Pardon me

ESPN is the greatest television channel and AM radio station ever to grace this great planet of ours. What other channel can you turn on at any time, day or night, any day of the week, and almost always be interested in watching its programming? Of course, if you’re not a sports fan and don’t like ESPN, or if your boyfriend spends too much time watching SportsCenter instead of hanging out with you, then you probably should stop reading right now because this column will mean absolutely nothing to you.\nAll right. Now that our girlfriends are gone, we can talk about how much better watching sports is than going on dates. Am I right, fellas? Ha, just kidding ... probably.\nDespite the fact that ESPN is so great, there are just a few analysts on that channel that leave me scratching my head and asking, “Why is this person on TV?” especially when I could be seeing the exceptional intelligence and professionalism of someone like Michael Wilbon, Tim Kurkjian, Chris Berman or Mike Greenberg.\nWell, I’m through with letting this small collection of horrible analysts hide in the shadows and ride the coattails of their organization’s success. Therefore, I would like to propose to the executives at ESPN that the following analysts be forcibly retired. \n1) Rachel Nichols – This woman is terrifying. I can’t understand one thing she says, not because she doesn’t enunciate or speak clearly, but because she is a robot. Every word that comes out of her mouth sounds exactly the same. The thing that irks me the most is that her facial expressions do not match up with the words coming out of her mouth. \n2) Woody Paige – OK, ESPN. Give up. You need to stop stringing this senile old man along and parading him in front of the masses like some sort of village idiot. He clearly has no control over himself anymore. The man cannot even bring himself to form a complete sentence much less a logical argument. \n3) Skip Bayless – It’s obvious that Skip has worked extremely hard developing a television personality that will be noticed. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, that personality amounts to an annoying, whiny little rat who sounds like a 7-year-old who got cut in front of in the line to the slide. \n4) Dana Jacobson – Here’s the deal. Dana Jacobson doesn’t know anything about sports. She also cursed out Jesus during a drunken tirade during the roast for “The Mike and Mike Show” stars Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic. I also can’t pay attention whenever I’m watching her because her mammoth head takes up the entire screen. \n5) Jim Rome – I know there are many people who would put Jim Rome on this list, but I reserved this spot to say that Jim Rome is great. The man knows what he’s talking about as an evaluator of not just sports but of sports analysts. If you don’t believe me, just listen to his radio show, “The Jim Rome Show.” \nThese first four analysts have got to go. There are better ones out there who would kill to be in their shoes. Give Michael A. Smith a shot! Just get rid of these first four analysts who are constantly wasting my time and ruining my favorite channel.