Go buy a sports car instead

You know the commercials. It looks like a sexual deviant's version of the Brady Bunch: The Astroturf lawn looks especially green, and someone calling himself "Bob" is recommending you shell out $59.95 for a trial period of Enzyte, the once-a-day pill for natural male enhancement. \nFor years, you've been ignoring those e-mails and pop-ups, but now that it's on television, suddenly nine inches sound mighty appealing. You'll be strutting all the way to the (sperm) bank.\nBut Michael Coluzzi, a particularly gullible sucker from New Jersey, isn't strutting. Instead, he's suing Alzare LLC, the makers of Enzyte, and the female version, Avlimil, because he "experienced no increase in penis size" after dropping $60 on the homeopathic alternative to a BMW, according to an article by Reuters News Service. Coluzzi's lawsuit, and two others filed last year, accuses the manufacturers of falsely claiming to increase the size of his penis up to three inches.\nSo enthralled with the idea of a more impressive manhood and so convinced by Smiling Bob's eerily maniacal grin, the plaintiffs apparently neglected to notice the disclaimer: "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration."\nIt turns out that the edible ego-boost is a grab bag of wholly ineffective herbs, including "vegetable cellulose," "Swedish flower pollen extract" and, incredibly enough, something known as "horny goat weed extract" (I kid you not). Individual results might vary so much, in fact, Enzyte has a money-back guarantee if the user is not 100 percent satisfied. Of course, the makers of the 640 mg tablet are betting by the time the user realizes just how naïve he actually is, he'll have swallowed every pill and empty promise with a tall glass of hindsight. \nI guess I shouldn't be surprised someone was sending money to the makers of the Smiling Bob commercial. People seem to be ready to fork out piles of cash for anything with a jingle or an appealing promise. \nHow many other times has the American public been duped into buying things that don't quite deliver? Enzyte and like-products tap that niche of the market traditionally dominated by women's beauty products: wrinkle reducers, skin rejuvenators and push-up bras. And what, if not a third leg, is a man's most important feature?\nIn the age of Cosmo, People and E!, and the recent advent of the "metro-sexual," women are not the only ones feeling pressured to reach some impossible standard of physical excellence. Men are becoming increasingly obsessed with whatever it is that defines manliness. \nOnce upon a time Levi's jeans and a five o'clock shadow embodied all there was to being a man. Now even bottles of moisturizer have racing stripes and lightening bolts. But because the word "moisturizer" doesn't bring to mind images of firefighters and lumberjacks they call it "Gillette Skincare: The best a man can get." The fact remains: these "medical wonders" are just selling more promises to men who need to feel more appealing to women. The makers of these products have no intention to make you a better person, or even more attractive. The real motivation behind Coluzzi's lawsuit isn't the false advertising claim but Enzyte's threat to deprive him of his most sacred masculinity. \nThere was a time men could mock women for stocking a medicine cabinet as if it were a CVS, but today, the average guy is convinced he needs a veritable mechanic's shop to keep himself tuned-up and running smooth.\nHonestly guys, just open your eyes and think twice next time you whip out your wallets.