Why not me?

Life has a funny way of crapping on us when we least expect it. (So do birds, but a little shotgun action takes care of that problem. It’s much harder to punish life for taking a big No. 2 all over our aspirations.)\nNevertheless, life gave me a big dose of reality recently, and it reeks worse than Rosie O’Donnell two days after a buffet. If I wanted someone to crap on me, I’d ask a German porn star. The IU board of trustees were the last people I expected to humiliate me, but that’s exactly what happened when they took away my dream of being your next president.\nLast week the board announced Michael McRobbie as the next IU president. It’s understandable that you don’t remember or care. I, after all, wasn’t selected, despite months of advocacy in this column and stalking of search committee members (you’ll never guess which one wears Scooby-Doo underwear).\nMcRobbie’s hiring has me very confused. Why not hire me? True, McRobbie has tremendous qualifications. He is, after all, Australian, which nominates him for sexiest accent on campus. But beyond this, it seems that I’m just as experienced as McRobbie. Take, for example, the man’s background, closely comparable to \nmy own:\n• IU Vice President for Information Technology \nNot only do I have a solid background in Microsoft Office applications, but friends know me as the “Clip Art King.” It seems wholly illogical to think that information technology goes anywhere beyond learning Access databases and making graphs in Excel. I did, after all, get an A in Information Technology 101, which qualifies anyone to be a vice president.\n• IU Vice President for Research \nLike all college students, I have a knack for looking up trivial information on Wikipedia, which is the cornerstone of research in higher education. In fifth grade I even did research on the Oregon Trail, which consisted mostly of copying directly from Encyclopedia Britannica and playing the classic “Oregon Trail” game on Macintosh. The report went very well. I got a gold star. Unfortunately, my brother Jebediah died of dysentery in Utah. It’s clear my research credits speak for \nthemselves.\n• IU Professorship in Philosophy \nI know Rene Descartes, and I also think that moral relativism and existentialism are linked by a metaphysical presence that binds our perception of reality and truth. You’re probably thinking that makes absolutely no sense, but so goes the field of philosophy. I’m sure I’ll be granted tenure in that department sometime soon.\n• Not a Giant Douche or Turd \nSandwich\nThe cartoon “South Park” famously postulated that school leadership inevitably comes down to a choice between the above two undesirables. McRobbie’s biography makes no reference to him being either a douche or a turd. As far as I know, neither am I.\nThese are just a few of McRobbie’s strengths. In retrospect, while the trustees’ decision to hire him over me was harsh, it was probably the best move for the University. I’m far too occupied watching German porn.