Kinsey Confidential

Q: My partner and I recently started having sexual intercourse, and neither one of us are virgins. We are having problems though, as he has a lot of "girth" or circumference to his penis, and I have only been with one other person and so I am not the right size for him. Another problem with this is that I am on a low-estrogen birth control and so I have difficulties with vaginal lubrication, but he doesn't like to use lube. Is there anything I can do to make it easier for us, and easier for me to get lubricated vaginally?\nA: Love, attraction and sexuality are complex. It can be challenging enough to find a partner who is attractive, smart, interesting, exciting, and compatible in ways that are important to you. To find someone who has all of these qualities, and whose body fits with one's own, can be an even bigger challenge. Fortunately, human beings are adaptive. We look for ways to make our lives (and sometimes our bodies) fit comfortably with that of our partner.\nBecause estrogen is associated with vaginal lubrication, some women do notice a change in their vaginal lubrication when they choose a low-dose estrogen birth control pill. Then again, many women notice differences in their vaginal lubrication throughout their menstrual cycle and regardless of whether or not they are using a hormonal method of birth control (like the pill) or using any form of birth control or not. If you would like to try another type of pill, or another form of birth \ncontrol, to see if it makes a difference to your vaginal lubrication, please ask your healthcare provider about your options.\nMany women find that they can enhance their ability to become "wet" through vaginal lubrication by spending more time doing the kinds of things that they find sexually arousing prior to attempting vaginal penetration (whether that means sexual intercourse, fingers, or a toy). For many couples, this means spending more time in foreplay -- more time spent kissing, touching over and/or under the clothes, breast touching, back massages, or time spent doing things to your partner's body that you find exciting or arousing. It may also be worth exploring your feelings about this partner, as you didn't mention how you feel about him (do you like him? Love him? Are you romantically or sexually attracted to him?).\nIt may be worth sitting down and talking with your partner -- during a time when you are not about to have sex -- and sharing with each other what you each find exciting, arousing and most pleasurable as part of your sexual play. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, vaginal lubrication tends to increase and a process called vaginal tenting occurs (whereby the uterus tips upward, making the vagina grow in length and width -- allowing more room for your partner's larger size).\nIt is worth noting that although there is some amount of vaginal expansion that occurs with sexual intercourse experience, the fact that you have limited sexual intercourse experience is not to "blame" in terms of sex being uncomfortable for you two, and your vagina is unlikely to enlarge permanently as a result of having sex with your new partner. The vagina is muscular and tends to return to its typical size internally, even though the vaginal entrance itself may enlarge with sexual experience or other types of experience (such as vaginal birth). \nAlso, as wondrous a process as vaginal tenting may be, there is a limit to the amount of tenting that occurs. A vagina can only grow so much. If your partner's size is considerable in relation to your body, then a personal lubricant may be necessary in terms of enhancing your pleasure, minimizing discomfort or pain, or simply making intercourse possible at all. That said, lubricants vary considerably in terms of their consistency and it may be that you two might want to try different types of lubricants so that you can find one that feels good for both of you. Some stores and web sites (such as Good Vibrations -- see www.goodvibes.com) sell lube sampler packs for just this \npurpose.