Dead right

Whether you’re graduates trying to start your careers or students looking for summer jobs to help pay the bills, many of you are getting ready to join the work force. But how can you snare that all-important position? And, once you’ve got it, how do you keep it? The situation can be daunting, even intimidating. Parents, professors, friends and TV all will offer advice – but how do you know which suggestions to follow? What’s really needed is a model – one well-suited to the modern work environment. But where can you turn?\nThis weekend, I saw a first-rate motivational film. Its title: “28 Weeks Later.” Now, some people will tell you that it’s just a gory horror movie, or that it’s some sort of allegory for Iraq – these people are ignorant hippies who can’t get off their couches to look for lost Cheetos, much less find a job beyond singing “Puff The Magic Dragon” for nickels. No, “28 Weeks,” like its predecessors in the “zombie movie” genre, is really about what it takes to compete in today’s “dog-eat-dog” market for part-time and entry-level positions (particularly customer service).\nSee, the “zombie,” also known as the “living dead,” is the most efficient and industrious of all screen monstrosities. Sure, it might not seem very impressive, but how often have you seen werewolves take over the world? Or vampires (excepting 1964’s “The Last Man On Earth”)? There’s a reason for this. By emulating the best practices of these putrid, flesh-eating ghouls, you too can find yourself climbing the ladder to promotion.\n– Be assertive. Zombies don’t dither. They find what they want and go take a bite out of it – literally – then they’re off to the next objective. And they’re not afraid to go for the big score. In Lucio Fulci’s 1979 “Zombie,” one of them tries to eat a shark. Why? Sheer bloody-minded ambition. \n– Be persistent. In most films, zombies aren’t the fastest of creatures. But they don’t let that stop them. Indeed, they don’t let anything stop them. Except a shot to the head. And once you’ve got your eyes on the prize, don’t even let that get in your way. Zombies may moan, but they don’t give up.\n– Be a team player. In 1968’s “Night of the Living Dead,” one human, Ben, expresses skepticism about the zombies’ strength. Harry, another human, notes that they turned over his car. Ben says, “Oh, hell! Any good five men could do that!” To which Harry replies “That’s my point! There’s not going to be five, or even ten! There’s going to be 20, 30, maybe 100 of those things...” Zombies know that many hands make light work – of a farmhouse, a shopping mall, a National Guard unit... There may be an “I” in “brains,” but zombies say “braiiinsss!!!” The “I’s,” are plural, and that equals “We.”\nSo, don’t just sit there envying the dead – embrace them (metaphorically speaking)! You could be a “working stiff” in no time!