How to drink to the debates

When American presidential debates began 50-odd years ago, they quickly supplanted the previously established tradition in which each presidential candidate, armed only with a small, homemade shiv, would fight an enraged black bear to demonstrate determination and leadership.

For those of you familiar with the debates, please don’t delude the rest of my readers.
Although widely ignored now, the first televised debates were viewed by roughly 66 million Americans. 

This was partially because watching John Kennedy on the television was the closest millions of housewives had come to discovering porn and partially because “The X-Files” hadn’t been invented yet, so television by definition generally sucked.

While reality television and general degradation of the American intellect might have removed the novelty of hearing the asinine ramblings of your fellow citizens, do bare in mind that the two grown men verbally slap-fighting for our entertainment are vying to become the elected leader of the free world.

Depressed?

Fortunately, there is something you can do.

Well, pedantic readers, technically there are a lot of things you can do.

For example, you could join one of those sad coalitions of college kids who fervently believe they will usher in an enlightened Marxist revolution.

I guess what I meant to say is there’s only one effective and meaningful way to stave of the soul-crushing horror of the 2012 election.

Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, grab a bottle of top-shelf, single-malt scotch.

Supporters of President Barack Obama, break open some bottles of local beer.
Drink responsibly, and for the love of whatever deity you venerate, don’t try to keep up with anyone who still supports Ron Paul. Odds are they haven’t been sober for months.

Here are some suggestions:

Drink whenever somebody mentions one of the numerous recent political gaffes. From “You didn’t build that” to “I’m for the 100 percent,” there has been no shortage of ill-conceived political statements this year.

Drink whenever Romney attempts to simulate human emotion.

Romney has occasionally exhibited a wry sense of humor, but it has done little to humanize him.

If he shares personal details in an attempt to seem less like a Terminator robot programmed by Alan Rickman, drink. Take two drinks if it works.

Drink when a candidate laughs or smiles nervously while his opponent insults him.
Nothing like watching people grin and bare it on live TV.

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu