Sleeping on the job

Being an intern means you’ve got to attend discussion panels and hearings.

You sit, you take notes and you write a memo. Sounds simple enough right? It should be, but some interns can’t handle this responsibility.  

Hey idiot, can you even dress yourself in the morning?

Well, I can’t help you pick out a tie, but I can give you some essential pointers on networking, note taking and sleeping on the job.

Let’s start with networking. When you sign in, they’ll hand you a tag with your name and affiliation. Remember, you represent your organization when you attend a discussion panel. Who knows what reckless or sexist things you’re liable to say.

This can be dangerous. Like I’ve mentioned in previous articles, everyone is out to get you. To avoid getting fired, I RSVP as Matt Dillman working at the North American Mortgage & Bond Liquidators Association, or NAMBLA for short.

Grab a muffin and some coffee from the breakfast table and then mingle with the other interns.

Don’t bother talking to the older professionals. They could care less about your opinion on domestic renewable energy policy.

Don’t worry, you won’t miss any thrilling conversation. All they want to talk about is either their last vacation to Europe or baseball.

Other interns are easy to spot. They are half the age of everyone around them, and they still have ambition.

Interns tend to disperse themselves evenly throughout the audience. You’ll be there for a while, up to four hours in some cases.

So before the speakers come out, find a spot near the center a few rows back with another intern. Don’t bother sitting next to an ug.

Go straight up to a dime, and impress them with how uninterested you are in the subject of the discussion panel. This is similar to the technique I use when picking up chicks in class.

It almost never works.

Pull out your notepad and get comfortable. Play footsy with the old guy in front of you while the speakers get mic’d up.

Don’t bother writing everything down, only about a quarter of what they say will be pertinent.

Normally, I just write down whatever the person next to me has.

If you miss the definition of an acronym, forget about it — you’ll never figure out what it means.

Undoubtedly their stale talking points and soothing voices will lull you to sleep.  Most people won’t judge you, except for Sen. Sam Brownback from Kansas.

Never let him see you dozing off. He will stare you down and haunt your dreams like a Republican Freddie Kruger cutting up taxes and scantily clad interns. The man won’t take anything less than your full attention, trust me.

Also try to not sit in the line of sight of a camera. Nothing is worse than C-SPAN catching you drool. They’ve caught me sleeping at nearly every hearing I’ve attended.

If you ever see me conked-out live, be a pal and send me a text or something to wake me up. I’ll leave the sound on.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu