Only online

In honor of Memorial Day, the IDS is not in print, so the content is online-only. I don’t really like this. I know that today is supposed to be about the heroes who defend our country and not about myself or whatever, but I am kind of vain and get a really big kick out of seeing my picture in the paper, cutting my columns out and giving them to my mom who laminates them.\nWhile the IDS is far too important to be online-only, there are several things in real life that I believe should only exist on the internet.\n-Personal conversations. It is definitely preferable to have these via Facebook wall-post rather than face-to-face. For example, once I read a wall-to-wall in which a guy confessed his feelings for a girl and asked her out on a date, and she responded that she could never like him as more than a friend and that he had gotten completely the wrong idea. It was nice that I got to share that moment with them. Years from now, wall posts will also be the best way to keep old college friends informed of major life changes such as divorce, bankruptcy and terminal illness. A goal of mine is to one day get pregnant out of wedlock because I think it would be exciting to write on some guy’s wall, “I’m pregnant, it’s yours, I’m keeping it.”\n-Lindsay Lohan. What’s she doing in show business, of all places? If she is so set on turning herself into a sex object, I see no reason why she should be anything more than an online search result for those who choose to subject themselves to seeing her. I don’t actively seek her out or anything, but once I happened to see her interviewed on "Late Night with Conan O’Brien." Her attempts at stringing together a coherent sentence were uncomfortable to watch, not unlike what I imagine it might feel like to watch a rabid raccoon slowly die. I shouldn’t have to be forced to look at that kind of thing.\n-Weddings. Going to these things is a huge hassle. You have to drop everything you’re doing to drive to whatever city it’s in, you have to scramble to find a date like you are back in high school going to a silly dance, you have to look nice and you have to say things that suggest you actually believe the marriage has a greater than 50 percent shot at working out. I say that the bride and groom should install a webcam at the church and give all their friends a password that allows access. It would save me a lot of unneeded stress if I could watch you take your wedding vows from the privacy of my bedroom while wearing my sweat pants and eating a bag of Doritos. \nThese things should be online-only, not just on Memorial Day but year-round. But not the IDS. The IDS deserves to always be in print.