective safety and security, it has become time to ask people to exchange their assault weapons for a DVD collection of the Rambo franchise and a really large truck.

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu