Tortured artists

On Monday night, I came to an embarrassing realization: I didn’t know who won the last four seasons of “American Idol.” \nI consulted Wikipedia to solve this crisis, where I further realized I had not even heard of two of those winners. More research showed me that I wasn’t the only one who had stopped paying attention – Nielsen ratings for the show last season were down nearly 7 million viewers from season five. \nHad I noticed this trend a couple of weeks ago, I would have given it the same attention as the show’s last 5.9 seasons. But this past week, I was also introduced to the series finale of the Palestinian Hamas children’s TV show “Tomorrow’s Pioneers.”\nThe show, which was canceled last week, had only been on the air since April. It featured a costumed mouse named Farfur, obviously plagiarized from Mickey Mouse, who preached to kids endearing values such as anti-Semitism, Islamic domination and how to use an AK-47 assault rifle. In the final episode, Farfur was beaten to death by an Israeli official trying to seize his land.\nIt may have been taken off the air in Israel due to poor ratings, but a clip of the finale’s last five minutes on YouTube has gained popularity. On Tuesday, it received honors as the site’s No. 10 most viewed and most discussed video. \nAuditions for the next Idol competition begin at the end of this month. If the show takes some pointers from the finale of “Tomorrow’s Pioneers,” it could – like Farfur tried to do for Palestine – restore its glory. Here are suggestions: \n• Force contestants to wear knock-off cartoon character costumes. Of course, the reason “Tomorrow’s Pioneers” got away with their knock-off was because he would have been less likely to be recognized as such by Arab audiences than Americans. Therefore, contestants would have to pick characters from movies such as “Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest” or “Titanic: The Animated Movie.”\n• Have contestants write songs spewing hatred toward groups against whom they are prejudiced – blacks, women, etc. One of the major reasons I’ve always hated “American Idol” is because the contestants sing crappy covers. We don’t need more pop stars who don’t know how to write their own music. Granted, increasing songwriting talent would mean sacrificing singing talent, and the people interested in fresh songwriting talent tend to be indie rockers who don’t watch TV. But if the messages are so offensive no one can concentrate on the singing or inspiration, sick viewers will cause the ratings to skyrocket. \n• Have the judges violently beat the season winners. The celebratory atmosphere after the winner is announced is thoughtful but propels the contestants’ delusions that their talent will be useful after that evening. Beating them would provide them with more realistic symbolism about their situation – that despite all that artistic talent, The Man will sack them.\nBy taking these lessons, “American Idol” could reach the high-level entertainment of “Tomorrow’s Pioneers” – and hopefully to its fate, too.