The End is Nigh!

As you read this column, I am taking shelter in a hidden bunker deep beneath the surface of Bloomington. It took most of my last six paychecks and all the limits on my credit cards, but it's worth every penny -- steel-reinforced, hermetically sealed doors; six-foot thick concrete walls with a layer of X-ray proof lead, independent generator, water and air supply, remote satellite link-up, and enough ammo, toilet paper, Spam and "Girls Gone Wild" videos to last me for the next 30 years. Everything a person could need to survive the end of the world.\nWhat, you think I'm nuts? Ha! \nYou fools might have thought you were safe after the millennium passed and the Y2K bug didn't destroy us with man-eating toasters and cold-blooded ATM machines, but you weren't looking for the signs. The signs! \nIt's all as foretold 500 years ago by the astronomer Nostradamus. All one has to do is translate his prophecies from the medieval French and the warnings become clear as day! Here, I'll show you.\nIn his 961st quatrain, he writes:\n"And in the 885th year/When Neptune is in the third house of Sirius/And Orion's belt has come unbuckled/The signs of the end times shall come."\nDecoding the year for this prophecy is a fairly simple process. All you do is count back to the date of the founding of the Knights Templar, add the age of John the Baptist when he was beheaded, divide by the number of Monkees members who could play their own instruments and carry the two. What do you find? The 885th year is 2004! \nStill don't believe me? Such skeptical unbelievers! Very well, let's look at what Nostradamus predicts as "the signs of the end times."\nOf the first sign, he writes:\n"And like the heads of the hound of Tindalos/Three brothers, surpassing puberty/With harmonies, climb past 100 on the board of William/And it shall be as a sucking of the hindquarters."\nClearly, he has predicted the release of the latest Hanson album!\nIn another vision, he foresees the political ascendance of Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, apparently based on that most metaphysical of films, "Predator": \n"Great warriors will battle an invisible foe/And one shall gain the throne of the Vikings/And one shall lord over the huggers of trees/And Carl of the Weathers shall rule them all."\nWatch for Carl Weathers' campaign for president in 2008!\nBut Nostradamus' visions are not limited only to national events. He actually predicts the cicada invasion due to hit Bloomington this summer:\n"The town of Bloom shall see a plague/The cycle's seventeenth year, the buzzing host shall come\nAnd shall fill their piñatas to overflowing/And tears will be shed at many a birthday party."\nMy God, after this, what other proof do you need?\nYes, I know it's frightening. But all is not lost. There's a little time left. You can still make preparations. \nOf the final sign, Nostradamus writes:\n"On the last day, a miracle upon the grid of iron/Cream and Crimson soldiers, a season's campaign fought/Shall cause great amazement throughout the land,/The tide turning, for once they will break even."\nAnd as far as I can tell, this last prophecy has not yet come to pass.