Make war with love

Do you love your country? Do you love it more than going to class?\nLast week, an event came to pass that threatened to upend the world order and undermine U.S. competitiveness in a key strategic area – and it’s going to be up to us to take a break from school and set things right.\nOn Tuesday, the government of Russia’s Ulyanovsk province gave residents the day off to go home and reproduce. Officially, this was a measure taken to boost Russia’s flagging population – the country claims (note: “claims”) that its population is dropping, fueled by low birthrates, a low life expectancy, high emigration, etc. The Ulyanovsk government went so far as to declare a “Day of Conception” contest, with prizes for couples that give birth nine months later, just to lend credence to their story.\nBut, if there’s one thing that more than four decades of cold war taught us, it’s never to trust the Russkies.\nNow, we shouldn’t be worried about population – the United States has about double Russia’s population – and at a fertility rate of 2.09 children per couple versus Russia’s 1.39, we’re poised to keep that edge.\nBut it doesn’t take a great leap of imagination to suspect that all this “conception” might involve sex. And, as you’ve undoubtedly seen in James Bond films, sex (along with sports cars, baccarat, tuxedos and martinis) was a critical weapon in the Cold War. Therefore, it’s not outrageous to posit that this “Day of Conception” might merely be a cover for a secret Russian crash program to gain global superiority in shagging, just as they attempted to do with space flight. Armed with advanced new positions, devices and techniques, the Russians could wage a new war for hearts and minds (and loins), quite literally seducing more naive and inexperienced countries into their fold. And that’s not to mention the health benefits. Think of a reinvigorated, happier, stress-and-prostate-cancer-free Red Army marching on the ancient capitals of Europe – an iron beaded curtain descending across the continent …\nThis simply cannot be allowed.\nAnd so it falls to us American citizens to rise to the challenge, to stand tall and vigorously fill this sex gap. To sacrifice whatever it takes, even at the cost of our precious educations.\nThus, I propose – nay, insist – that the university give students a day off from class to do our citizenly duty and show those formerly-commie devils that when it comes to the horizontal mambo, they’re all left feet. To demonstrate that, when it comes to the rumpy-pumpy, the forces of oppression will never gain the upper hand over those who love freedom and democracy. To come together as a people, to come together as people. Because some things cannot be learned in the classroom – at least, not until after everyone else has left the building.\nAnd if IU says that we can’t get class off to go have sex, then it’s clear: those liberal pointdexters hate America.