Not my muffins

I came into work earlier this week, and I noticed something strange sitting on my desk: muffins. Old muffins were on my desk. The presence of these muffins caused coworkers and passers-by to ask me: "Are those your muffins?"\nNo.\nI would like to set the record straight. I want the entire community and world at large to know that while those muffins were in fact on my desk, they were not mine.\nI did not put them there. I had no plans to consume them. Not my muffins.\nWhile some sort of desk easement by estoppel might have transferred the rights of the old muffins to me, I hereby reject any ownership or claims to the muffins.\nContrary to any rumors that might be floating around, I'm not the kind of person who leaves muffins just sitting on a desk. That sort of assumption puts implications on my character that I'm not comfortable with. Look into my eyes. Look into my soul. Do you see a muffin-leaver? I don't think so.\nWho would leave muffins on my desk?\nI used the one surefire technique for tracking down a perpetrator, once a trade secret of debonair detectives: the "Who Stole the Cookies from the Cookie Jar" song. I revised it slightly for my purposes.\nWho put the muffins on Joanna's desk? (Insert name) put the muffins on Joanna's desk.\nWho me?\nYes, you.\nCouldn't be.\nThen who?\nThis method might be useful for catching Jack the Ripper, but it didn't work for me.\nSince singing didn't get me answers, I used my investigative skills as a journalist to learn more. I found out who purchased the muffins, why the muffins were purchased, where they were purchased, when they were purchased, how much the muffins cost ($3), who was in possession of the muffins and that the muffins were on the desks of at least two other people before they made it to my desk.\nI got testimonials from fellow co-workers who saw the muffins on my desk.\n"I'm typically a huge muffin fan, but those muffins definitely weren't appealing," one co-worker said.\nShe went further to describe the appearance of the muffins.\n"One looked like carrot cake. I'd never seen a carrot cake muffin, and it was missing at least half its top."\nAfter the muffins sat on my desk for three days, someone brought them to my attention.\nI cringed as I got the question.\n"Are those your muffins?"\nIt was officially go time.\nI believe my exact words as I let the muffins drop into the trash can abyss were: "Say goodbye. I don't know the muffin man. Do you?" \nI still don't know exactly who placed the muffins on my desk or why. Perhaps it's not something I was meant to understand. I guess the "Who done it?" of this mystery isn't important. What really matters is that we're all clear on one thing: Those muffins weren't mine.