Stop Major Proliferation

There is an alarming trend sweeping our great Hoosier Nation. It’s an arms race, a stockpiling of deadly weaponry set to wipe the entire species of college student off the face of the Earth.

It’s called Major Proliferation, and it’s taking us to the brink of disaster.

It all started in 1939 with a government project codenamed “The Brooklyn Project.” It was initiated to research whether it was possible to split the college student – forcing it to complete two degrees in just four years.

The theorists thought it couldn’t be done. They claimed it violated the Law of Conservation of Credit Hours. They said no student could handle the extreme pressures needed to reach the point of fission. They predicted that the daughter particles – er, students – would be unstable and decay in nanoseconds.

But if these challenges were overcome, the Double Major would be the most powerful force ever released on the job market. So the government pushed forward, hoping to give the U.S. a leg up on the rest of world.

The first test of a Double Major was successful.

A 130-credit-hour device, it was a Physics and Astronomy Major from the previously unheard of “University 51.” It was barely beyond the intensity of conventional one major/two minor combinations which had been in use for decades.

By today’s standards, a slacker.

Before long, there were escalations: BS/BS Dual Degrees, Separate Division Dual Degrees, Triple Majors, Double Majors Who Graduate Early.

In 2005, scientists created the mother of all terrors – the Music/Business/Chemistry Major. Just think of the aftermath of such devastation. A shell of a human, a soul nearly extinguished by the sheer volume of prerequisite coursework.

Hoosiers, we can no longer afford to live in fear of Weapons of Mass Sleep Deprivation.
That’s why today I propose a series of diplomatic meetings called SMLT — Strategic Majors Limitations Talks. The multi-majors and uni-majors will sit down and discuss ways to prevent MASS – Mutually Assured Stress Sickness.

Without quick intervention, a downward spiral will begin. Eventually everyone will be taking summer classes “to get ahead.” The superachievers will create secret bunkers of majors ready to deploy in the worst case scenario: a free space in their schedule.
When you consider whether to take action, think of the students.

Think of the millions of biology/chemistry majors who dread not getting into med school because they didn’t add neuroscience. Think of the accounting/folklore and ethnomusicology majors who lose sleep deciding if they seem interesting enough without that IMP in cobbling and haberdashery.

Together, we can stop this madness. Stand with me: declare one major, and don’t give in to temptation. Resist the urge to say things like “it’s only three more classes for a Spanish major, I might as well.”

And when they ask you “What are your majors?” channel your English teacher and correct their grammar. Remember the way he said, “You mean were, subjunctive. If I were a rich man ...” Just like that.

Say “You mean major, singular. My major is...”