The white flag

A grenade, pulled from the padded bra of a transvestite, is lobbed toward an army of heterosexuals. It soars towards a straight guy, who attempts to block it with a copy of the Bible. Does it work?\nKABOOM!\nNope. \nIt was clearly a poor defense. This is indicated by a large pile of charred flesh, which the gay troops -- always looking for inventive new fabrics -- quickly use to reupholster a Victorian toy chest. \nIn retaliation, the heterosexuals bust out their secret weapon: the football. The balls soon begin flying at the queers from all angles, landing in quiches and disrupting various sets of jazz hands. As the balls rain down, the song "It's Raining Men" blares from the nearby barracks, which has been converted into an army-themed nightclub called, "Don't Ask ... Don't Tell My Boyfriend!"\nThe field is covered in blood, sweat and body glitter. The war rages on. \nFor years, this combat has ensued. Heterosexuals and homosexuals continue to duel, shooting cannons from opposite ends of the sexuality battlefield. Homosexuals, however, are merely fighting in retaliation, defending themselves against intolerant oppressors and constitutional invasion. \nIt reminds me of World War II. Nazi-like Republicans seem fixated on gay extermination. By concocting ridiculous sodomy laws and marital restrictions, they're trying to control sexual freedom. In essence, they're invading my pants, and turning my penis into a two-inch version of Poland. \nUnlike the battles of World War II that resounded in the harsh clamor of gunfire,however, the majority of these battles seem to happening quietly, discretely. It's an underground war of sorts: manifesting primarily in back-alley gay-bashings and closed-door government meetings. \nWhereas other minorities -- African-Americans, Japanese-Americans and American-Indians -- have been victims of state-condoned violence, gay people have not. Why, you ask?\nWe have the unique ability to hide our minority status, to become sexual chameleons. By wearing straight camo, we dodge straight ammo. This tactic was learned in the trenches of middle school, where the word "faggot" was shot faster than an M-16. \nYet, as the Gay Liberation Movement progressed, our army inevitably coalesced. \nAround campus, you can see our troops assembling. Homosexuals now travel in well-moisturized gaggles, coalescing at exclusively gay parties. \nUnified, we have begun to fight back with equal malice. You mock our flamboyancy and occasional lisps, we mock your divorce rates and scarce knowledge of celebrity pets. These stereotypes perpetuate the dissonance between both parties. \nThus, this white fag is officially raising the white flag. \nWe need to abandon this notion of sexual dualism and begin fighting together against causes that actually matter: the war in Iraq, the fight against AIDS, the elimination of poverty, the battle against international terrorism. In an era of global conflict, why are we fighting against ourselves?\nI think we'd all agree: It's time for a cease-fire. After all, nothing's scarier than a tranny packin' heat.