Crash test dummies

Sometimes when my life gets depressing, I like to pull out Milton Bradley. \nWhile playing with some friends during Thanksgiving break, my LIFE began quite smoothly. I started a successful career as a green-haired rock star, began receiving a $70,000 payday and quickly married a rich and well-endowed blue peg. \nLife in my tiny orange car was a joyride. Although I was ironically unable to land on the "Have a Baby" space, I eventually adopted a Chinese baby, whom I promptly named "Borf." \nHowever, my life quickly took a turn for the worst, literally. As I rounded one of the inserted green turns, my car spun out of control and fell off the table. Luckily, Borf and I were wearing our seat belts. My husband Peggy, however, wasn't quite as fortunate. He died.\nIt was my second relationship that had ended in a car crash that week. \nJust five days prior to playing the game, I had decided to end things with my boyfriend as well. Our relationship, like the car, had spun so far out of control that a devastating crash was practically inevitable. \nIt was then that I realized: car crashes and break-ups are quite similar. \nIn a bad automobile crash, your car gets smashed. In a bad relationship crash, your heart is equally demolished. Yet, I still wonder: How do you get back on the relationship road when your life is a total, or rather totaled, wreck?\nThe first step of repairing damage is obviously the grieving process. Not only is it therapeutic for you, but it allows the cookie dough companies to stay in business. In addition to cookie dough, two other items serve as ambulances for emotional crashes. The first item, porn, is for physical health. Porn keeps you strong. It's like chicken soup for the crotch. The second item, q-tips, are for mental health. Because if you can't get the other person out of your head, cleansing the ear canal might help him slide out. \nOnce the grieving process is over, you should immediately get back behind the wheel. Drive past the past. If you ever want someone else to ride shotgun in your car, you are going to have to move your ex's baggage to the trunk of your memory. \nIt is important, like in LIFE, to try and start over. Open your heart for new romance. Do not, however, open your legs for the old one. Beware of the ex-sex. It's not healthy. It's not giving you any new nourishment. It's like eating your own vomit. If you are really serious about moving on, you need to sever all penile ties, like an emotional Lorena Bobbitt. \nThe final step is dealing with jealousy. If your ex seems interested in someone else, log on to facebook.com, look at a picture of that person, and point out every flaw that he has, right down to nostril size. It's petty, but feeling petty is better than feeling pissed. \nHopefully, this advice will serve as a journalistic airbag for all of your potential victims. Buckle your seat belts ... because relationships can have a painful impact.