New Year's resolution

It's January and as Hollywood looks toward the upcoming year ahead, we offer some New Year's resolutions.\nBritney Spears: Come on Brit, at least try. You keep complaining about the media misrepresenting your life. I feel for you. If the paparazzi ever were to come down to Kirkwood and see the drunkenness of half our school, we'd be all over the headlines of Us Weekly, too. Try to look alive for the cameras. Regularly wearing underwear might be a good start.\nZach Braff: Don't aspire too high. "The Last Kiss" proved you're not the huge box-office draw people expected after "Garden State." Don't leave "Scrubs" after this season to pursue a movie career. It's been one of the few shows that improves every season and you won't realize how great a job you had until it's gone.\nUgly Betty: It's time to start dressing up. You've repeatedly proved your moral superiority over all those fashionista bitches at Mode Magazine, but that still doesn't mean you can't conform a little and buy something nice. Those second-grade picture-day sweaters look so damn itchy.\nNew Line Cinemas: Quit whining and just hand over the money supposedly owed to Peter Jackson for "The Lord of the Rings" movies. This way, he'll agree to direct "The Hobbit" and both regular and Middle-Earth will be happy.\nMTV: Stop offering sweet-ass magazine internships on reality shows like "The Hills" and "I'm From Rolling Stone." As an aspiring journalist, how the hell are people like me supposed to get our dream jobs when we're forced to compete with hot, insecure, alcoholic "Real World" rejects? \n"Grey's Anatomy": Calm down the insane medical scenarios. For once, it'd be nice to see a regular patient enter Seattle Grace, not conjoined twins or somebody with a tree through his stomach.\nNancy Meyers and Alejandro González Iñárritu: Trade places. Ms. Meyers, your films ("The Holiday") are always so uplifting and happy while Mr. Iñárritu's ("Babel) always leave the audience feeling like rape victims. Try each other's style for a change. Meyers can take on a darker story line, while Iñárritu learns not everything in the world has to be so depressing.\nKate Winslet: Gain some confidence. Stop taking all these ugly duckling roles. \nSuperman: Cheer up! 2006 was supposed to be your comeback year; instead you got schooled at the box office by a flamboyant pirate. It's understandable that with Bond turning vulnerable and Spider-Man about to get all dark, there's pressure for heroes to be deep and meaningful. But you're America's greatest hero. Pop some anti-depressants and stop being so emo. And ditch Lois' kid. Even if it is yours, the last thing you need is a son. Jor-El left you with so many father issues, by being a dad, you'll only overcompensate to the point that the kid will hate you.