Avoid a player's eyes

The day was Tuesday. The temperature was unbearable, and I was stuck at a stoplight listening to Avril Lavigne, who was on every station. I thought my day couldn't get worse, and then I listened to the words.\nAvril Lavigne was chanting my last relationship in cheesy pop form, and since most of America has heard the "Don't Tell Me" tune, I thought, being the goodwill ambassador that I am, I should warn the campus of the man behind the lyrics.\nHis name: Let's call him "Boucher." Occupation: Heart breaker. Commonly used phrase: Are you a model?\nLadies, oh ladies, I know you have seen him. He turns heads in the Union, he does ridiculous dances flipping up his collar and tossing his hair at parties. He loves '80s music, and he thinks that he is perhaps more powerful than President Bush and more dashing than Brad Pitt. \nI know you may wonder why I wrote this, and the answer is threefold. First, I write out of spite. Second, the last words he uttered to me were, "I could [expletive] half the campus if I wanted to." So lastly, this is a warning, a prevention method, because much like wrinkles and cellulite, Boucher is coming, and slowly but surely one of his kind will catch up with you.\nWhat must I do, where can I turn? you scream. Well, ladies, it's called will power, and it's all we've got. You must resist at all times and so, here are three starting points that will lead you women in the right direction.\n1. Disregard the pickup line. This will be the hardest task because as they utter phrases like "You should model," "I love your personality," or "Your eyes are your best feature (while they gaze at your cleavage)," they are also taunting us relentlessly. Perhaps they are smiling, stroking our hair or buying us drinks. It doesn't matter because it's all crap. The sooner this is realized, the more content in life you will find yourself.\n2. Never look directly into their eyes. In the center of a normal human's eyes you will find beautiful color and a small sparkle. Inside the eye of a lame player lies hazard with a hint of evil. Look at it, and you will become addicted, intrigued, mesmerized, only later finding yourself wanting to destroy them with hot pokers. Save yourself the agony -- look away.\n3. Go with your gut. We females have a hidden asset called intuition. Just like the Doppler radar storm system, we know when trouble is near but sometimes ignore the signs. So when their hair looks better than ours, their teeth are obviously whitened, they go to the SRSC to look in the huge mirrors and kiss their muscles as they do curls -- realize they are more than good looking. They are conceited, and where they stand a storm will surely brew.\nI understand there are good guys in the real world who do not need will power used against them. But this is not the real world. This is college, a surreal short-term existence where plenty of men, and women alike, are lookin' for a good time, a little action and a relationship that requires little more than a dark bedroom. \nThese people are players, and Boucher might as well have been point guard. \nMy mom warned me that "Good looks can cover for a multitude of sins," and his did. But one day I looked past the perfectly layered hair and into his eyes and realized, much like Avril Lavigne, I'm better off alone anyway.