Names, names, go away

The end of the summer is upon us, and soon we will be gracing the hallowed halls of this beautiful campus. We'll make the familiar trek to class, sit in the uncomfortable desks and, wait for it -- the reading of the roster.\nI know it's not exactly a significant event, but it is at this very moment that I least envy my professors and most hate humanity. Inevitably Professor Fill-in-the-Blank will painstakingly attempt to read off the students who are supposed to be sitting in his class, and two things will happen:\n1. Professor Fill-in-the-Blank will be flowing along smoothly and then suddenly stop, a confused furrow gracing his brow. He'll break into a cold sweat, look around panicked. And then Joe Szybala will raise his hand and attempt to teach the correct pronunciation of his surname.\n2. After struggling through the rest of the roster and re-learning how to read, Professor Fill-in-the-Blank will be confused by the "K" girls. You know the "K" girls -- Kristie, Kirstie, Kirsten, Kristen, Karlee, Karla, Kara, Karen, Kylee, Kayla, Katie, Kate, Kat, Kathrine, Kathleen and Karie. Now, I know my name's hardly original, but I find the confusion of K's to be quite a conundrum.\nDon't get me wrong -- I don't blame the students. I blame the parents. People need to be more responsible when naming their children. I mean, there's nothing worse in life than having to explicate the correct spelling and pronunciation of your name every time you meet someone new. Trust me, I know.\nPop Quiz: How do you pronounce my last name? You think you know, but you have no idea. Trost. As in toast. \nYou may not be able to control last names, but at least be kind when giving a first name. I mean -- spell it right. There's nothing more obnoxious than meeting Michael only to find out it's actually Mikaihl, thanks to his parents' attempt at uniqueness. I'll even admit that my parents are those people. Meet my sister Amy, and by that, I mean Aimee.\nEver met Jon? How about Thom? What about Stacy? Is that with an "ie" or a "y"? Lindsay? I'm sorry, I mean Lindsey. And how about Lauryn?\nWell, you get the idea.\nI'm all for individuality. I love to stand out in a crowd. But what's the point in giving a kid a really common name only to complicate things by misspelling it? If you want to be that unique, give the kid a bizarre but correctly spelled name. \nGwyneth Paltrow recently named her daughter Apple Martin. Sure it sounds like a dessert, but at least you know how to spell it when you hear it. Courtney Cox Arquette gave Gwennie a run for her money when she named her first-born Coco, but again, easy spelling.\nBut when it comes to names, memorable is the most important thing.\nFor instance, I enjoy baseball, but I'm hardly the right person to come to if you want to know the name of the catcher for the Yankees. But I do know the name of the Cleveland Indians' center fielder -- Coco Crisp. Not to menton the Dodgers' center fielder -- Milton Bradley. Speaking of sports, a Texas couple named their son ESPN a couple of years ago, but I think that's a little much.\nIn the end, a successful name is easy to pronounce, easy to spell and yet memorable. So even though you may not be able to fix your parents' mistakes, at least you can prevent the future ones.