Sleep much?

I didn't know I was an alcoholic until two years ago, when I attended the eight-hour-long substance abuse class which every alcohol offender in Bloomington is required to take. I found that not only was I a "binge drinker," because I drink for the purpose of getting drunk, but that my problem was much worse because, I admit, I have consumed more than four alcoholic beverages in a single night.\nReviewing the warning signs of old St. Vincent's commercials, I don't know how I overlooked it: all this time I've been a raging alcoholic and not a single friend or family member said a thing. Some friends they are.\nThose alcohol questionnaires were so helpful in diagnosing my problem, I've decided to do everyone a favor and form similar questionnaires for a few other potential addictions, just to make sure they don't go unnoticed either. If drinking four drinks in one night makes you an alcoholic, then chances are you have several other deadly conditions too!\nSkeptical? Just tell me, do you eat to get full? Well then you have a serious eating problem. Do you eat first thing in the morning? You would, Fatty. You probably eat out of the trash, too, don't you? Sad part is you think you're filling your stomach, when really you're eating away society, bite by bite.\nI know it must seem crazy but that's because you're in denial, the first phase of problems like this. And by that I mean problems where the person telling you personal details of your own life obviously knows much more about them than you do. You probably think by labeling everyone as an addict, it actually belittles the agonizing struggle people who really do have the disease must endure. Wrong again, as drug classes have consistently taught, it's much more effective to just tell everyone they have a problem. One of these days you'll just learn to accept it.\nDo you sleep more than four hours in a single night? I knew it. You have a serious sleeping problem. You're a full blown sleepaholic. Sleeping in moderation is fine, but you're out of control. Have you ever gone to sleep, then woken up and not remembered a thing? That's called a blackout -- a telltale sign of sleep addiction. You're probably getting tired just reading this far, aren't you, Sleepy? It's time to wake up and face the truth!\nEver swatted a fly? Well you're a murderer and animal cruelty is a serious offense. Forgot to signal switching lanes? You have road rage issues, you lunatic. And God help you if you've relieved a headache -- now you're dependent on Tylenol!\nFinally, and I hate to have to tell you this, but if you've read all the way to this paragraph, I'm afraid you have a very serious problem with reading. Word after word, you've just kept reading and reading and look at yourself now. You're still reading. It really doesn't even matter what these words say anymore, do they, sicko? I think it's time to get help before you start reading your problems away at Barnes & Noble with all the rest of the addicts.