How to suck at college

With the glut of advice books crowding the shelves, it seems implausible that the unforgivable behavior of students, both at IU and across the nation, can be attributed to
ignorance.

Therefore, I am proud to present the first advice book geared toward helping the painfully oblivious, socially awkward or truly sadistic destroy their lives with a maximum of efficiency. It’s easier than getting people to change.

So whether you’re an upperclassman with an ill-advised goatee striving to reach a true, personal nadir or just a bright-eyed freshman eager to get an early start on sabotaging all social interactions for the next four years, here are some tips to start you down a path towards ridicule, loathing and soul-crushing loneliness.

The Indiana Memorial Union couches: The Mezzanine level of the Union is much like a furniture display at an upscale department store. It is littered with unbelievably comfortable furniture and employees get really upset if you try to have sex there.

However, there is an ominous trend sweeping the Union that must be addressed.

The couches are reserved for people who have not slept for more than 24 hours and/or have a debilitating hangover. For those of you wondering if someone meets these criteria, try ignoring all of the available chairs and sitting by yourself on one corner of the couch with your MacBook open. From my extensive personal experience, it is always a MacBook.

If the individual in question tries to brain you with one of the antique lamps, they probably need and deserve the couch.

For this maneuver to be truly effective, try coordinating with your fellow soulless automaton friends to claim all available couches.

Play acoustic guitar in public places, croon soulfully: One hallmark of a successful university music program that it produces graduates who are so skilled that strangers are willing to pay money to see them perform in public places. However, those of you truly devoted to making poor decisions understand that music school is an unnecessary, elitist institution.

Why suffer through years of study and grueling practice when you can simply wander into a space in the middle of campus and assault everybody with the chord that is “Wonderwall?”

Like bomb disposal units, musicians perform in public only after intensive practice well away from the general public and for much the same reason.

However, since your scorn for basic human decency has carried you this far, continue to assume that the public wants nothing more than to watch you stumble through both songs in your repertoire.

Addendum: Those massive pianos littered across campus are totally an invitation to reenact your third grade piano recital, or dazzle your captive audience of innocent bystanders with a stirring rendition of “Chopsticks.”

Remember that you are special. The most important advice I can offer you in your quest for self-destruction is to remember that other people are not nearly as gifted as you.

The 100-level classes you have taken have likely made you an unparalleled expert in philosophy, politics and scientific advancements.

Never miss an opportunity to enlighten the ignorant masses by explaining the banal, obvious or trivial in excruciating detail.

­—stefsoko@indiana.edu